a message from your friendly neighborhood dan and some fake news

Its been a while, but i have an excuse. I have an overnight job, and my best ideas come between the hours of 12 and 3 in the morning. Unfortuatley, I cant just write stuff down in the middle of work. So to everyone who actually reads this sorry for the late update. If you are wishing I could update more, I am willing to quit my job if you would compensate my for the lost hours of work.
Enjoy

Police Catch Escapee on Hoveround
Traffic was not at its normal, rush-hour stand still yesterday on I-34 as many people were force to take a different route after local authorities shut down the interstate. The cause was 87 year-old Glenda Rouseman.
At 12:30 PM yesterday, the Angel Gate Assisted Living Center contacted police to report that the 87 year-old had gone missing. Rouseman’s son Randy, local used-car salesman famous for his zany television ads, first questioned the center of his mother’s whereabouts during a lunch hour visit to her room. After checking her in-house schedule and finding Glenda had no current appointments or activites, the center notified its security. With an hour of searching the grounds gone by, a security officer, Fred Hopkins, noticed the center’s security tapes had captured the elderly woman following a SUV out of the Center’s parking lot gates in her wheelchair. “She sure slipped by. She was holding on to the opposite side of the vehicle as it traveled by the hut.” Hopkins said in a state of awe and disbelief. “I guess we all need to pay a little more attention to details.” With this shocking discovery the Center called police to help with the search. “We were very concerned. Glenda is diabetic, is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s disease, and suffers from VIPoma or Werner Morrison syndrome.” Wendy Gage, the director of the Living Center said.
At 4:42 PM, police received many frantic phone calls from drivers driving on I-34, claiming an elderly woman was in the right hand lane of the highway driving her Hoveround wheelchair. Police caught up to the woman, but only after a seventeen car wreck had occurred behind her. “This was clearly a first.” said Deputy Officer William Joyce of the St Grove Sheriff’s Department, “It did take a while to clear the interstate, but thankfully no one was severely hurt in the accident.”
“It’s a shame this incident happened, and I am thankful no one was severely hurt. I am offering massive discounts on all of the vehicles currently on my lot to all who were involved in the accident.” A relieved and grateful Randy Rouseman said at the scene.
It also took authorities a long time to restrain the 87-year old Rouseman who at the time was in a confused state. “She thought she had to get to the hospital to give birth.” Deputy Williams said, “She wouldn’t allow us to take her to the hospital either saying she didn’t want take time away from our duties. When an officer went to catcher her, she hit him several times with an umbrella she had on her wheelchair.”
“It’s not surprising. She has always been a fighter.” Randy Rouseman said with a chuckle after hearing of his mother’s attempted escape from police. Glenda was kept over night at St. Lawrence Hospital for observation despite suffering only minor cuts and bruises, and already has plans on her next adventure. “She told me she wants to go to the Grand Canyon after she saw a Live Arizona add on the hospital TV” Randy said, “but hopefully she has learned her lesson and doesn’t try this again. We are going to be keeping a close eye on her.”