Have you ever noticed that when some one loses something, everyone around them suddenly becomes Sherlock Holmes? “I’ll solve this if it’s the last thing I do.” But their sleuthing skills are as acute as a monkey’s on acid. Most interrogations go as followed: “Man, I can’t find my keys. I’ve looked everywhere.” “Well, where did you lose them?” Are you kidding? Seriously? If one knew where they lost their lost item then the item wouldn’t be lost, now would it? Good work, Sipowicz.
I have come to the conclusion that, after a man states the phrase “In my heterosexual opinion,” the next words out of his mouth are going to be really gay.
I believe the secret of Dick Clark’s neverending enthusiasm and energy is that every night he is stored in a Ziploc bag to keep him fresh.
Tic-Tack-Toe has nothing to do with ticks, tacks, or toes.
Going out to dinner with someone isn’t quite so romantic, when you visualize what they are going to be doing with the food they are eating six to eight hours later.
Does action ever get pissed that people are jumping into it all the time? “Can’t they just leave me alone? Or at least saunter into me?”
One of my friends asked me if I wanted to go fly fishing. I said yes. I was intrigued. “How do you catch a tiny, winged insect on a fishing pole?”
You never see anyone store a suit in a suitcase.
I wonder how much you would have to pay a hit man to kill himself.
On nice days at my college campus, one can find a stand in the quad that allows you to rent a puppy for an hour for $5. This, in everyway, is puppy prostitution.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Fake News (sort of)
The other day I had a revelation. Instead of writing fake news of today's world, I coould write fake news in a historical sense. These stories would be the little know events that lead to major occuences in history.
The following story is the acts that led to the Salem witch trials of 1692. This is the first account of mass witch hunting in the New World. No one knew about these events in the little know colony of New Fife until recently when an old newspaper was discovered in an old desk.
The following entries are articles in the American Colonies section of an English Newspaper, The Daily Crumpet.
New Fife, British Colonial America- 1691
Saturday, August 8
A woman was burned at the steak for witchcraft. Emily Flanders was accused of sending shocks throughout her victims’ bodies. Flanders would repeatedly rub her feet on her bear skin rug, then touch the victims, permitting evil spirits or ghosts seeking vengeance to enter the victims’ bodies. The demonic spirits are expelled only by the grace of God.
This matter of witchcraft was brought to the attention of both the governor, Oswald Greenstock, and the preacher, Archibald Hemmings, by Flanders’ husband, John. Mr. Flanders suspected his wife was performing witchcraft after she sent these demons into every member of her family all the while laughing hysterically. “It was difficult for me to admit that she has sinful powers, but after she put demons into our little Nathaniel and scoffed as he flinched, I knew what had to be done. She was a good wife to me, but she is a witch. I could not allow my house, a house blessed by God, to be overtaken by the devil.” John Flanders said after the burning.
Emily Flanders’ position of school teacher will now be taken over by Prudence Abernathy. “The first thing the children will learn from me is that witchcraft is real, and cannot be tolerated. It is everywhere and anyone could be practicing dark magic. So, the children will have to learn to accuse anyone of witchcraft if they are doing anything abnormally. It is our duty to the Lord to rid the world of these sinners.”
Wednesday, August 12
Seven girls at New Fife Elementary School have been accused of witchcraft since Monday. All of the accusations have been found false, though one of the girls is under a heavy surveillance. All accusations were made by one child, Solomon Jennings. “Ms. Abernathy told us to accuse anyone if we saw them doing anything weird so I have been keeping an eye on everyone.” Jennings said during questioning after his seventh false accusation.
Jennings only raised the accusations after the girls stood in a circle while whispering to each other. Jennings only shouted witch as one of the girls walked up to him and gave him a muffin. “I thought it might have been poisoned so I quickly confiscated the muffin for further investigation.” Prudence Abernathy, the school teacher, said. “After an extended amount of examination, I came to the conclusion the muffin was safe, and the young girl’s gesture was merely out of infatuation for the boy.” said Archibald Hemmings, the preacher and spiritual advisor of New Fife.
The only questionable act was committed by Hannah Yost, who allegedly pulled hair from Caleb Booth’s head. “She asked me if she could have some of my hair. I said no, but she grabbed some and ran away giggling.” The boy said. Solomon Jennings raised the question of witchcraft to Abernathy after seeing this act take place. “We are going to keep a close eye on Ms. Yost in chances of her casting a spell on Mr. Booth with his hair.” Abernathy said. Yost will be under heavy surveillance for the next several months, and has been ordered to give up the locked that was containing Booth’s hair.
The following story is the acts that led to the Salem witch trials of 1692. This is the first account of mass witch hunting in the New World. No one knew about these events in the little know colony of New Fife until recently when an old newspaper was discovered in an old desk.
The following entries are articles in the American Colonies section of an English Newspaper, The Daily Crumpet.
New Fife, British Colonial America- 1691
Saturday, August 8
A woman was burned at the steak for witchcraft. Emily Flanders was accused of sending shocks throughout her victims’ bodies. Flanders would repeatedly rub her feet on her bear skin rug, then touch the victims, permitting evil spirits or ghosts seeking vengeance to enter the victims’ bodies. The demonic spirits are expelled only by the grace of God.
