Every week David Letterman holds a Top Ten competition on his website. Each week there is a different topic, and anyone can submit an entry. I try to do this competition every week, but with school and a social life it turns out ot be about once a month. I have won just once, recieving the number #5 spot, and a Late Show Mouse pad. The contest has changed a little in that now all winners get a free Late Show T-shirt. check out the site, put up your best funny, maybe you can win!
http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/contest/index/php/20070127.phtml
Top Ten Newspaper Headlines in 2007
Cheney Strikes Again
Bin Laden Found: Hiding with Justin Guarini
Bin Laden Found, Receives Award for Best NYC Cab Driver
O’Donnell and Trump Get Hitched!
Kid Rock Announces He Will Now Be Known as Adolescent Rock
Bush and Kim Jung-il Reach Agreement to Party
Kevin Bacon Suffers Third Degree Burns While Cooking Bacon
Mel Gibson Returns to Acting in Remake of Yentl
O’Donnell and Trump Set for Winner Take All Cage Match
After Cancellation of Deal or No Deal, Howie Mandel Gets Job as LAPD Negotiator
Terrorist Wins Lawsuit against New York Times, Claiming Plans were copyrighted and could not be printed without Written Consent
Al Gore Severely Burned by His Nobel Prize for Work on Global Warming After It Melted
Michael Richards Proposes to Oprah
Paris Hilton: Russian Spy!
Fidel Castro Throws Out First Pitch at Nationals Game, Then Signed By Yankees
George Hamilton and Joan Rivers Marry in Plastic Surgeon’s Office
Bono Takes on New Challenge of Supplying Africans with Sun Glasses
Kevin Spacey Divorces Claiming He Needed Space
Nicole Richie Claims She Is Anorexic After Falling Through Sewer Grate
Fabio Finally Believes It Is Not Butter
The Knicks Win The Championship! Rematch Fight Already Scheduled
Student Suspended After Caught Cheating off an Exchange Student on US History Test
Cheney Stabs Accountant While on Fishing Trip
Letterman and Aniston Have Twins!
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
Questions
So, the profile section has a spot for me to post any questions I have in hopes that one of my profile lookers will reply with answer to it. However, I noticed that the questions are not visible unless the profile lookers click to see my entire profile. This is not an effective way to have my questions answered, especially if no one is clicking to see all of my profile. So I have decided to periodically post my questions in a post entitled "Questions"
#1. If a duck mated with a beaver would the result be a platypus?
#2. If the pen is mightier than the sword, then why is there war? If this statement were true, wouldn’t the nations simply write letters to each other proclaiming why they are so pissed off?
#3. Indians (feathers not dots) are Native Americans. I was born in America, which makes me a Native American. Does this mean I am an Indian?
#4. Why do people always stare at the radio when they are in their car listening to it and not driving? The sound isn’t coming from it. Do people expect the radio to suddenly turn into a television?
#5. Did people in the Soviet Union speak Russian? Or was it call Lennonese?
#1. If a duck mated with a beaver would the result be a platypus?
#2. If the pen is mightier than the sword, then why is there war? If this statement were true, wouldn’t the nations simply write letters to each other proclaiming why they are so pissed off?
#3. Indians (feathers not dots) are Native Americans. I was born in America, which makes me a Native American. Does this mean I am an Indian?
#4. Why do people always stare at the radio when they are in their car listening to it and not driving? The sound isn’t coming from it. Do people expect the radio to suddenly turn into a television?
#5. Did people in the Soviet Union speak Russian? Or was it call Lennonese?
An Exerpt from My Thoughts: flying
No matter how much you think you know about flying, your first flight experience is like nothing you imagine. Why? Because, before you ever walk onto a plane your only perception of flying has most likely come from T.V. However, the airplane scenes on any television show or in any movie couldn’t be further from the truth. For instance, have you noticed that every time there is a scene the actors are in the front of the plane? This means infinite leg room. You sit down in a real plane and you realize this concept of leg room probably wasn’t on the agenda at the “How to Build an Airplane” meeting. “Um sir, what about leg room?” asked the intern.“Leg room? HA! Go get some more coffee, Kyle, and let the people getting paid decide what the public needs.” (turning to high executive peers) “Leg room, what kind of crazy idea is that? I like him though, makes one hell of a mocha latte.” Even in the front seats of an airplane you have no leg room. Why? Because they put a wall in front of you. Is there need for this wall? No, there isn’t. It just stands there mocking you. Another thing about these scenes is that the actors can actually stand in the plane. Since when can you stand in a plane, other than in that little strip of carpet they call an aisle? You know this aisle, the thing that causes you to get hit in the groin every time someone, heaven forbid, decides to stretch as you walk by them. You also are able to hear the actors very clearly in any airplane scene. I guess they just forget to add that pleasant sounding hum the twin double barrel monster turbo engines make. Though that hum is annoying, I DO prefer to hear it THROUGHOUT my flight.
