President Obama: The Dark Knight

Obama's War Plan Under Scrutiny

ITWOD Press, Washington-
Yesterday, President Barack Obama finally gave a long awaited address for his plans in Afghanistan after three months of deliberation. In October, General Stanley McChrystal, the current Commander, International Security Assistance Force and Commander,U.S. Forces Afghanistan, released his recommendations for a plan for the war calling on 4 options, all of which required an increase in troops to Afghanistan. Due to this, many pundits, myself included, thought President Obama would pick from these plans, increasing forces by a minimum of 30,000 troops. However, in his address at West Point, Obama revealed he had chosen a fifth option for the war.
“Considering the Taliban and al-Quida's ability to move anywhere, most notably their history of crossing the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan, we simply can not track them down. We can not move into Pakistan. They are out of our jurisdiction so to speak. It is our hopes that Batman will take up this call as he has no legal boundaries.”
With this shocking announcement, Obama retorted that troop levels will begin to decrease beginning the summer of 2010, as Batman rounds remaining Taliban and al-Quida members up and brings them to justice. “This will allows us to better train Afghans in both policing and nation building, smartly de-Americanizing the effort,” the President said to the West Point Cadets. “This is not just our war. Our friends have shed blood as well. Their courages efforts will be able to be eased, as it is a prudent decision to allow NATO troops to also be sent home in the beginning of 2010.”
Criticisms of this announcement have come today on Capitol Hill, voiced most vehemently two Republicans, New York Senator Harvey Dent and Illinois Senator Joe Kerr. Dent views Obama's decision as a coin flip.
“We are taking a 50-50 chance here,” the Senator said, “True Batman could help a great deal, but what if he has just been showing a good face over the years. War is hell, and the pressures Batman will be facing can turn a man into from a peaceful liberator into ruthless villain. We have seen this with some of our troops, who have displayed random acts of aggression on Afghani civilians. We could wind up seeing Batman's ugly side.”
Senator Kerr also holds skepticism towards Batman's limits stating, “The Batman plan will change things, yes. But what happens if things don't go according to the plan? It would bring more chaos to the area. Batman does have limits. These terrorist have no limits. Once they find out these limits it will be like an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object. True, he has no boundary limits, but he will be at war. They are suicide bombers, he will have to break his from his morales. How can one man, even if it is Batman, bring all of al-Quida to justice?”
Like it or not Obama's plan will be in affect starting in the beginning of 2010. If Batman can bring al-Quida and the Taliban to justice, it will certainly brighten the future of the Middle East.

Fake News: Front page

Man Kills Faux, Gets Real Sentence

Tampa Bay, Florida- Gareth Humes of Galveston, Georgia plead guilty last Thursday to first degree murder for the killing of Donald Lee, a native of the Tampa area and Rush Limbaugh look-a-like. Humes was sentenced to 30 years to life in prison by Judge Harmon Thrash. Judge Thrash stated that Humes’ plea allowed him parole, something the intended victim of the crime is not happy about. Humes claimed that he had planned to murder the real Rush Limbaugh after hearing that the conservative talk show host was vacationing in Tampa. His plan went awry after he spotted Lee impersonating Limbaugh. Lee was satirically impersonating the controversial radio host to earn some extra cash, while Limbaugh was in town. Unfortunately, Humes mistook Lee for Limbaugh, and shot Lee in the chest six times.
Limbaugh spoke of the news on his show saying, “This psychotic, little (profanity) had the gall, and audacity to plan to murder me. Shoot me when I was least expecting it like some Allah loving terrorist. But did I really have anything to worry about though? I mean when was the last time a Democrat did anything right anyway? I am just surprise this little (profanity) had the balls to actually do something. And to this yahoo who was impersonating me, it deservers you right. Impersonation is only the highest form of flattery for losers. And that’s what this guy was a loser. Who makes money making fun of people? He should have gotten a real job.”
Before his sentencing Humes gave a heartfelt apology to the Lee family claiming that he never meant to hurt them, and that he intended to only end the life of Limbaugh, whose name he never actually addressed during the trial. “Unfortunately, Mr. Lee looked too much like him. I only intended to harm him. He is evil and should not be allowed to live none the less broadcast his mercurial, delusionary thoughts across America. I just hope that (profanity) knows he has it coming to him.”
Humes' case has been getting nationwide attention. Many have turned against Limbaugh after his asinine comments about Lee and given Humes sympathy after his heartfelt apology to the Lee family. Enraged, however, are the Limbaugh supporters as they stand by their man, and are glad to know that he has come back from his vacation in one piece.

Fake News: Sports page

I haven't posted in a long time, but I am still alive. Enjoy.

Announcer Found Juicing
WOD News, St. Louis- Chip Kern, beloved announcer for the St. Louis Cardinals, tested positive for PED (performance enhancing drugs) in 2005. The 56 year old Kern has been the play by play analyst on Sunday afternoon games for KSDK channel 5 in St. Louis since 2003. Kern previously had stints announcing for minor league affiliates in both the Cleveland Indians and San Francisco Giant organizations.
“This is just shocking news. I cannot believe it. I never suspected him,” said Mike Shanedist, long time Cardinal radio play by play man, “I knew he had just been doing gigs in the minors before this. I just thought he hadn’t been fully discovered and given any chances. It was like the came out of nowhere though, really turned his career around.”
Shanedist stated that he himself never did nor ever would do any PEDs to further his career. “It just hurts your voice in the long run. Sure you’re able to get louder and attain wider range, but that stuff just tears your larynx to shreds and your Adam’s apple shrinks.”
The news of Kern is linked to what has become known as “the list,” which has the names of 50 announcers across baseball that tested positive for PEDs in 2005. The list was supposed to remain anonymous, but names have slowly leaked from it, including legendary announcers Barry Blum and Mark McGruff.
Fans have reacted jadedly to the news of Kern. “At this point it would be surprising if any of them weren’t on the stuff,” said long time Cardinal fan James Plausivic. “They really need to just come out with all the names so this can be over. It really is just tiring at this point. We just need to move on.”
It also appears that many of the fans think the announcers found using PEDs will end up in the Hall of Fame, despite many of the baseball writers’ sentiments. “They all did it, so the best of them might as well be in the hall. Everything changed, recordings were made, so why not let them in? I enjoyed them. I think they brought a lot of people back to baseball after the strike. They made it fun,” Plausivic said.
The commissioner’s office has yet to rule on Kern’s case, but a suspension is not warranted since Kern tested before the current drug policy was in place. Kern could also seek legal action against those who leaked his name since the test results were supposed to be kept secret. Kern is set to hold a press conference Wednesday afternoon.