Fake News

Animal Activist Killed in Rescue Attempt
Walter Tallas was pronounced dead from severe blood loss when he arrived at Dorothea Dix Hospital yesterday afternoon. Jeremy Kemp, Tallas’ friend, claims the pair had been given the mission of capturing a 200 pound cougar. The two were to then take the animal to Yellowstone National Park, a 130 mile drive, to release it back into the wild. However, when the Tallas opened the animal’s cage and untied the chains binding it, the animal mauled him. Kemp, armed with a stun gun, shocked the animal in order to save his friend. The animal ran away and Kemp then called 911 on his cell phone. An ambulance was sent to aid Tallas, and police were dispatched to tranquilize the big cat.
Police were able to capture the animal in a furniture shop downtown after two hours of searching and many frantic calls reporting sightings. Fortunately, the cougar did not attack anyone else as it made its way into down town, but it did frighten and shock people as it was wondering the streets. The cat also did thousands of dollars worth of damage in the furniture shop. “I couldn’t believe it.” Said Michael Thatcher, an employee of Furniture Galaxy. “It was such a slow day too. The cougar was only the fourth customer of the day. Actually, I had no idea what to do when it walked in. I took a picture of it on my phone; then I ran into the bathroom, locked the door, and called everyone I knew.”
Kemp claims this mission was given to them by Kathy Blake, the head of AAU (Animal Activist United) an organization that actively works to free animals in abusive situations. The AAU is a private organization, which receives no state for federal support. “This type of action needs to end with the death of Mr. Tallas.” Mayor Calvin Jordan said about the AAU. “If these people want to help, they should contact proper authorities to take measures against animal cruelty.” Charges have been filed against Ms. Blake for involuntary manslaughter and Mr. Kemp for trespassing on private property, attempted robbery, and cruelty to animals for stunning the cougar. The AAU is also under investigation for stealing animals from a farm.


Man Sues, Dessert Didn’t Live up to Expectations
Littletown, Mississippi- Harold Victor filed suit yesterday against Big Betty’s Bakery yesterday, claiming one of the bakery’s items was falsely advertised. Victor says he heard a radio commercial introducing Big Betty’s death by chocolate triple fudge cake.
The story begins when Victor was fired from his job only to come home to find a note from his wife stating that she had left him for his best friend, had taken their two children, and had emptied their bank accounts. He then turned on is TV only to have the electricity in his house fail, due to his wife never paying the bill. Victor says he then drove to a bar to watch the New Orleans Saints play the Baltimore Ravens on Monday Night Football. An avid Saints fan, Victor said, “I wouldn’t miss a game for nothin(g), but that night was somethin(g).” On the way to the bar Victor’s car broke down. Overwhelmed by the day he was having Victor sat in his now broken car listening to the radio and contemplating his life. “That’s when I heard the commercial. I thought it might be a sign or somethin(g)” he then walked the three and a half miles to Big Betty’s to find it closed. “I was so mad. I could have torn up a hen house like it was nothin(g).”
That night, Victor tried many times to end his life including suffocating himself in his electric oven. “I was thinkin(g) of every which way to kill myself but it was so hard. I couldn’t see nothin(g) in my house and my stove broke, too.” The next morning he walked back to the bakery and ordered their newest menu item, the death by chocolate triple fudge cake. “When I first bit into it thought to myself, this is the tastiest way to commit suicide, and I told the waitress (Betty) I would have gotten another if the first wasn’t go(ing) to killed me.” She then informed Victor that the cake was not going to kill him. “I was so mad I could have turned a cotton field into a pig sty.”
Spending the last of his money on the cake, Victor called his father to ask for money. “When Harry told me the story I just thought, he should get a lawyer, because that woman had been mean to him. That Betty had it comin(g) to her.” Ernest Victor, Harold father said.
Big Betty’s has yet to publicly comment on the situation, but has reported an increase in death by chocolate triple fudge cake sales.