I have motion sickness. Yes, that means I vomit when an unnatural object is ushering me across this great earth at a rapid speed. With that in mind, let me now tell you of my first flight experience. My immediate family, all six of us, was flying from St. Louis, Missouri to Akron, Ohio along with my aunt and cousin to attend a glorious event, a family reunion. The flight took place about a year after 9/11. This means, the security implications were in affect to prevent another horrendous tragedy.
My brother is a photographer and he was assigned to take the pictures at the reunion. You are probably thinking no big deal, right? Wrong. He is the only person I know that can actually mock NASA telescopes. “They think that thing can see Saturn up close. This baby can fucking see through Pluto.” My brother was well armed with camera equipment. He had a backpack full of gadgets and enough film to capture the natural decaying processes of styrofoam in real time. And just in case my six-foot tall, blue eyed, pale brother was indeed planning on smuggling a bomb onto the plane, the security guards had to open and check every knickknack and film canister in the backpack. This took about twenty minutes, which is entirely too long. They should have realized, according to the notice sign illustrating things one is not allowed to carry on the plane that bombs clearly come in boxes marked ACME. After the search, we were allowed to start boarding the jet, if it can even be called a jet.
Due to the three hour long flight between St Louis and Akron, we took Andre-the-Little Airplane-that-Might. This plan was so small we had to board the plane by leaving the terminal, walking across the tarmac, and climbing up a portable stair case that can reach speeds of 60 mph. Not a good sign for a first time flier who is a little afraid to ride the Looped-Dee-Loop at my parish picnic never the less an airplane. “Can this thing get off the ground by itself, or does it need to be wound up?” I thought to myself. I had enough anxiety for a therapist to prescribe elephant tranquilizers, but I was relived when I looked at my ticket, row 1 seat 1. “At least I will be able to stretch my legs. And if I do have trouble, I can receive help from a stewardess, I mean flight attendant- I mean in-flight-engineer.” As we boarded, my family went right, and I had to go left. My seat, normally saved for uniformed employees, stood alone, perpendicular to and right behind the cockpit- I mean flight deck- I mean in-flight-control-room-area. I sat down mange to buckle my seat belt, amazingly without instructions on how to do so. After I was strapped in tightly, I looked fearfully at the in-flight-engineer- I mean traveling waitress that doesn’t get tipped, and she just simply looked back and smiled. I immediately resented her. I started to think that smile will be gone about eight seconds after take-off when my breakfast, Fruitloops and a Cina-bun, is on her shoes. Fortunately (for her), my mother informed the poor gypsy waitress of my situation, and remarkably I was able to join the rest of the passengers in the normal sitting position facing the in-flight-control-area.
An hour later we were in the route over Illinois, and I had the pleasure of revisiting the Fruitloops and Cina-bun. Immediately, my family members came over barking orders of how I could cure my airsickness. “Don’t look out the window that makes you dizzy”Well actually I find looking out the window quite enjoyable. It’s pretty looking out the window of an airplane in the sky.“Lay back and maybe you can get some sleep”Right! Move my seat back from a 90 degree angle to the comfortable sleeping position of an 87 degree angle. Then, I can fall asleep and certainly will not wake up from the tranquil sounds of jet engines. ***side note*** Never see “the Sounds of a Jet Engine” next to “the Sounds of the Rain Forest” or “the Sounds of the Babbling Brook” in the soothing sounds CD section ***another one*** where is this babbling brook? I would like to live next to it.*** “You are just afraid of the height, stop looking out the window.”No I’m not afraid of the height. I’m afraid of falling from the height of 30,000 feet in a fiberglass tube traveling over three hundred miles an hour.Though my first flight was not the most pleasurable experience I’ve had, I did survive. I think airline companies purposely make air travel suck just so your destination is that much better. This way you will want to continually go places. I was not exactly thrilled about going to the family reunion, but when we landed I was so happy I wanted to stay with my distant cousins forever. In fact, my joy was so great I could have been hit in the crotch with a crowbar and not cared. Shortly after we arrived in Akron my Dad had discovered that he had lost his driver’s license, his only formal form of identification. It was somewhere from the plane to the car rental agency. This was going to be a problem on the flight home……..or was it? My dad put in a call at the airport as a heads up to look for it or at least for someone to check the lost-and-found. We spent the whole week in Ohio, and I do have to say it was more enjoyable than expected. However, we never heard anything about the driver’s license. When the time came to board the airplane, and we all took out identification, except my Dad. The security guard asked to see his diver’s license and my dad explained the situation. She replied “I will let you board if you show me a library card and a credit card.” Yes, my father boarded an airplane after 9-11 security measures with a LIBRARY CARD and a CREDIT CARD. Moral of the story, if you are a terrorist that doesn’t want the hassle waiting in line at the DMV, go to your local library sign your name on a card, receive a credit card in the mail, and you are set to hijack. HELPFUL FLYING TIP: Always fly while heavily intoxicated, it makes the flight so much better.
