Keeping with the Paris Hilton theme, this is the Top ten contest on the Late Show with David Letterman website for the week. this is the link http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/contest/index/php/20070519.phtml , join in on parismania and write down your best quip, who knows you may win a free late show t-shirt
my list
Top Ten Cool Things About Sharing a Jail Cell with Paris Hilton
10) Free Hilton Hotel mini bar
9) You will have a lot of alone time since she is always on conjugal visits.
8) Her ability to fit through the bars provides a crucial element to your escape
7) “Lights out” just means a switch to night vision mode
6) She can fill you in on all of the in between details Billy Bush leaves out of her life
5) She invites you to join in on the conjugal visits
4) Your tell all book: Sleeping above Paris
3) She knows how to make a fine wine in a toilet
2) Her optimistic, no complaints attitude
1) Paris’ prison motto: Get busy living
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Happiest Moment of the Year
Perhaps the world is shaping up after all. Why? You ask. Because Paris Hilton is going to jail. Oh it is so happy to say. I really can’t even think about it without slapping a giant grin on my face. The story goes, on February 27, 2007, Ms Hilton was stopped by Los Angeles County Sheriff deputies when they saw her at 11 PM speeding with her headlights off. This had been the second time authorities had stopped her while she was on probation for DUI. After hearing the case, a judge sentenced Hilton to spend 45 days in a Los Angeles County woman’s prison. Paris was under the impression that her probation was over after 30 days, instead of the supposed 90 days in which it was really scheduled to last.
This maybe one of the happiest times in modern day. Seriously, do the terrorist know about this? They have to be somewhat pleased. I know I have an extra spring in my step. It gives me comfort to know they have finally found a way to contain that many venereal diseases. Perhaps the most gratifying realization to come from this ruling is that Paris is officially not a celebrity. Hilton’s attorney, Howard Weitzman, sums it up best saying, “I think she is single out because of who she is.” It is a proven fact that if anyone who is tried in LA county courts that has any talent what so ever will be found not guilty. So obviously Paris is not fitting the bill. "I'm shocked, I'm surprised and really disheartened in the system that I've worked in for close to 40 years," Weitzman said. I’m assuming Mr. Weitzman was under the impression he was representing someone who could easily pay off the legal system. But what he didn’t know is Paris has screwed it too many times, and the rashes and burning sensations are still lingering.
Kathy Hilton, Paris’ mother, was enraged after the ruling. She apparently scoffed after the city prosecutor remarked in his closing argument that the defendant needed jail time. But the fun doesn’t stop there. Kathy reportedly shouted “May I have your autograph?” at the judge after his ruling. I guess Kathy Hilton is a fan of LA county judges. She must have the autographs of all the greats. No, no she can’t be. That would be silly. She was most likely thinking of all the money she would make selling the autograph on Ebay. Quite frankly the autograph of the man who put Paris Hilton behind bars is certainly worth some serious scratch. Kathy’s real opinion for her daughter’s judge became clear after she proclaimed of the decision, “This is pathetic and disgusting, a waste of taxpayer money with all this nonsense. This is a joke." Yes, Kathy a waste of other peoples money. Indeed, you should be the one responsible for locking your daughter up. But honestly does Kathy Hilton really care about other people spending money? She clearly doesn’t care about hotel prices, now does she? Is there anyway we can just lockup the entire family? Maybe put them and the Jacksons on a remote island somewhere……..
The only misfortune to come of this situation is the imminent book deal. I can just see her now on “Good Morning America” promoting, Paris’ Prison Stay: 101 Things Billy Bush Couldn’t Tell You, or What’s Not Hot about the Showers, or My Bitch: Tinkerbelle’s Tale of Torment without Me. All I’m saying is Paris has yet another TV show set to air and this is the perfect advertisement. It really is about the only trick she has yet to use on us.
