Man Kills Faux, Gets Real Sentence
Tampa Bay, Florida- Gareth Humes of Galveston, Georgia plead guilty last Thursday to first degree murder for the killing of Donald Lee, a native of the Tampa area and Rush Limbaugh look-a-like. Humes was sentenced to 30 years to life in prison by Judge Harmon Thrash. Judge Thrash stated that Humes’ plea allowed him parole, something the intended victim of the crime is not happy about. Humes claimed that he had planned to murder the real Rush Limbaugh after hearing that the conservative talk show host was vacationing in Tampa. His plan went awry after he spotted Lee impersonating Limbaugh. Lee was satirically impersonating the controversial radio host to earn some extra cash, while Limbaugh was in town. Unfortunately, Humes mistook Lee for Limbaugh, and shot Lee in the chest six times.
Limbaugh spoke of the news on his show saying, “This psychotic, little (profanity) had the gall, and audacity to plan to murder me. Shoot me when I was least expecting it like some Allah loving terrorist. But did I really have anything to worry about though? I mean when was the last time a Democrat did anything right anyway? I am just surprise this little (profanity) had the balls to actually do something. And to this yahoo who was impersonating me, it deservers you right. Impersonation is only the highest form of flattery for losers. And that’s what this guy was a loser. Who makes money making fun of people? He should have gotten a real job.”
Before his sentencing Humes gave a heartfelt apology to the Lee family claiming that he never meant to hurt them, and that he intended to only end the life of Limbaugh, whose name he never actually addressed during the trial. “Unfortunately, Mr. Lee looked too much like him. I only intended to harm him. He is evil and should not be allowed to live none the less broadcast his mercurial, delusionary thoughts across America. I just hope that (profanity) knows he has it coming to him.”
Humes' case has been getting nationwide attention. Many have turned against Limbaugh after his asinine comments about Lee and given Humes sympathy after his heartfelt apology to the Lee family. Enraged, however, are the Limbaugh supporters as they stand by their man, and are glad to know that he has come back from his vacation in one piece.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Fake News: Sports page
I haven't posted in a long time, but I am still alive. Enjoy.
Announcer Found Juicing
WOD News, St. Louis- Chip Kern, beloved announcer for the St. Louis Cardinals, tested positive for PED (performance enhancing drugs) in 2005. The 56 year old Kern has been the play by play analyst on Sunday afternoon games for KSDK channel 5 in St. Louis since 2003. Kern previously had stints announcing for minor league affiliates in both the Cleveland Indians and San Francisco Giant organizations.
“This is just shocking news. I cannot believe it. I never suspected him,” said Mike Shanedist, long time Cardinal radio play by play man, “I knew he had just been doing gigs in the minors before this. I just thought he hadn’t been fully discovered and given any chances. It was like the came out of nowhere though, really turned his career around.”
Shanedist stated that he himself never did nor ever would do any PEDs to further his career. “It just hurts your voice in the long run. Sure you’re able to get louder and attain wider range, but that stuff just tears your larynx to shreds and your Adam’s apple shrinks.”
The news of Kern is linked to what has become known as “the list,” which has the names of 50 announcers across baseball that tested positive for PEDs in 2005. The list was supposed to remain anonymous, but names have slowly leaked from it, including legendary announcers Barry Blum and Mark McGruff.
Fans have reacted jadedly to the news of Kern. “At this point it would be surprising if any of them weren’t on the stuff,” said long time Cardinal fan James Plausivic. “They really need to just come out with all the names so this can be over. It really is just tiring at this point. We just need to move on.”
It also appears that many of the fans think the announcers found using PEDs will end up in the Hall of Fame, despite many of the baseball writers’ sentiments. “They all did it, so the best of them might as well be in the hall. Everything changed, recordings were made, so why not let them in? I enjoyed them. I think they brought a lot of people back to baseball after the strike. They made it fun,” Plausivic said.
The commissioner’s office has yet to rule on Kern’s case, but a suspension is not warranted since Kern tested before the current drug policy was in place. Kern could also seek legal action against those who leaked his name since the test results were supposed to be kept secret. Kern is set to hold a press conference Wednesday afternoon.
Announcer Found Juicing
WOD News, St. Louis- Chip Kern, beloved announcer for the St. Louis Cardinals, tested positive for PED (performance enhancing drugs) in 2005. The 56 year old Kern has been the play by play analyst on Sunday afternoon games for KSDK channel 5 in St. Louis since 2003. Kern previously had stints announcing for minor league affiliates in both the Cleveland Indians and San Francisco Giant organizations.
“This is just shocking news. I cannot believe it. I never suspected him,” said Mike Shanedist, long time Cardinal radio play by play man, “I knew he had just been doing gigs in the minors before this. I just thought he hadn’t been fully discovered and given any chances. It was like the came out of nowhere though, really turned his career around.”
Shanedist stated that he himself never did nor ever would do any PEDs to further his career. “It just hurts your voice in the long run. Sure you’re able to get louder and attain wider range, but that stuff just tears your larynx to shreds and your Adam’s apple shrinks.”
The news of Kern is linked to what has become known as “the list,” which has the names of 50 announcers across baseball that tested positive for PEDs in 2005. The list was supposed to remain anonymous, but names have slowly leaked from it, including legendary announcers Barry Blum and Mark McGruff.
Fans have reacted jadedly to the news of Kern. “At this point it would be surprising if any of them weren’t on the stuff,” said long time Cardinal fan James Plausivic. “They really need to just come out with all the names so this can be over. It really is just tiring at this point. We just need to move on.”
It also appears that many of the fans think the announcers found using PEDs will end up in the Hall of Fame, despite many of the baseball writers’ sentiments. “They all did it, so the best of them might as well be in the hall. Everything changed, recordings were made, so why not let them in? I enjoyed them. I think they brought a lot of people back to baseball after the strike. They made it fun,” Plausivic said.
The commissioner’s office has yet to rule on Kern’s case, but a suspension is not warranted since Kern tested before the current drug policy was in place. Kern could also seek legal action against those who leaked his name since the test results were supposed to be kept secret. Kern is set to hold a press conference Wednesday afternoon.
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