I have motion sickness. Yes, that means I vomit when an unnatural object is ushering me across this great earth at a rapid speed. With that in mind, let me now tell you of my first flight experience. My immediate family, all six of us, was flying from St. Louis, Missouri to Akron, Ohio along with my aunt and cousin to attend a glorious event, a family reunion. The flight took place about a year after 9/11. This means, the security implications were in affect to prevent another horrendous tragedy.
My brother is a photographer and he was assigned to take the pictures at the reunion. You are probably thinking no big deal, right? Wrong. He is the only person I know that can actually mock NASA telescopes. “They think that thing can see Saturn up close. This baby can fucking see through Pluto.” My brother was well armed with camera equipment. He had a backpack full of gadgets and enough film to capture the natural decaying processes of styrofoam in real time. And just in case my six-foot tall, blue eyed, pale brother was indeed planning on smuggling a bomb onto the plane, the security guards had to open and check every knickknack and film canister in the backpack. This took about twenty minutes, which is entirely too long. They should have realized, according to the notice sign illustrating things one is not allowed to carry on the plane that bombs clearly come in boxes marked ACME. After the search, we were allowed to start boarding the jet, if it can even be called a jet.
Due to the three hour long flight between St Louis and Akron, we took Andre-the-Little Airplane-that-Might. This plan was so small we had to board the plane by leaving the terminal, walking across the tarmac, and climbing up a portable stair case that can reach speeds of 60 mph. Not a good sign for a first time flier who is a little afraid to ride the Looped-Dee-Loop at my parish picnic never the less an airplane. “Can this thing get off the ground by itself, or does it need to be wound up?” I thought to myself. I had enough anxiety for a therapist to prescribe elephant tranquilizers, but I was relived when I looked at my ticket, row 1 seat 1. “At least I will be able to stretch my legs. And if I do have trouble, I can receive help from a stewardess, I mean flight attendant- I mean in-flight-engineer.” As we boarded, my family went right, and I had to go left. My seat, normally saved for uniformed employees, stood alone, perpendicular to and right behind the cockpit- I mean flight deck- I mean in-flight-control-room-area. I sat down mange to buckle my seat belt, amazingly without instructions on how to do so. After I was strapped in tightly, I looked fearfully at the in-flight-engineer- I mean traveling waitress that doesn’t get tipped, and she just simply looked back and smiled. I immediately resented her. I started to think that smile will be gone about eight seconds after take-off when my breakfast, Fruitloops and a Cina-bun, is on her shoes. Fortunately (for her), my mother informed the poor gypsy waitress of my situation, and remarkably I was able to join the rest of the passengers in the normal sitting position facing the in-flight-control-area.
An hour later we were in the route over Illinois, and I had the pleasure of revisiting the Fruitloops and Cina-bun. Immediately, my family members came over barking orders of how I could cure my airsickness. “Don’t look out the window that makes you dizzy”Well actually I find looking out the window quite enjoyable. It’s pretty looking out the window of an airplane in the sky.“Lay back and maybe you can get some sleep”Right! Move my seat back from a 90 degree angle to the comfortable sleeping position of an 87 degree angle. Then, I can fall asleep and certainly will not wake up from the tranquil sounds of jet engines. ***side note*** Never see “the Sounds of a Jet Engine” next to “the Sounds of the Rain Forest” or “the Sounds of the Babbling Brook” in the soothing sounds CD section ***another one*** where is this babbling brook? I would like to live next to it.*** “You are just afraid of the height, stop looking out the window.”No I’m not afraid of the height. I’m afraid of falling from the height of 30,000 feet in a fiberglass tube traveling over three hundred miles an hour.Though my first flight was not the most pleasurable experience I’ve had, I did survive. I think airline companies purposely make air travel suck just so your destination is that much better. This way you will want to continually go places. I was not exactly thrilled about going to the family reunion, but when we landed I was so happy I wanted to stay with my distant cousins forever. In fact, my joy was so great I could have been hit in the crotch with a crowbar and not cared. Shortly after we arrived in Akron my Dad had discovered that he had lost his driver’s license, his only formal form of identification. It was somewhere from the plane to the car rental agency. This was going to be a problem on the flight home……..or was it? My dad put in a call at the airport as a heads up to look for it or at least for someone to check the lost-and-found. We spent the whole week in Ohio, and I do have to say it was more enjoyable than expected. However, we never heard anything about the driver’s license. When the time came to board the airplane, and we all took out identification, except my Dad. The security guard asked to see his diver’s license and my dad explained the situation. She replied “I will let you board if you show me a library card and a credit card.” Yes, my father boarded an airplane after 9-11 security measures with a LIBRARY CARD and a CREDIT CARD. Moral of the story, if you are a terrorist that doesn’t want the hassle waiting in line at the DMV, go to your local library sign your name on a card, receive a credit card in the mail, and you are set to hijack. HELPFUL FLYING TIP: Always fly while heavily intoxicated, it makes the flight so much better.
