New Pres!

Normally I do not do political stuff, but as you will soon find out 1) this election held a deeper under current 2) this really isn't political stuff.

Just to break the news..........O'Bama won the election. and yes that's right "O" apostrophe "bama." He is black Irish. No matter if you were for O'bama or MCCain (seriously what's with all the Irish dudes?) we can all take something away from this election. The restoration of a greater power. Yes, that's right the power of the all mighty Oprah. True Miss Winfrey has not really received much attention lately, and in fact her approval rated has plummeted to a meager 96.8% in the gallop polls. But it was all for her cause of her finally deciding to put a black man in the white house. She had to let Barack soar, using his winged-like ears, across America to spread his message of hope and change. (side note as an avid coin collector, i am certainly looking forward to all this change he is promising.......(I am hoping the Republicans are grasping the deeper economic meaning of that lame joke)) Yes I am fearful that much like how the pope controlled Kennedy, the Oprah will be controlling O'Bama. I am foreseeing O'Bama's reign to be full of book clubs, handy new favorite gadgets, and loads of free things like, "everbody! EVERYBODY, check under your seats......HEALTH INSURANCE!!!!!!! WHOOP!WHOOP! HEALTH INSURANCE! HEALTH INSURANCE!!!!" I am also imagining a new healthier America that eats very well and starts to exercise more, however, I am also thinking around year one and a half we will all abandon these efforts and balloon back up to being the fattest country again, only to loose it all again around year 3. Yes, education is going to get better and our foreign policy with be even more generous with our money lending efforts. Let's just hope number 44 doesn't get thrown out of an elegant French fashion store while on a visit. Speaking of Barack being number 44, just want to point out that baseball is way ahead of the game yet again. Jackie Robinson, totally number 42. By these standards, the future holds some roided up pres-es who will be setting unprecedented records. Arnold 2016? Govinator to Presinator. (of course we will have passed a law saying that foreigners can actually get the presidency). Well congrats to those who voted for O'Bama. For those who voted for McCain, look on the bright side, not only will the economy go up as John will return home and be coerced into pyramid schemes and crazy products by swindlers taking advantage of the elderly, but Russia will remain at bay with Palin with one eye on them (the other is on a bear, because it certainly is not on her pregnant, teenage daughter (side note: anyone else find it ironic that Juno is not only the capital of Alaska but a movie about teen pregnancy?))

fake news

Dirty Jobs Set to Release Unaired Segment
Discovery Channel’s Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe has been grossing out, appalling, and entertaining television audiences since 2005. During its three year run, we have seen the show’s host learn the arts of everything from a livestock inseminator to a roadkill taxidermist, leaving us complaining about our jobs and career paths just a little bit less. Dirty Jobs has become one of Discovery Channel’s highest rated shows and is now set to release a “best of” DVD on Thursday. However, controversy has erupted over the DVD as it includes never before seen episode, Clydesdales, Gators, and FEMA, in which the shows charismatic host, Mike Rowe, acquires a job at FEMA working as an organizer for Hurricane Katrina relief. Discovery Channel, however, banned the segment from airing on its November 4, 2005 release, claiming this job was just too controversial and emotional so soon after the catastrophe. Discovery did allow the show to air the other segments of the show, in which Mike works as a care taker at Anheuser Busch St. Louis Clydesdales Stables and as a “tagger” of the endangered American Alligator in the Florida Everglades. Rowe said of the episode, “I really should have done those jobs in reverse, because after handling those things a guy really needs a beer.” And as far as his work as a FEMA organizer, “Well most of the jobs I go to, I tend to slow things down, but the way they were going I think I could have put up a fight for employee of the month.” FEMA has released a statement about the segment saying, “This episode will reveal many of the problems and difficulties we had to deal with, and it should shed light on how we did our best in trying to provide relief for the victims of Katrina.” The DVD has also made it into the presidential race as in the latest debate both Senators McCain and Obama referred to the controversial segment and the problems the Bush Administration. Senator Obama brought up the subject saying, “What happened in New Orleans was unacceptable, and I will provide the change this country needs.” Senator McCain later referred to the show saying, “My economic plan will help though individuals that Mike the TV Host works with.” Though Rowe may have not actually gotten physically dirty in this segment, it goes without saying that is was and is the “dirtiest” job he has had to do.

