Fake News

Animal Activist Killed in Rescue Attempt
Walter Tallas was pronounced dead from severe blood loss when he arrived at Dorothea Dix Hospital yesterday afternoon. Jeremy Kemp, Tallas’ friend, claims the pair had been given the mission of capturing a 200 pound cougar. The two were to then take the animal to Yellowstone National Park, a 130 mile drive, to release it back into the wild. However, when the Tallas opened the animal’s cage and untied the chains binding it, the animal mauled him. Kemp, armed with a stun gun, shocked the animal in order to save his friend. The animal ran away and Kemp then called 911 on his cell phone. An ambulance was sent to aid Tallas, and police were dispatched to tranquilize the big cat.
Police were able to capture the animal in a furniture shop downtown after two hours of searching and many frantic calls reporting sightings. Fortunately, the cougar did not attack anyone else as it made its way into down town, but it did frighten and shock people as it was wondering the streets. The cat also did thousands of dollars worth of damage in the furniture shop. “I couldn’t believe it.” Said Michael Thatcher, an employee of Furniture Galaxy. “It was such a slow day too. The cougar was only the fourth customer of the day. Actually, I had no idea what to do when it walked in. I took a picture of it on my phone; then I ran into the bathroom, locked the door, and called everyone I knew.”
Kemp claims this mission was given to them by Kathy Blake, the head of AAU (Animal Activist United) an organization that actively works to free animals in abusive situations. The AAU is a private organization, which receives no state for federal support. “This type of action needs to end with the death of Mr. Tallas.” Mayor Calvin Jordan said about the AAU. “If these people want to help, they should contact proper authorities to take measures against animal cruelty.” Charges have been filed against Ms. Blake for involuntary manslaughter and Mr. Kemp for trespassing on private property, attempted robbery, and cruelty to animals for stunning the cougar. The AAU is also under investigation for stealing animals from a farm.


Man Sues, Dessert Didn’t Live up to Expectations
Littletown, Mississippi- Harold Victor filed suit yesterday against Big Betty’s Bakery yesterday, claiming one of the bakery’s items was falsely advertised. Victor says he heard a radio commercial introducing Big Betty’s death by chocolate triple fudge cake.
The story begins when Victor was fired from his job only to come home to find a note from his wife stating that she had left him for his best friend, had taken their two children, and had emptied their bank accounts. He then turned on is TV only to have the electricity in his house fail, due to his wife never paying the bill. Victor says he then drove to a bar to watch the New Orleans Saints play the Baltimore Ravens on Monday Night Football. An avid Saints fan, Victor said, “I wouldn’t miss a game for nothin(g), but that night was somethin(g).” On the way to the bar Victor’s car broke down. Overwhelmed by the day he was having Victor sat in his now broken car listening to the radio and contemplating his life. “That’s when I heard the commercial. I thought it might be a sign or somethin(g)” he then walked the three and a half miles to Big Betty’s to find it closed. “I was so mad. I could have torn up a hen house like it was nothin(g).”
That night, Victor tried many times to end his life including suffocating himself in his electric oven. “I was thinkin(g) of every which way to kill myself but it was so hard. I couldn’t see nothin(g) in my house and my stove broke, too.” The next morning he walked back to the bakery and ordered their newest menu item, the death by chocolate triple fudge cake. “When I first bit into it thought to myself, this is the tastiest way to commit suicide, and I told the waitress (Betty) I would have gotten another if the first wasn’t go(ing) to killed me.” She then informed Victor that the cake was not going to kill him. “I was so mad I could have turned a cotton field into a pig sty.”
Spending the last of his money on the cake, Victor called his father to ask for money. “When Harry told me the story I just thought, he should get a lawyer, because that woman had been mean to him. That Betty had it comin(g) to her.” Ernest Victor, Harold father said.
Big Betty’s has yet to publicly comment on the situation, but has reported an increase in death by chocolate triple fudge cake sales.