Friday, January 26, 2007
fake news
Homeland Security investigates claims of illegal aliens in Nebraska
On Tuesday, November 18, a man from Lincoln, Nebraska reported to local police that he and a friend spotted aliens while on a hunting trip. According to police, the man, Russell Baynes, and his friend, Chuck Landis, were sleeping in their tent when a loud noise woke them. “I had just got to sleep when I heard an unnatural noise.” Baynes said, “It sounded like the sound a cow makes after getting tipped over, but more machine-like.” After the police found 24 empty Corona bottles, 2 empty bottles of tequila, candy, scratch marks on some of the trees, a baseball bat, and three sombreros, they called in state authorities to investigate. Tim Mathers, a Homeland Security agent, reports, “The story and evidence go hand in hand. I think we have stumbled onto a large case.” Landis claims he saw the aliens. “I was wondering what was making the noise, so I took my rifle and went toward the noise. I saw a big, red four-legged animal hung from a tree on a string being attacked by a creature with an enlarged head. I shot the animal, you know, to end its suffering. It exploded and the aliens jumped on the ground to eat the beast’s entrails. I ran back to camp like a buffalo being chased by a cougar.” Both Landis and Baynes claimed to have been drinking before they went to sleep.
Terrorist Wins Lawsuit against New York Times
Omar Mohammad Jihad Ali Bin Al-cari won his case against the New York Times on Monday. Al-cari filed suit against the newspaper in March after it had printed his plans to bomb four different buildings by using hot-air balloons. Al-cari claims that his plans were copyrighted and could not be printed without his written consent. After the Times could not prove they had consent, the court ordered them to pay one million dollars to Al-cari. When asked what he was going to do with the money, Al-cari said he would post his half-million dollar bale for his conviction of conspiracy of a terrorist act and then go to Disney Land.
In a related story, Major League Baseball has pressed charges against Ray Lamizzeli of Newark, New Jersey for retransmitting a Red Sox-Yankee game without their expressed written consent.
Kevin Bacon Suffers Third Degree Burns While Cooking Bacon
Actor/singer Kevin Bacon was emitted into St. Stephen’s hospital in Burbank, CA on Wednesday with severe burns on his arms, chest, legs, and penis. The actor reportedly was frying bacon in the nude to make breakfast in bed for his wife. He apparently tripped while dancing and hit the stove causing the pan to fly into the air and the bacon and bacon grease to land a top of the naked star. Bacon’s publicist claims “Mr. Bacon is currently in stable condition and will be dancing again in no time.”
Gore Severely Burned by Nobel Prize
Last Thursday, former U.S. Vice President Al Gore was admitted into a hospital in Stockholm, Sweden. Vice President Gore had just received the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in gathering nations to sign the Qiqihar Accord*. After handing out the prize in physics to German born Dr. Freddrick Guntensagenburg for his work with black holes and their time traveling capabilities and the prize in chemistry to Russian born Dr. Nickoli Ticanoff for his work of extracting the element Ytterbiumm from coconut oil and turning it into a powerful vodka, the Swedish King Carl XVI Gustaf awarded the former Vice President with his medal. As the King went on to give out the prize in medicine to US born Dr. Lenard Turek for his work with creating an aloe plant cream that can completely heal victims of second degree or lesser burns, Gore’s medal, heated up by unseasonably high temperatures, melted on his chest. Gore let out a shriek of pure, excruciating pain as he looked down to find the medal oozing onto his shoes. Fortunately, Dr. Turek had some of his cream on hand and treated Mr. Gore. Unfortunately, Gore suffered third degree burns, so the cream worked as well as “baby oil.” “I did not know how severe the burns were until we got to the hospital.” Dr. Turek said, “I treated him (Gore) with the cream in hopes that it would work. It turned out I could have just baby oil, and not wasted my award winning cream that is available for just five easy payments of $29.95” Before the ambulance arrived, Dr. Ticanoff exclaimed “Better to be safe than sorry” as he gave Gore a bottle of vodka to ease the pain. Gore will be undergoing a skin graph on Monday and plastic surgery on Tuesday. He is currently in a stable condition and is expected to be looking new and improved after his face lift and tummy tuck.
