Fake News: Sports page

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Announcer Found Juicing
WOD News, St. Louis- Chip Kern, beloved announcer for the St. Louis Cardinals, tested positive for PED (performance enhancing drugs) in 2005. The 56 year old Kern has been the play by play analyst on Sunday afternoon games for KSDK channel 5 in St. Louis since 2003. Kern previously had stints announcing for minor league affiliates in both the Cleveland Indians and San Francisco Giant organizations.
“This is just shocking news. I cannot believe it. I never suspected him,” said Mike Shanedist, long time Cardinal radio play by play man, “I knew he had just been doing gigs in the minors before this. I just thought he hadn’t been fully discovered and given any chances. It was like the came out of nowhere though, really turned his career around.”
Shanedist stated that he himself never did nor ever would do any PEDs to further his career. “It just hurts your voice in the long run. Sure you’re able to get louder and attain wider range, but that stuff just tears your larynx to shreds and your Adam’s apple shrinks.”
The news of Kern is linked to what has become known as “the list,” which has the names of 50 announcers across baseball that tested positive for PEDs in 2005. The list was supposed to remain anonymous, but names have slowly leaked from it, including legendary announcers Barry Blum and Mark McGruff.
Fans have reacted jadedly to the news of Kern. “At this point it would be surprising if any of them weren’t on the stuff,” said long time Cardinal fan James Plausivic. “They really need to just come out with all the names so this can be over. It really is just tiring at this point. We just need to move on.”
It also appears that many of the fans think the announcers found using PEDs will end up in the Hall of Fame, despite many of the baseball writers’ sentiments. “They all did it, so the best of them might as well be in the hall. Everything changed, recordings were made, so why not let them in? I enjoyed them. I think they brought a lot of people back to baseball after the strike. They made it fun,” Plausivic said.
The commissioner’s office has yet to rule on Kern’s case, but a suspension is not warranted since Kern tested before the current drug policy was in place. Kern could also seek legal action against those who leaked his name since the test results were supposed to be kept secret. Kern is set to hold a press conference Wednesday afternoon.