My Thoughts: Random Excerpts

I’ve been watching a lot of T.V. lately. And I have come to the conclusion that the theory if you give enough monkeys typewriters they are bound to spit out something has never been truer.

There are two types of skinny girls, the ones that say “I eat whatever I want.” and the others that say “I am a healthy eater.” To me this just verifies the bulimic from the anorexic.

I am always being told I am a procrastinator. But truthfully every one is a procrastinator. We all HAVE TO die, but you never see that on any ones to-do-list. “Well Mike, I think I’ll get a head of the game and kill myself on Friday” “Wow, good for you Joe. Good for you.” Who says that? Nobody

I define a man of character by someone who doesn’t cheat at solitaire. Sadly, I am not a man of character.

I am a procrastinator that lives in the moment. I don’t get a lot fini. I like apples.

Fool me once “shame on me”. Fool me twice “shame on you”. Fool me three times “Fuck you the joke is getting old”.

I respect people that are the first to do something. They are the select few that are actually original. I want to know who the first person to make up a language was. Better yet, I want to know what word was invented first. It was probably a derogatory word. There really isn’t a need for communication if everybody is happy.
I really want to know who the first person to get their tongue stuck to a frozen pole was. I wonder about the thought process. “WOW! It is cold out here. Look at that metal street-lamp post, it looks frozen. I wonder how cold it is, but it is to cold to take off my mittens. I know. I’ll lick it. This thing is freezing, and it taste a little funky. (they try to pull their tongue off) what the? OH SHIT.”

“Are YOU bossing US around?”
“No, I am simply telling you what to do. If I were bossing you around I would have to pay you.”

My printer writes in cursive

A record player is not someone who plays records. Someone who plays records is called disk jockeys, but they don’t ride around a track on disks.

Fire ants neither start nor put out fires. They’re disappointing.

Divorce is seen as such a negative thing. I think it is because there is no ceremony.
“Do you Fred Allen refuse Kate Leonard-Allen to lack and deny at all times for poorer in joy for better to continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest hatred, forsaking her, keeping yourself away from her as long as you both shall live?”
“I do.”
Sniff, Sniff “I always cry at divorces.”

I went on a job interview the other day. When I met the interviewer I shook his hand, and he said “take a seat.” So I picked up the nearest chair to me and walked out. After struggling to fit the chair into my car I went back to the office, and the interviewer said that I was “over qualified.”

Super heroes always have one flaw. Most of the time it is a minor hard to know about flaw, but the more supper the super hero is the more damage the flaw does. With Superman it is kryptonite, the Green Lantern can have his ring stolen or lost, and Batman’s passion for Robin sometimes gets in the way. I want to see a supper hero with a real flaw, a major flaw. A flaw that just by overcoming, he is super. Like OCD Man, the super hero that has to clean his house eight times before fighting crime, or Stereotype Boy who always just assumes who the criminal and the victim are, or Captain Pacifist, who really wants to fight crime, but due to his strong principles just can’t. “Stop or I’ll, watch you flee!”