*Qiqihar Accord- a protocol signed on November 23, 2006 in Qiqihar, China by 238 nations to cut global greenhouse gas emissions by 50%
Nut Fest 2007
Last Saturday, Appleton, Washington hosted its annual Nut Fest. The festival kicked off, as always, with the “Show Your Nuts” contest, in which venders from around the world show their nuts to festival goers. “I really liked the Costa Rican’s nuts. In fact, I prefer most of the Latin nuts, but the Costa Rican’s are just right.” said Cindy Calhoun, long time festival visitor from Piedmont, Idaho. Cindy was not the only one to fancy the Costa Rican’s nuts. Hector Valdez of San Fernando, Costa Rica went home with a blue ribbon tied around his nuts, as the judges selected his bushel to be best of the bunch. Aubrick Dusenhiem of Innsbruck, Austria took home the red ribbon, and Chesapeake, Wyoming native, Carl Yawney received the third place green ribbon. Yawney was excited, to say the least, over his triumph, “I am just happier than a swine in a pile of its own feces. This is my first time in the competition, and I got third. I mean, I knew I have good nuts, but as my wife Nancy kept saying in the car on the drive up “prepare to be disappointed this is just your first time, and you won't really know what to expect; and you know you don’t perform well when your nervous” I’m just looking forward to next year. I’m looking to bring home the blue.”
The festivities continued as The Cracking Nuts took stage. The Cracking Nuts have a style all to their own as they take Smashing Pumpkins songs and change the lyrics to make them about nuts. “I came all the way from Greenville, Wyoming just to hear them play.” Gary Ashburn boasted, “They were every bit of what I hoped for. I couldn’t believe it, they played “To nut, To nut” and “The Shelling is the Beginning of the Shelling”, and then they broke out the oldie “I am Nuts.” I about blew my mind.”
After the concert the main attraction started, the nut cracking competition. The object of competition is to shell twenty five peanuts, fifteen hazelnuts, ten Brazil nuts, five cashews, two macadamia nuts, and one walnut. The quickest to shell wins. First, the children competed, and little Ted Wisture, age 10, became the hometown hero as he freed the nuts of their casings in just 12 minutes and 28 seconds. The ladies were next to battle, and Audrey Laskic of Naperville, Connecticut dominated the competition. She completed the task in just 7 minutes and 49 seconds. The long awaited finale began soon after Nigel Hamilton of Durham, England took home top prize in the men's division as he shelled the nuts in just 6 minutes 12 seconds.
People cheered as the announcer introduced Simon “the grip” Caldwell of Brisbane, Australia. Simon has won the men’s competition the last three years shattering the world record of fastest shelling each time. On his first try he broke Frank Zetterfield’s time of 5 minutes 13 second with a blistering time of 3 minutes and 51 seconds. His current record is 2 minutes 32 seconds. This year Simon was challenged to face Zippy the Squirrel. Zippy is a Western Grey Squirrel and has been clocked at accomplishing the cracking competition in a sweltering time of 1 minute 56 seconds. “Zippy has gone through hours of training a day and is looking in prime shape as he is ready for the competition.” said Doug Koenig, Zippy’s trainer. Caldwell began at a feverish pace reaching the half way point in just 62 seconds. But in the end, beast bested man as Zippy finished not only cracking, but eating his nuts as well, in just 1 minute 48 seconds beating Caldwell by 43 seconds. “I look forward to a rematch next year.” Caldwell said though he was not too down about the loss as he said after the competition “Well, I am competing against a squirrel.”
All in all, the 54th annual Nut Fest 2007 was a success. It accomplished its goal of satisfying nut connoisseurs from around the planet, and their nut obsessions will bring them back to little Appleton, Washington once again next year.
Mute Awareness Month
Everyone knows that February is Black History Month and October increasing awareness of breast cancer. Now, March is focusing on mute awareness. Last Tuesday, Congress passed a bill proclaiming March to be known as Mute Awareness Month.
The bill was spearheaded by Democratic Senator Jeffery Lehman of Montana. “This bill finally gives the mutes a chance to stand up and speak about their disability.” Lehman said after Tuesday’s session. Raising awareness for muteness is a subject close to Lehman’s heart, as his sister suffers from the disability. “It has always been a struggle for my sister. Imagine never being able to go through a drive through at a fast food chain, or getting to sing along with everyone else at a concert.”
Lehman’s state of Montana is the highest mute-per-capita state in the nation, with 1 of every 11,050 claiming the disability according to the 2000 census. Tennessee holds the next highest mute population with 1 of every 12,030. Tennessee Senator Herbert Williams (R) was very pleased to see the bill pass. “This is clearly a step in the right direction, and I am thrilled to know that many citizens of the great state of Tennessee will be getting recognition that is long overdue.”