True Stories

These are just somethings that have happened in my life that I get a chuckle out of.

I saw two Amish guys buying lumber from Home Depot

I had to be reminded that I was participating in a walk for Alzheimer’s

I saw an Amish guy coming out of a Walmart carrying a 24 pack of Mountain Dew.

A horse and buggy was parked at a gas station.

The bat that lives in my house flew into a ceiling fan that was on high speed. So much for sonar....

I haven’t held the importance of education quite the same since I met a truck driver with a master’s degree

My Thoughts: Some short takes and questions

What is the difference between seeing someone in their bathing suit and seeing them in their underwear?

Do secret agents really infiltrate buildings via the air conditioning ducts? If they do, how have villains increased their air duct security measures?

Only the good die young. Cats have 9 lives. Think about it.

When people are stuck in traffic they wish they had a flying car. However, if everyone had a flying car there would still be the same amount of traffic. People would then be wishing their car didn’t fly.

It is said that one man can change the world. I ask, where does this man find a diaper that large?

If a garage is a place in which one parks, then saying “parking garage” is redundant.

If I were famous, I would buy a camera and stalk the members of the paparazzi.

I just can’t get help for my fear of going to a psychiatrist.

Going out to dinner with someone isn’t quite the same, when you visualize what they are going to be doing with the food they are eating six to eight hours later. This is why I can not go on dinner dates.

Two posts in two days?

Yeah, I know I am on fire. Two in a row. This is a poem. Hopefully you haven't stopped reading and have skipped to the preceding post which is actually worth reading. Anyway, to get to the point, the poem's concept is tricky. Especially for the writer. Hopefully I did my job. DON'T enjoy.......yet.

Antonym

I write this for another.
I write this for me.
I write this for everyone.
When something is
So is its other.
Isaac said every action has an equal.
This is my action in motion.
It is headed in the wrong direction.
Therefore another is destine for greatness.
I write this for another.
I write this for me.
Now everyone can enjoy some good poetry.

My Golden Calves No More

Hello.
The experiment failed miserably and well sorry. I may finish the rant about Krispy Kream some other time, but for now enjoy this.

I love animal shows. Ever since I was a wee tot I would instantly become entranced and engorged in a television show whenever I saw a person donning an all kaki (including the socks) attire, as if to suggest that they are the parcel service between the African Sahara and my living-room; and they are indeed my only outlet of correspondence from suburbia to the wilds of nature. I love these shows so much that I even watched a show called “Sunrise Earth” for ten minutes until I figured out that no one was narrating the show, and all the show entailed was the sights and sounds of buffalo grazing at dawn. It wasn’t completely my fault. Most of the narrators on these shows will pause to enable the audience to soak in the majesty of Mother Nature for colossal chunks of time before resuming their chronicling duties, which always made me wonder how I could get a job narrating a wildlife show.

