My Thoughts: More Excerpts

I like cops, but few people do. I think this is because they are the tattletale little siblings of the country. “I caught you. You snuck in after curfew. I am going to tell mom and dad.” Mom and dad are of course the judges. “I sentence you to a grounding.” However, you can get off, or at least have you punishment lessened, with the help of lawyers. Lawyers are the big brothers and sisters who know the rules of the house and depending on how much you are paying, can be a valuable asset. “Now hold on a second, you can’t just punish him without hearing his story. He knows that curfew is at 11:30. That is why he left at 11:00, but he had to take some friends home and it took longer then expected. Plus I do believe he tried to call, but his phone was dead. (Turning to the client) You are so cleaning my room after this.”

People say I am negative person. They say “If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.” I reply “I would, but the lemons never come with sugar and a cup. I just get lemon juice.”

There is too much thank-you-ing going on these days. If someone gives you a gift, you have to thank them when you receive it, again when you open it, then you have to send a thank you card, mention the thank you card at the next meeting, “Oh did you get my card?”, get thanked for the card, and finally reply “No, no, really, thank you.” People do not even care about the gift anymore, its all about the meaning behind it. So, people have to show the meaning behind their forlorn faces when they receive the crappy gift with a million thank you’s. This country has courtesy issues, or is there a courtesy competition going on that I don’t know about? Sending thank you cards just wastes the thanked person’s time. They open the card, read it, and throw it away. Who do you know that keeps thank you cards? The next time you give someone a thank you card and they say “you really didn’t have to do this,” believe them. They mean it. What is a thank you card anyway? Legal documentation that you thanked this person? Can someone take you to court for not thanking them?
Plaintiff: Well your honor, I gave him a fruit basket and he never thanked me.
Judge: Is this true?
Defendant: No, it is not. I recall thanking him when he gave it to me. I said ‘Wow thanks. This will come in handy – I just bought a smoothie maker.’ I then thanked him again as we parted.
Judge: Did you send him a thank you card?
Defendant: No, I did not. I felt that two thank you’s were enough.
Judge: Two thank you’s for a fruit basket are, unfortunately for you, not enough. There is no documentation that the thank you’s ever took place. I rule in favor of the plaintiff. The defendant must serve one year at courtesy school, pay $3.97 to cover the expense for a thank you card, and, (turns to defendant) would you please make everyone in the court a smoothie?

My Thoughts: Random Excerpts

I’ve been watching a lot of T.V. lately. And I have come to the conclusion that the theory if you give enough monkeys typewriters they are bound to spit out something has never been truer.

There are two types of skinny girls, the ones that say “I eat whatever I want.” and the others that say “I am a healthy eater.” To me this just verifies the bulimic from the anorexic.

I am always being told I am a procrastinator. But truthfully every one is a procrastinator. We all HAVE TO die, but you never see that on any ones to-do-list. “Well Mike, I think I’ll get a head of the game and kill myself on Friday” “Wow, good for you Joe. Good for you.” Who says that? Nobody

I define a man of character by someone who doesn’t cheat at solitaire. Sadly, I am not a man of character.

I am a procrastinator that lives in the moment. I don’t get a lot fini. I like apples.

Fool me once “shame on me”. Fool me twice “shame on you”. Fool me three times “Fuck you the joke is getting old”.

I respect people that are the first to do something. They are the select few that are actually original. I want to know who the first person to make up a language was. Better yet, I want to know what word was invented first. It was probably a derogatory word. There really isn’t a need for communication if everybody is happy.
I really want to know who the first person to get their tongue stuck to a frozen pole was. I wonder about the thought process. “WOW! It is cold out here. Look at that metal street-lamp post, it looks frozen. I wonder how cold it is, but it is to cold to take off my mittens. I know. I’ll lick it. This thing is freezing, and it taste a little funky. (they try to pull their tongue off) what the? OH SHIT.”

“Are YOU bossing US around?”
“No, I am simply telling you what to do. If I were bossing you around I would have to pay you.”

My printer writes in cursive

A record player is not someone who plays records. Someone who plays records is called disk jockeys, but they don’t ride around a track on disks.

Fire ants neither start nor put out fires. They’re disappointing.

Divorce is seen as such a negative thing. I think it is because there is no ceremony.
“Do you Fred Allen refuse Kate Leonard-Allen to lack and deny at all times for poorer in joy for better to continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest hatred, forsaking her, keeping yourself away from her as long as you both shall live?”
“I do.”
Sniff, Sniff “I always cry at divorces.”

I went on a job interview the other day. When I met the interviewer I shook his hand, and he said “take a seat.” So I picked up the nearest chair to me and walked out. After struggling to fit the chair into my car I went back to the office, and the interviewer said that I was “over qualified.”