A muteness rally is scheduled to take place on March 1st in Washington in front of the Washington Monument. The rally is going to be emceed by popular mute celebrity figure, Teller. Other notable mute celebrities that are scheduled for an appearance include: Wilson from Castaway, Silent Bob, and Elizabeth Hasslebeck (The View). “It is wonderful to have notable celebrities stand up for the cause.” Lehman mentioned. “Ever since I saw Harpo Marx in Duck Soup, I knew mutes could make it. It is just wonderful to have such positive role models for our cause.”
Woman Wins Lotto, Gets Sentenced for Life
Maurine White of Chelsea, Wyoming could not believe her luck last month when she won the Power Ball jackpot, a sum of $32 million. “I play every week with the same numbers. I buy one ticket and get the same numbers. I figure those numbers were bound to win some time and that some time is now!” White said at the Lottery Press Conference.
Maurine’s luck soon ran out, as she was charged with second degree murder after hiring a hit man. Ervin Green, White’s friend and former lover, came to police with a sum of a million dollars that he claimed White had given him to kill himself. Green, a hit man, confessed to two murders in the Chelsea area. He claims White paid him a sum of $32,000 in 2003 to knock-off her boyfriend at the time, Greg Plum, a Wyoming State University professor. The details to the other case are presently undisclosed.
Green filed his report to the Chelsea police last Thursday, a day after White had given him the money. “He said he just couldn’t do it for a million.” Harvey Armstrong, the Chelsea Chief of Police said during a press conference. “The woman had apparently done business with Mr. Green before. He has confessed to two other murders, including the murder of Greg Plum. This gives us great relief, as this case has been open for some time. Plum was found in his kitchen with a head wound caused by a lead pipe. There were no clues as to who the murderer was.”
White’s court date is scheduled for mid-February. If convicted, she is facing twenty years to life in prison. Green’s court date is scheduled for next month. He has been charged with two counts of first degree murder and is facing twenty years to life in prison. If either is found guilty, the juries could opt for the death penalty.
Sports Section
Pirates, D-Backs Agree to Trade before Deadline
Just minutes before the midnight deadline yesterday, the Pittsburg Pirates and Arizona Diamondbacks reached a deal. Both teams felt the need for change, but did not want to rush into any certain commitment. They settled on the trade that involves the Pirates giving up a player to be named later for a player to be named later curiosity of the D-Backs. This deal looks promising for both teams who have not faired well thus far in the season. The Pirates hold the worst record in the league (32-69) and are looking to rebuild with young players. The Diamondbacks are the owners of a better record (44-57), but are still in the same boat as the Pirates. Both teams have superb farm systems, which gives the other team a great opportunity to pick potentially great major league players. “I think this deal will help our team in the future.” Pirates GM Gerry Young said. “They have a lot of talent in the minors which gives us the option of picking a good player.” Only time will tell which team this will benefit more, but as of now it looks as if each has made an excellent decision.
On Tuesday, November 18, a man from Lincoln, Nebraska reported to local police that he and a friend spotted aliens while on a hunting trip. According to police, the man, Russell Baynes, and his friend, Chuck Landis, were sleeping in their tent when a loud noise woke them. “I had just got to sleep when I heard an unnatural noise.” Baynes said, “It sounded like the sound a cow makes after getting tipped over, but more machine-like.” After the police found 24 empty Corona bottles, 2 empty bottles of tequila, candy, scratch marks on some of the trees, a baseball bat, and three sombreros, they called in state authorities to investigate. Tim Mathers, a Homeland Security agent, reports, “The story and evidence go hand in hand. I think we have stumbled onto a large case.” Landis claims he saw the aliens. “I was wondering what was making the noise, so I took my rifle and went toward the noise. I saw a big, red four-legged animal hung from a tree on a string being attacked by a creature with an enlarged head. I shot the animal, you know, to end its suffering. It exploded and the aliens jumped on the ground to eat the beast’s entrails. I ran back to camp like a buffalo being chased by a cougar.” Both Landis and Baynes claimed to have been drinking before they went to sleep.
Terrorist Wins Lawsuit against New York Times
Omar Mohammad Jihad Ali Bin Al-cari won his case against the New York Times on Monday. Al-cari filed suit against the newspaper in March after it had printed his plans to bomb four different buildings by using hot-air balloons. Al-cari claims that his plans were copyrighted and could not be printed without his written consent. After the Times could not prove they had consent, the court ordered them to pay one million dollars to Al-cari. When asked what he was going to do with the money, Al-cari said he would post his half-million dollar bale for his conviction of conspiracy of a terrorist act and then go to Disney Land.
In a related story, Major League Baseball has pressed charges against Ray Lamizzeli of Newark, New Jersey for retransmitting a Red Sox-Yankee game without their expressed written consent.