The other day I was browsing through the TV guide menu, and I found a show called “Austin Stevens: Snakemaster.” So of course I had to give it a shot. I clicked on the channel and the fist thing I saw was a man swing from an enormous vine, jump off of it into a body of water, return to the surface gasping for air while wrestling a large snake and saying, “this snake has the 3^h worst venom of all snakes in the area and could easily kill me” in his tuff Australian accent. Needless to say, I was won over faster than a fat kid is to the idea of cake for breakfast. The man released the snake and it swam away unharmed and apathetic. This godlike man went on to capture four more ludicrously dangerous serpents using insanely absurd stalking and pouncing techniques like flying head first into the world’s 14th most poisonous snake’s underground layer. As impressive as these acts were, I noticed something about all of the Aussy’s captives. They were complacent, completely lacks with their surrounding like a pothead after inhaling a dime bag. Not to take anything away from these people that I formerly thought of as near idols, my golden calves, but the animals they are snagging from the wild are type-B individuals. They are the laid-back, dreamers of the animal kingdom. I want to see some of these people ensnare a type-A lion after it’s had a quick fix of some antelope meat or a neurotic cobra with ADHD. I think I am taking a break from these shows until the real men show up with a pocket knife, a wrench, and some floss in hopes of trapping a tiger with a meth addiction.

A little something new: part 1

Hello everyone. I am trying something new with this post. I am giving you the first part of a short story/essay thing that I am working. I am doing this for multiple reasons. First, it will actually get me to finish the story as many times in my ADD state I leave stories undone. Second, I think you should all be aware of the truth that this story brings, the fact that Krispy Kream Doughnuts is a creation of the evilest demon or spirit you so likely choose to be tempted by. And lastly, I am doing it because I want to try something new.
Note, this is based off of real events in my life, but not all of it is true as seen through the changing of my friends' names (which serves as a precautionary measure for them and for me as well since, publicly, I may not want to be known as to associate with them.........just kidding guys.........no really I'm not.......no, no, no I am..........serious.........joking) Please also note that this is a working draft so it may change, especially the title.

enjoy.


Gluttony, a Deadly Sin; Krispy Kream, Just Deadly: part 1

The other night, I went over to my friend Kevin’s house to watch a baseball game. The two of us joined by our friend George, sat in Kevin’s basement watching these now none steroid using athletes run, jump, catch, throw, and hit in a much less exciting fashion than in the previous “doping years” of the last couple season. Our stomachs began to growl with an angry ferocity for food. George suggested that we should go grab some chow after a Jack in the Box commercial aired, and I could not have agreed with him more having only eaten one meal the entire day, an early dinner of six Jack in the Box tacos. Like it was lightening I was suddenly struck with a hankering for a doughnut. I hadn’t had one in a while and pushed the suggestion forth with such gusto that I could have made a scientologist take anti-depressants. “Ok yeah doughnuts sound like a good idea, but let’s wait until the game is over,” Kevin said. So the three of us, sat in Kevin’s basement amused that the experts were predicting 1,000 less homeruns were going to be hit than in the previous season, the very same homerun that had “saved baseball” a few years back. Our lips were smacking with glee as the skinny centerfielder made a catch to conclude the game. Since it was around 9 PM and no real bakery would be open that late, we had to go to Krispy Kream Doughnuts to indulge in our lust for fried and glazed batter. Since it was my idea, I volunteered to drive, and as I was speeding around South County St Louis listening to Kevin and George critiquing that fact that I had a Beatles CD blaring only to then have them suddenly and quietly bursting into singing “Revolution.”

“We all want to change the world…….We need to get good music for our road trip.” Kevin proclaimed.

“…that its evolution….. Yes we totally do. I will make some kick-ass CDs.” George shouted over the wind howling from the open windows.

“This trip is going to rule! We need to just buy the ten dollar tickets for the Yankee game incase the other ones don’t come through.....don’t ya know its gonna be…” I said.

I drove past the drive through and pulled into a parking spot. You say you got a real solution…….

“Holy crap, they have ice cream now?!” I said placing an inflection on “now” just out of sheer disbelief at the situation.

“Yeah, I saw the sign coming in.” George said, “So are we going to go to Cooperstown or not?”

“Yes, we are. But we should leave Friday night so we can have more time there and in New York.” Kevin said.

“I can’t believe this, this is just so ridiculous.” I stated still beside myself about the ice cream as I pulled the door open.

“What?”

“They sell ice Kream!”