This maybe one of the happiest times in modern day. Seriously, do the terrorist know about this? They have to be somewhat pleased. I know I have an extra spring in my step. It gives me comfort to know they have finally found a way to contain that many venereal diseases. Perhaps the most gratifying realization to come from this ruling is that Paris is officially not a celebrity. Hilton’s attorney, Howard Weitzman, sums it up best saying, “I think she is single out because of who she is.” It is a proven fact that if anyone who is tried in LA county courts that has any talent what so ever will be found not guilty. So obviously Paris is not fitting the bill. "I'm shocked, I'm surprised and really disheartened in the system that I've worked in for close to 40 years," Weitzman said. I’m assuming Mr. Weitzman was under the impression he was representing someone who could easily pay off the legal system. But what he didn’t know is Paris has screwed it too many times, and the rashes and burning sensations are still lingering.
Kathy Hilton, Paris’ mother, was enraged after the ruling. She apparently scoffed after the city prosecutor remarked in his closing argument that the defendant needed jail time. But the fun doesn’t stop there. Kathy reportedly shouted “May I have your autograph?” at the judge after his ruling. I guess Kathy Hilton is a fan of LA county judges. She must have the autographs of all the greats. No, no she can’t be. That would be silly. She was most likely thinking of all the money she would make selling the autograph on Ebay. Quite frankly the autograph of the man who put Paris Hilton behind bars is certainly worth some serious scratch. Kathy’s real opinion for her daughter’s judge became clear after she proclaimed of the decision, “This is pathetic and disgusting, a waste of taxpayer money with all this nonsense. This is a joke." Yes, Kathy a waste of other peoples money. Indeed, you should be the one responsible for locking your daughter up. But honestly does Kathy Hilton really care about other people spending money? She clearly doesn’t care about hotel prices, now does she? Is there anyway we can just lockup the entire family? Maybe put them and the Jacksons on a remote island somewhere……..
The only misfortune to come of this situation is the imminent book deal. I can just see her now on “Good Morning America” promoting, Paris’ Prison Stay: 101 Things Billy Bush Couldn’t Tell You, or What’s Not Hot about the Showers, or My Bitch: Tinkerbelle’s Tale of Torment without Me. All I’m saying is Paris has yet another TV show set to air and this is the perfect advertisement. It really is about the only trick she has yet to use on us.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
My Thoughts: Animals of Sorts
If I were an animal I would be…well I don’t know what I would be. I do know I would not want to be a lion. That’s a lot of pressure, being THE KING of the jungle. Too much is expected of the lion. Maybe the lion wants to lye around (I know that is really bad, but when I wrote it I didn’t even realize it. Honest) and eat grass, instead of chasing food around all day. Plus the lion never gets to order anyone around. You never here a lion go, “Hey, you there, antelope. Come here. I’m going to eat you.” And if you did the antelope would be like, “Hell no. You're not the boss of me. You can't just tell me, I have to let you eat me. What fools put you in charge, anyway? we sure didn’t”
As one grows up, they associate grey with elephants, green with frogs, yellow with lions, orange with tigers, blue with butterflies, but what color is associated with crack?
Fire ants neither start nor put out fires. They’re disappointing.
Animal lovers that are vegetarians are hypocrites. They say, “Eating meat is uncivilized.” and “We must protect the animals from extinction.” With this I ask all animal loving vegetarians, have you ever seen a cheetah taking down an antelope on the African Plans? That is not very civilized, and yet we must save the cheetah.
Life for cattle:
Eat rich, sumptuous grass every day in a lush, copious field until you are full without any worry of predators. Then you are taken to the butcher to fulfill their purpose in life.
Life for antelope:
Compete with the other herbivores in eating the dry, pallid grass of the African Plan, all the while keeping an eye over your shoulder so you don’t get their throat ripped out by any of the abundant species of carnivores. Then, one day you see a cheetah running at you. You are panicked. You flee. You’re not fast enough. The cheetah mauls you in the back. You fall. It picks you up by the neck and drags you a hundred yards under a tree. You are still alive. The cheetah bites into your stomach. You are devoured.
Which is more uncivilized? These vegetarian/animal lovers need to get off us humane human’s backs and start blaming the cheetahs.