Kevin Bacon Suffers Third Degree Burns While Cooking Bacon
Actor/singer Kevin Bacon was emitted into St. Stephen’s hospital in Burbank, CA on Wednesday with severe burns on his arms, chest, legs, and penis. The actor reportedly was frying bacon in the nude to make breakfast in bed for his wife. He apparently tripped while dancing and hit the stove causing the pan to fly into the air and the bacon and bacon grease to land a top of the naked star. Bacon’s publicist claims “Mr. Bacon is currently in stable condition and will be dancing again in no time.”
Gore Severely Burned by Nobel Prize
Last Thursday, former U.S. Vice President Al Gore was admitted into a hospital in Stockholm, Sweden. Vice President Gore had just received the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in gathering nations to sign the Qiqihar Accord*. After handing out the prize in physics to German born Dr. Freddrick Guntensagenburg for his work with black holes and their time traveling capabilities and the prize in chemistry to Russian born Dr. Nickoli Ticanoff for his work of extracting the element Ytterbiumm from coconut oil and turning it into a powerful vodka, the Swedish King Carl XVI Gustaf awarded the former Vice President with his medal. As the King went on to give out the prize in medicine to US born Dr. Lenard Turek for his work with creating an aloe plant cream that can completely heal victims of second degree or lesser burns, Gore’s medal, heated up by unseasonably high temperatures, melted on his chest. Gore let out a shriek of pure, excruciating pain as he looked down to find the medal oozing onto his shoes. Fortunately, Dr. Turek had some of his cream on hand and treated Mr. Gore. Unfortunately, Gore suffered third degree burns, so the cream worked as well as “baby oil.” “I did not know how severe the burns were until we got to the hospital.” Dr. Turek said, “I treated him (Gore) with the cream in hopes that it would work. It turned out I could have just baby oil, and not wasted my award winning cream that is available for just five easy payments of $29.95” Before the ambulance arrived, Dr. Ticanoff exclaimed “Better to be safe than sorry” as he gave Gore a bottle of vodka to ease the pain. Gore will be undergoing a skin graph on Monday and plastic surgery on Tuesday. He is currently in a stable condition and is expected to be looking new and improved after his face lift and tummy tuck.
*Qiqihar Accord- a protocol signed on November 23, 2006 in Qiqihar, China by 238 nations to cut global greenhouse gas emissions by 50%
Nut Fest 2007
Last Saturday, Appleton, Washington hosted its annual Nut Fest. The festival kicked off, as always, with the “Show Your Nuts” contest, in which venders from around the world show their nuts to festival goers. “I really liked the Costa Rican’s nuts. In fact, I prefer most of the Latin nuts, but the Costa Rican’s are just right.” said Cindy Calhoun, long time festival visitor from Piedmont, Idaho. Cindy was not the only one to fancy the Costa Rican’s nuts. Hector Valdez of San Fernando, Costa Rica went home with a blue ribbon tied around his nuts, as the judges selected his bushel to be best of the bunch. Aubrick Dusenhiem of Innsbruck, Austria took home the red ribbon, and Chesapeake, Wyoming native, Carl Yawney received the third place green ribbon. Yawney was excited, to say the least, over his triumph, “I am just happier than a swine in a pile of its own feces. This is my first time in the competition, and I got third. I mean, I knew I have good nuts, but as my wife Nancy kept saying in the car on the drive up “prepare to be disappointed this is just your first time, and you won't really know what to expect; and you know you don’t perform well when your nervous” I’m just looking forward to next year. I’m looking to bring home the blue.”
The festivities continued as The Cracking Nuts took stage. The Cracking Nuts have a style all to their own as they take Smashing Pumpkins songs and change the lyrics to make them about nuts. “I came all the way from Greenville, Wyoming just to hear them play.” Gary Ashburn boasted, “They were every bit of what I hoped for. I couldn’t believe it, they played “To nut, To nut” and “The Shelling is the Beginning of the Shelling”, and then they broke out the oldie “I am Nuts.” I about blew my mind.”
After the concert the main attraction started, the nut cracking competition. The object of competition is to shell twenty five peanuts, fifteen hazelnuts, ten Brazil nuts, five cashews, two macadamia nuts, and one walnut. The quickest to shell wins. First, the children competed, and little Ted Wisture, age 10, became the hometown hero as he freed the nuts of their casings in just 12 minutes and 28 seconds. The ladies were next to battle, and Audrey Laskic of Naperville, Connecticut dominated the competition. She completed the task in just 7 minutes and 49 seconds. The long awaited finale began soon after Nigel Hamilton of Durham, England took home top prize in the men's division as he shelled the nuts in just 6 minutes 12 seconds.
