Fake News (kind of)

This is a fake news story based upon real events. If you would like to read the more frightening real news story without a happy/funny ending here is a link.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090108/ap_on_bi_go_ec_fi/financial_meltdown

If you prefer a more positive spin on our economic situation read on and enjoy.

Help Wanted, Unemployment Rates Skyrocket
Though the unemployment rate dropped over the holiday week ending January 3rd, Americans have not seen this many jobless people since 1982 as 4.61 million people are claiming unemployment, according to Yahoo News. In fact, the numbers of first time filers has increased so rapidly that their numbers have been backlogged in the data systems. Some states are even claiming that their online and phone systems have crashed due to the high volume of claims. Some good has come out of this, however, as the Labor Department is now in need of man hours to keep up with the increasing amount of unemployment. Congressman Todd Iceman of Alaska (D), a member of the employment committee, said of the situation, “We are predicting the Labor Department will create approximately a thousand jobs per state as we deal with this filing crisis. This will serve as a two pronged attack against unemployment as less people will be filing for unemployment as we catch up with the backlog of files.” The Congressman had no comment about the future of the Labor Department’s new employees after the filing is completed. President Elect Obama said, “If the Labor Department fires all of the new hires it will create another backlog, and the department would be forced to hire those people again. I will propose and exit strategy to terminate the new hires slowly so those remaining can still keep up with unemployment rates.” Senator John McCain is a critic of the President Elect’s strategy, as he is claiming it will take too long and the Labor Department will be forced into major cutbacks. He is proposing an exit strategy to “get our workers out of there in less than a year.”

Fake News

Man Ordered to Pay Thousands After Using Bathroom
Burbank, CA- Noah Pendleton was court ordered by a Burbank County judge to pay seven thousand dollars in physical, emotional, and personal damages to James Hardy, yesterday. On November 16th, Pendleton was shopping at Burbank Town Center Mall when he had to use the restroom, and though no other stalls were occupied, he chose the large handicap stall to do his business. Soon after Pendleton occupied this stall, Hardy, a paraplegic, who was also shopping at the mall, made his way into the restroom. Unable to fit his wheel chair into a normal sized stall, Hardy was forced to wait for Pendleton. This attempt failed, however, and left Hardy embarrassed and his wheel chair a biological hazard. Hardy said, “It was an emergency and I did my best to wait, but (Pendleton) took too long. When I knocked on the door, he screamed that he wasn’t finished reading Pearls Before Swine.” At the hearing Pendleton said that he was sorry that the incident occurred and that he will never use a handicap stall again.