This matter of witchcraft was brought to the attention of both the governor, Oswald Greenstock, and the preacher, Archibald Hemmings, by Flanders’ husband, John. Mr. Flanders suspected his wife was performing witchcraft after she sent these demons into every member of her family all the while laughing hysterically. “It was difficult for me to admit that she has sinful powers, but after she put demons into our little Nathaniel and scoffed as he flinched, I knew what had to be done. She was a good wife to me, but she is a witch. I could not allow my house, a house blessed by God, to be overtaken by the devil.” John Flanders said after the burning.
Emily Flanders’ position of school teacher will now be taken over by Prudence Abernathy. “The first thing the children will learn from me is that witchcraft is real, and cannot be tolerated. It is everywhere and anyone could be practicing dark magic. So, the children will have to learn to accuse anyone of witchcraft if they are doing anything abnormally. It is our duty to the Lord to rid the world of these sinners.”
Wednesday, August 12
Seven girls at New Fife Elementary School have been accused of witchcraft since Monday. All of the accusations have been found false, though one of the girls is under a heavy surveillance. All accusations were made by one child, Solomon Jennings. “Ms. Abernathy told us to accuse anyone if we saw them doing anything weird so I have been keeping an eye on everyone.” Jennings said during questioning after his seventh false accusation.
Jennings only raised the accusations after the girls stood in a circle while whispering to each other. Jennings only shouted witch as one of the girls walked up to him and gave him a muffin. “I thought it might have been poisoned so I quickly confiscated the muffin for further investigation.” Prudence Abernathy, the school teacher, said. “After an extended amount of examination, I came to the conclusion the muffin was safe, and the young girl’s gesture was merely out of infatuation for the boy.” said Archibald Hemmings, the preacher and spiritual advisor of New Fife.
The only questionable act was committed by Hannah Yost, who allegedly pulled hair from Caleb Booth’s head. “She asked me if she could have some of my hair. I said no, but she grabbed some and ran away giggling.” The boy said. Solomon Jennings raised the question of witchcraft to Abernathy after seeing this act take place. “We are going to keep a close eye on Ms. Yost in chances of her casting a spell on Mr. Booth with his hair.” Abernathy said. Yost will be under heavy surveillance for the next several months, and has been ordered to give up the locked that was containing Booth’s hair.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Fake News
City on the Move
Jacobsonville, AB, Canada made history last Monday, when it became the first city to pass a bill to move itself one latitudinal degree north of its current location. The legislation was passed during the first day of mayor Gary Hersher’s tenure. Hersher won the mayoral elections in a landside running on the platform of moving the city north. The need for this move became apparent to the Jacobsonvillians when the city’s chief tourist attraction, Madame Icy’s Ice Sculpture Museum, was shut down because of unusually warm temperatures. All of the museum’s outside sculptures were lost during the summer months. “The museum had to be shutdown until temperatures dropped.” said Madame Icy’s curator, Agatha Beach. “It’s the first time we have ever shut down and was hugely disappointing. I am looking forward to the move. I expect our visitor numbers to be as strong as ever. This was a really good idea.” Jacobsonville’s economy has suffered the past year, because of the museum’s closure. The city lost an estimated $1 million dollars in tourists spending. “The move is a logistical nightmare, but I believe we are prepared. We have an excellent plan in place.” Mayor Hersher commented during a press conference. “The city will be moved in sections, and the move should take just 4 to 5 days.” The best professional movers have been hired from Alberta province, and the Canadian Football league players have volunteered to help. “This will be a good time, good break from working out. Coach said the best workout I could give you guys was to move a city.” Calvin Watson, Star linebacker of the Calgary Stampeders, said after a Monday practice. If this move proves to be successful, it could be just the first of many city wide moves in the fight to combat global warming
Jacobsonville, AB, Canada made history last Monday, when it became the first city to pass a bill to move itself one latitudinal degree north of its current location. The legislation was passed during the first day of mayor Gary Hersher’s tenure. Hersher won the mayoral elections in a landside running on the platform of moving the city north. The need for this move became apparent to the Jacobsonvillians when the city’s chief tourist attraction, Madame Icy’s Ice Sculpture Museum, was shut down because of unusually warm temperatures. All of the museum’s outside sculptures were lost during the summer months. “The museum had to be shutdown until temperatures dropped.” said Madame Icy’s curator, Agatha Beach. “It’s the first time we have ever shut down and was hugely disappointing. I am looking forward to the move. I expect our visitor numbers to be as strong as ever. This was a really good idea.” Jacobsonville’s economy has suffered the past year, because of the museum’s closure. The city lost an estimated $1 million dollars in tourists spending. “The move is a logistical nightmare, but I believe we are prepared. We have an excellent plan in place.” Mayor Hersher commented during a press conference. “The city will be moved in sections, and the move should take just 4 to 5 days.” The best professional movers have been hired from Alberta province, and the Canadian Football league players have volunteered to help. “This will be a good time, good break from working out. Coach said the best workout I could give you guys was to move a city.” Calvin Watson, Star linebacker of the Calgary Stampeders, said after a Monday practice. If this move proves to be successful, it could be just the first of many city wide moves in the fight to combat global warming
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