People cheered as the announcer introduced Simon “the grip” Caldwell of Brisbane, Australia. Simon has won the men’s competition the last three years shattering the world record of fastest shelling each time. On his first try he broke Frank Zetterfield’s time of 5 minutes 13 second with a blistering time of 3 minutes and 51 seconds. His current record is 2 minutes 32 seconds. This year Simon was challenged to face Zippy the Squirrel. Zippy is a Western Grey Squirrel and has been clocked at accomplishing the cracking competition in a sweltering time of 1 minute 56 seconds. “Zippy has gone through hours of training a day and is looking in prime shape as he is ready for the competition.” said Doug Koenig, Zippy’s trainer. Caldwell began at a feverish pace reaching the half way point in just 62 seconds. But in the end, beast bested man as Zippy finished not only cracking, but eating his nuts as well, in just 1 minute 48 seconds beating Caldwell by 43 seconds. “I look forward to a rematch next year.” Caldwell said though he was not too down about the loss as he said after the competition “Well, I am competing against a squirrel.”
All in all, the 54th annual Nut Fest 2007 was a success. It accomplished its goal of satisfying nut connoisseurs from around the planet, and their nut obsessions will bring them back to little Appleton, Washington once again next year.
Mute Awareness Month
Everyone knows that February is Black History Month and October increasing awareness of breast cancer. Now, March is focusing on mute awareness. Last Tuesday, Congress passed a bill proclaiming March to be known as Mute Awareness Month.
The bill was spearheaded by Democratic Senator Jeffery Lehman of Montana. “This bill finally gives the mutes a chance to stand up and speak about their disability.” Lehman said after Tuesday’s session. Raising awareness for muteness is a subject close to Lehman’s heart, as his sister suffers from the disability. “It has always been a struggle for my sister. Imagine never being able to go through a drive through at a fast food chain, or getting to sing along with everyone else at a concert.”
Lehman’s state of Montana is the highest mute-per-capita state in the nation, with 1 of every 11,050 claiming the disability according to the 2000 census. Tennessee holds the next highest mute population with 1 of every 12,030. Tennessee Senator Herbert Williams (R) was very pleased to see the bill pass. “This is clearly a step in the right direction, and I am thrilled to know that many citizens of the great state of Tennessee will be getting recognition that is long overdue.”
A muteness rally is scheduled to take place on March 1st in Washington in front of the Washington Monument. The rally is going to be emceed by popular mute celebrity figure, Teller. Other notable mute celebrities that are scheduled for an appearance include: Wilson from Castaway, Silent Bob, and Elizabeth Hasslebeck (The View). “It is wonderful to have notable celebrities stand up for the cause.” Lehman mentioned. “Ever since I saw Harpo Marx in Duck Soup, I knew mutes could make it. It is just wonderful to have such positive role models for our cause.”
Woman Wins Lotto, Gets Sentenced for Life
Maurine White of Chelsea, Wyoming could not believe her luck last month when she won the Power Ball jackpot, a sum of $32 million. “I play every week with the same numbers. I buy one ticket and get the same numbers. I figure those numbers were bound to win some time and that some time is now!” White said at the Lottery Press Conference.
Maurine’s luck soon ran out, as she was charged with second degree murder after hiring a hit man. Ervin Green, White’s friend and former lover, came to police with a sum of a million dollars that he claimed White had given him to kill himself. Green, a hit man, confessed to two murders in the Chelsea area. He claims White paid him a sum of $32,000 in 2003 to knock-off her boyfriend at the time, Greg Plum, a Wyoming State University professor. The details to the other case are presently undisclosed.
Green filed his report to the Chelsea police last Thursday, a day after White had given him the money. “He said he just couldn’t do it for a million.” Harvey Armstrong, the Chelsea Chief of Police said during a press conference. “The woman had apparently done business with Mr. Green before. He has confessed to two other murders, including the murder of Greg Plum. This gives us great relief, as this case has been open for some time. Plum was found in his kitchen with a head wound caused by a lead pipe. There were no clues as to who the murderer was.”
White’s court date is scheduled for mid-February. If convicted, she is facing twenty years to life in prison. Green’s court date is scheduled for next month. He has been charged with two counts of first degree murder and is facing twenty years to life in prison. If either is found guilty, the juries could opt for the death penalty.
Sports Section
Pirates, D-Backs Agree to Trade before Deadline
Just minutes before the midnight deadline yesterday, the Pittsburg Pirates and Arizona Diamondbacks reached a deal. Both teams felt the need for change, but did not want to rush into any certain commitment. They settled on the trade that involves the Pirates giving up a player to be named later for a player to be named later curiosity of the D-Backs. This deal looks promising for both teams who have not faired well thus far in the season. The Pirates hold the worst record in the league (32-69) and are looking to rebuild with young players. The Diamondbacks are the owners of a better record (44-57), but are still in the same boat as the Pirates. Both teams have superb farm systems, which gives the other team a great opportunity to pick potentially great major league players. “I think this deal will help our team in the future.” Pirates GM Gerry Young said. “They have a lot of talent in the minors which gives us the option of picking a good player.” Only time will tell which team this will benefit more, but as of now it looks as if each has made an excellent decision.
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