“oh yeah, its pretty crazy. So what time would we be leaving on Friday?” George asked.

“Around 7,” I said nodding and looking at Kevin who was nodding back confirming on the time. “so what are we getting? I’m pretty hungry. I will eat like 2 or 3, probably 3. Should we just get a box of 6?”

“Well I will probably eat three, too, so we should get more than that.” George said.

“Yeah.” Kevin confirmed, nodding in a gesture that reveled he too wanted about three doughnuts.

“Ok so should we get a dozen of mixed?” I asked.

“I’m gonna need some milk.” George said.

“Yeah me, too” Kevin followed.

“How may I help you?” a man behind a case full of glazed, goldeny goodness asked.

“Oh we are still figuring out what we want.” Kevin said.

The three of us huddled out of the line to discuss the next plan of attack. A middle-aged man then walked up to the counter and placed an order with the slender employee that had first offered his service to us. Then an attractive girl made her way to the counter holding a holder filled with small ice cream cones.

“Anyone want to try our new ice Kream?” She asked.

All of the customers shared in a momentary freeze as if to suggest that one, I was not the only one to think that Krispy Kream Doughnuts new ice cream selling proposition was utterly ridiculous, and two, no one wanted to be the first one to declare their wantonness for obesity and diabetes. As a college student, my freeze was overtaken by the impulse to commandeer anything that is free. So I was the first to take a sample cone, but not the last as everyone in line soon followed suite. George, Kevin and I stood in staring at the glazed fluffy round baked goods, licking our free ice cream, and came to a consensus that we wanted a dozen assorted doughnuts.

“Are you gentlemen ready to order?” another slender employee asked politely as if reading our minds.

“Yes, we would like an assorted dozen, please.” I said with a grin as I finally took the last bit of my sample cone.

“Alright what will you have?”

“I would like two of the chocolate sprinkles and two of the custard filled, and what do you guys want?” I said with the smoothness of a news anchor passing the segment over to the weatherman.

A family then entered the store donning in attire that suggested they either came from a wedding or a funeral. My guess was the later. After all, who would eat doughnuts after a wedding? A funeral is logically a sound choice. Upon seeing these new customers, the attractive girl appeared again to tempt the room with the delicious sample--sized nectar of sweet unholy goodness, which could have been created by no one other than Satan himself.

I'm Back and Wishing I was Richer than Ever

Hello to all who still check this. I am predicting that I will be updating this bad boy a lot more now. So, please visit soon. In the mean time, enjoy this current ongoing list of things I would do if I were super rich. How much dinero are we talking, you ask? Oprah money thats how much.

1) Win advertising space on someone on an Ebay auction, and make the person sport the word DUMBASS on their forehead.
2) Hire a hit man to kill themselves (the perfect crime)
3) Dress up as a homeless person and hand out money to people in the rich section of town.
4) Hire a marching band to follow you were ever you go
5) Go to a bar, push a guy, and say “you wanna go?” when he replies “yeah” counter with “Good, now go home, get packed and meet me back here in 30 minutes. We’re going to Italy!”
6) Buy up all commercial slots for your favorite TV show and play clips of your second favorite show.
7) Buy the rights to Times Square for an hour for your “movie” which is just you taking nap in a hammock.
8) Throw a party with materialistic people who also have lots and lots of money; unveil a one of a kind multi-million dollar yacht and blow it up in front of them.
9) Hire a team of the smartest minds in the world and make them do yard work around your house.
10) Finance the building of the smallest TV in the ever
11) Buy the filming rights to all Ben Afleck and Paris Hilton movies, to have them immediately burned after production.
12) Burry a million dollars some where, tell a group of people the general vicinity of where the cash is, sit back and enjoy the ride.
13) Hire limos and make them pick up people at bus stations.
14) Build a kick ass rollercoaster only short people could ride.
15) Buy an anti-gravity chamber and challenge the world’s strongest men to a weight lifting contest in it.