Super heroes always have one flaw. Most of the time it is a minor hard to know about flaw, but the more supper the super hero is the more damage the flaw does. With Superman it is kryptonite, the Green Lantern can have his ring stolen or lost, and Batman’s passion for Robin sometimes gets in the way. I want to see a supper hero with a real flaw, a major flaw. A flaw that just by overcoming, he is super. Like OCD Man, the super hero that has to clean his house eight times before fighting crime, or Stereotype Boy who always just assumes who the criminal and the victim are, or Captain Pacifist, who really wants to fight crime, but due to his strong principles just can’t. “Stop or I’ll, watch you flee!”

Fake News

Community Swindled of Thousands
Irwin Jenks was put into custody last Tuesday after he was caught by county police on an Amtrak train headed for Illinois. Jenks has been accused of fraud by Garyville, Iowa, City Hall. Jenks, 32, allegedly conned many residents of money by convincing them they were in need of a theatrical production. Jenks started the Garyville Goers, a supposed theater group, and collected cash for the groups’ members to put on a production of the musical The Music Man. Jenks had collected nearly $10,000 when he withdrew the money from a local bank, and attempted to leave the town. “He seemed like such a nice man. I just can’t believe he would do such a thing,” said Martha Paxton, a member of the Garyville Goers. “and the worst part of it all is that the kids never got to put on a show.” Claims from other communities are now surfacing against Jenks. Both Naperville, Wyoming and Lancaster, Nebraska have pressed charges against Jenks for committing similar acts. A court date has been set in Garyville for the end of the month. If he is found guilty, Jenks may face a jail sentence of up to 15 years in prison.

Fire Drill Causes Fatalities
Tragedy struck last Wednesday at Jennings High South, when two students and one teacher died. An actual fire broke out in the third floor entrance during a routine fire drill. The fire was started by a short circuit in the fire alarm door system. There were two classes in session on the third floor at the time of the alarm. Both classes exited the building and stood in there appropriate area during fire alarms. However, due to the fire, the classes were ordered to move to a different spot so a fire truck to park in a spot that would allow for easier access to the ensuing fire. This move proved fatal though as a second fire truck rushing to the scene ran over two students and a teacher. “This is a tragic day for all.” Fire Chief Randal Youngst said at a press conference, “This fire drill has certainly taught us a lesson to slow down while in route to a fire. It will certainly still be going by the time we get there; there’s no need to rush things.”

Art Museum Officially Open
Early Monday morning, a ribbon ceremony was held in front of the new art museum in down town to make it opening official. “I am cutting this ribbon in hopes of more people gaining knowledge and appreciation of art.” Mayor Wesley said before cutting the ribbon. “This museum should draw more people into the art world, and I am glad to be involved in this historic occasion.”
The new museum located on 333 Pine Ave. is not like any other art museum. It is the dream of Michael Terrossi. Terrossi, a contemporary artist and art historian, proposed his plans for the museum eleven years ago to City Hall. The project was approved, but without proper funding the museum’s construction was put on hold. City Hall was quick to accept the proposed plan for the museum, because of the sales pitch of Terrossi. His plan was to build a museum that housed recreated works of classical and contemporary art. But the works would have a twist. In order to entice visitors to the museum a picture of Waldo from the “Where’s Waldo” book series was to be painted into every piece.
Two years ago construction started on the building after City Hall notified Terrossi of the accepted plans and adequate funding. “It took eleven years, countless hours of work, and the charity of many wonderful supporters to accomplish this goal of mine.” Terrossi said in a speech at the ribbon ceremony. “I hope this art display attracts people to the art world. This museum will get them to stop and completely analyze these wonderful works. I feel folks will stop asking themselves “where’s that Waldo fellow?” when looking at a Monet or Van Gough or Picasso, and start asking “How does this blurry lily pad have meaning?” I am happy and excited for the future of art.” The museum is free to everyone, but does accept donations.

Sports Section

Marlins’ Announcer Resigns
Yesterday, Florida Marlins’ owner, Harold Carter Jr., held a press conference to announce the resignation of the team’s commentator, Rodger Milan. Milan has been an MLB announcer for twelve years. He began his career announcing the Tampa Bay Devil Rays’ games on the radio, and then switched to the Marlins’ telecasts last year after legendary commentator Gene Cosby retired. Milan fell under scrutiny for the comments he made on the Tuesday telecast of Marlins/Braves game. “I am deeply sorry for the comments I made and personally apologize to all that were offended.” Milan said at the conference.
Many were outraged Milan’s statements about the actions of Braves pitcher, Leo Shaffer. Milan referred to the Native American act of scalping, when Shaffer through the ball at the head of a Marlins’ player. “The comments made were very degrading and disrespectful to my people, and I am happy to see Mr. Milan taking responsibility for his words. As a representative of Native Americans I accept Mr. Milan’s apology. He seemed very sincere in his apology and has undoubtedly learned a lesson.” Said Jacob “Talking Rabbit” Higgins, a member of the Comanche Tribe who serves as a spokesman for Native Americans of America.
Carter Jr. also announced that former Marlin, Mike Geary, will serve as an interim commentator until Carter Jr. finds a permanent replacement for Milan. Geary’s first game will be this Friday when the Marlins travel to Cleveland for their first inter-league match-up to take on the Indians.

poetry

Recently, I have been dabbling in some poetry. Sorry. It isn't really that funny, but some of them are kind of fun. Tell me what you think.