Space the next Frontier, or Place for a Hotel

please read first
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070810/ts_nm/space_hotel_dc;_ylt=AhZ3hkk91MLtCA2TovPw.OsDW7oF

So I have a couple of questions…..
First of all, who the hell wants to pay four million dollars, to “use Velcro suits to crawl around their pod rooms by sticking themselves to the walls like Spiderman.”? You can do that for about one hundred bucks if you rent one of those giant, Velcro, carny blow-up things. Secondly, they haven’t figured out the bathroom situation. How do they not know what to do? I’m pretty sure astronauts have bowel movements from time to time. I’m guessing NASA and or the Russians know a thing or two about letting out a couple of space nuggets. Why aren’t these people asking them about space toilets? (Fun fact: Russian Yuri Gagarin celebrated as the first human in space and the first to orbit the Earth is also believed to hold the prestigious honor of being the first human to poop in space. These actions seem to go hand in hand.)
Anotherly, they have calculated that just 40,000 people are rich enough to go on this space vacation. Is this bothering anyone else? 40,000 people have so much money that they can merely spend four million dollars on a three day vacation, staying at a place with Velcro walls and horrible pluming none the less. To help you better understanding of how much 4 million dollars is, if you were to ever guess four million dollars to win a vacation on The Price is Right you would be over………by a lot. And to help you understand just how short three days is, to a person born in a leap year that is 116 years old, three days is merely .00000708% of the days they have lived.
This line is probably the most frightening of all, “Galactic Suite said the price included not only three nights in space. Guests also get eight weeks of intensive training at a James Bond-style space camp on a tropical island.” First, after the phrase “not only a three night’s stay, they also get” one would assume, and hope, that the next words are a free continental breakfast, or fifty dollars of space money to spend at the spa, which has floating drops of water that function as showers. But if you sign up for this trip you have to work, apparently secret agent style. Just in case one of these rich people also happens to be an evil genius. This just sounds like a bond film, Space Hotel Royale. Though rich people in space provides us with what could be the best reality TV show in history. The Surreal Life in Space, Survivor: The Asteroid Belt, The Simple Life: Astronauts. I hope Paris is one of those 40,000. Oh wouldn’t we all love to see that. Now that would be news. Screw Lance Bass in space I want Paris in orbit. Can you just see all the paparazzi with their telescopes? Oh it would be spectacular, no more Paris. No, she wouldn’t do it; she would be going to a rival hotel.
The next line is my favorite. "There is fear associated with going into space," said Claramunt. "That's why the shuttle rocket will remain fixed to the space hotel for the duration of the guests' stay, so they know they can get home again." Are you kidding? Just having the shuttle attached to the freaking space hotel is supposed to make everyone feel better. This is what first comes to mind when I am tearing myself from the walls of the space hotel, “We could lose our oxygen supply at any moment, there is a large possibility and evil genius is on board, this hotel floating in space most likely wasn’t built properly since the people in charge didn’t know how to install a bathroom nor had sense enough to ask NASA for help, and on top of all of that the only experience I have closely resembling what to do in space is a two month training course on a tropical island. Oh why didn’t I just stay on the tropical island? Hell, I could have just stayed on one of MY islands. Oh god, where did the shuttle pilot go?”
And it is nice to see that the director of the hotel loves Earth so much that he is taking the right steps when it comes to pollution from the rocket being sent back and forth every three days…..wait, never mind “Galaxy Suite have no plans so far to offset the pollution implications of sending a rocket to carry just six guests at a time into space.” "I'm hopeful that the impact of seeing the earth from a distance will stimulate the guests' urge to value and protect our planet." Says Claramunt. I'm just going to assume Al Gore isn't invited to the hotel. Seriously what is the guy going to say to his guests? “Hey, everyone look at how beautiful our planet is. Would have been nice to see it last longer, since the rocket did just completely destroy the O-zone. But hey, we can crap in space!”

The Biggest Mystery of the Century

With all of the recent legal troubles with celebrities, prison has blossomed into the place where anybody who is anybody goes. But the fact remains, its still prison. So I question, why is the slammer so appealing? The celebs seem to be keeping tight lips on the matter. I had to do some research on my own. It seemed that actually committing a crime, going to trial, getting convicted, appealing, going to a second trial, and getting convicted yet again would take longer than searching the internet. So like a med student seeking the answers to difficult questions, I set out, exploring the internet for hours until I found it. I have achieved my goal; and the answer, well it is nothing I can have you read about. So, my friends I will show you why prison is so freaking awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M3o