(this one I wrote for a class. it is modeled after the Langston Hughes poem, The Negro Speaks of Rivers)

The Man Talks of Skies

I’ve seen skies.
I have seen every shade of the color spectrum presented by the skies.

My eyes shine brightly as the stars twinkle.

I’ve seen skies filled with stars newly
born with human potential.
I dwelt in caves with blues skies
loaming over head.
I hunted in the jungles with an orange sky
silhouetting my prey.
I planted crops with a yellow sky
lighting my fields.
I erected wonders that my predecessors
will visit under cloudy skies.
I explored the seas to find lands
inhabited with peoples living under grey skies.
I built metal towers that
rise into a blurry night sky.
I concocted substances that cure sickly people in shelters
protecting them from the green sky.
I raced to go beyond the sky,
finding an ever present night.

I have seen skies.
I have seen skies of every color.

My eyes shine brightly as the stars twinkle.

His Name Apparent

He came with nothing but a future,
that one who’s so tiny and still.
He tied his parents together like a suture,
that one who’s so tiny and still.
He is a round, cubby, little ball,
that one who’s so tiny and still.
He has an audience in a line waiting down the entire hall,
that one who’s so tiny and still.
He is indeed pleasing to look at,
that one who’s so tiny and still.
He couldn’t possibly grow to be a brat,
that one who’s so tiny and still.
He is peacefully sleeping,
that one who’s so tiny and still.
He has left everyone weeping,
that one who’s so tiny and still


Stuck

Marvin Middleton was a mundane man.
His days were always the same.
He would wake at eight to fixed breakfast and hastily devour it.
He would then take a cold showered, and leave for work.
He would arrive, everyday, promptly at nine.
He would sit at his desk and methodically fill-out and file necessary papers.
He would take a break for lunch to eat a peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich.
He would return to his desk to continue his tasks.
He would clock out at precisely at five and head home.
He would bring in the daily newspaper and read it until seven.
He would then make his dinner and eat it while watching TV.
He would turn off the TV after the eleven o’clock news and saunter into bed.
Marvin Middleton has lived the way for seven whole years.
His schedule never faltered.
His weekends were even the same.
Marvin Middleton was a mundane man,

Lucy Lenard lived like a lion.
She
roamed
about
carefree, happy, in control.
She was an artist.
She woke up

naturally
she never set her alarm.


Lucy Lenard lived luxuriously.

She was rich.
She was a great artist.
She was
Paid
a lofty sum
OVER a

Million dollars
For a painting depicting a mouse chasing a cat

Lucy Lenard Loved Look at people.
She traveled
to
Public
Places
to
sketch drawings
of these Populated scenes
in hopes of capturing an extraordinary
Moment
.

On one particular occasion, Lucy Lenard took a trip to the mall
She left
her house at five twelve in the evening
Shewasstuckintraffic.
She
noticed
a man in a
square car
next to her.

Marvin Middleton found himself staring at a woman in the car next to his.
He was staring at her frizzy hair and bright yellow headband.
He was listening to classical music.

Lucy Lenard rolled
down her window
and
the man then rolled his down.

Lucy Lenard
SPOKE
To
Marvin Middleton.

And
SHE
has not been the same since.



Star Gazing Through a Telescope (i wrote this for a class too)

You can only see
into a tiny circle of clarity.
You stare into deep space,
looking at just a fraction of the universe’s face
Only when you retract your eye,
you see the entire sky.
You look at one spot,
just a dot,
of the entire lot.
What does this focus cost?
Have you lost?
Are your perceptions covered in frost?
Distorted?
Askew?
Contorted?
Untrue?
Who Knows?
The coordinates are yours to choose,
They might even give you clues.
You might just learn how the universe works.
You may uncover some of its subtle quirks


Poker

Poker is a game of luck.
If you have any, you can make a buck.
Beware of this game.
Its addiction can put you to shame
Anyone can play poker
The serious or the joker
The best know when to bluff
Reading them is often though.
Bluffing is a high risk maneuver
That can leave you designated as the looser.
Bluff during the game
No one will blame.
Bluff after the game retire
You are just a liar.
The losers often grumble
About how often their cards did jumble.
For only if you have won,
This game seems a lot of fun.


Thunderstorm

There is drought.
The weatherman predicts a storm.
It hits like a heavyweight champion.
Hurry,
run for shelter.
Lightening strikes,
Children cry.
Don’t be afraid,
It will be alright.
Look,
there is a rainbow.
Now, new crops will grow.