I was walking down the street one day, and I saw a fire truck at someone’s house. As I drew nearer, I asked what was going on. The fireman replied that he was rescuing a cat from a tree. I didn’t know trees were hostile toward cats. First dogs now trees, its rough to be a cat. He said “rescuing.” Was this a hostage situation? Did the tree send a ransom note, or did it call? I really don’t think a tree would use paper or pencil, unless the pencil was mechanical and the paper recycled. It probably called. “I’ve got your cat and if you want him back you better water me.” “How do I know you haven’t harmed my kitty?” “Hold on…..(some rustling noise)….meow……(more rustling)….there are you happy? Oh and if the cops are called the cat will get hurt.” So the lady called the fire department, and the tree was like “Crap, I didn’t think this through.”
Maybe it’s just a conspiracy. Trees are paying off the dogs to do the dirty work.
“If you case that cat up me, I’ll let you mark me.”
“Deal”
Maybe the tree isn’t stopping there. We need to do more investigating in the matters of the squirrel-tree and bird-tree relations. After all we are letting our children play on and sometimes even take up residency in the trees. The trees could be the real terrorist.
Curiosity killed the cat. I wonder who solve this crime, or if there were any witnesses, or what motives curiosity had to kill the cat. Or---
As one grows up, they associate grey with elephants, green with frogs, yellow with lions, orange with tigers, blue with butterflies, but what color is associated with crack?
Fire ants neither start nor put out fires. They’re disappointing.
Animal lovers that are vegetarians are hypocrites. They say, “Eating meat is uncivilized.” and “We must protect the animals from extinction.” With this I ask all animal loving vegetarians, have you ever seen a cheetah taking down an antelope on the African Plans? That is not very civilized, and yet we must save the cheetah.
Life for cattle:
Eat rich, sumptuous grass every day in a lush, copious field until you are full without any worry of predators. Then you are taken to the butcher to fulfill their purpose in life.
Life for antelope:
Compete with the other herbivores in eating the dry, pallid grass of the African Plan, all the while keeping an eye over your shoulder so you don’t get their throat ripped out by any of the abundant species of carnivores. Then, one day you see a cheetah running at you. You are panicked. You flee. You’re not fast enough. The cheetah mauls you in the back. You fall. It picks you up by the neck and drags you a hundred yards under a tree. You are still alive. The cheetah bites into your stomach. You are devoured.
Which is more uncivilized? These vegetarian/animal lovers need to get off us humane human’s backs and start blaming the cheetahs.
I was walking down the street one day, and I saw a fire truck at someone’s house. As I drew nearer, I asked what was going on. The fireman replied that he was rescuing a cat from a tree. I didn’t know trees were hostile toward cats. First dogs now trees, its rough to be a cat. He said “rescuing.” Was this a hostage situation? Did the tree send a ransom note, or did it call? I really don’t think a tree would use paper or pencil, unless the pencil was mechanical and the paper recycled. It probably called. “I’ve got your cat and if you want him back you better water me.” “How do I know you haven’t harmed my kitty?” “Hold on…..(some rustling noise)….meow……(more rustling)….there are you happy? Oh and if the cops are called the cat will get hurt.” So the lady called the fire department, and the tree was like “Crap, I didn’t think this through.”
Maybe it’s just a conspiracy. Trees are paying off the dogs to do the dirty work.
“If you case that cat up me, I’ll let you mark me.”
“Deal”
Maybe the tree isn’t stopping there. We need to do more investigating in the matters of the squirrel-tree and bird-tree relations. After all we are letting our children play on and sometimes even take up residency in the trees. The trees could be the real terrorist.
Curiosity killed the cat. I wonder who solve this crime, or if there were any witnesses, or what motives curiosity had to kill the cat. Or---
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Novel Release DATE! 2000never
Shortly after I began writing My Thoughts, I started working on a novel. Unfortunately, I had a couple of things working against me: I can’t write, I have no important message, and my ideas are as good as a coked-up squirrel’s. So, with all of this going against me, I started to focus on coming up with quotes. My hopes were, seeing as how I had no writing ability, no theme, and no story, I might as well have some lines people can quote. Sort of like Napoleon Dynamite. Here are some of the quotes from my novel. Feel free to quote any of them. One day you might find yourself in a conversation saying, “that reminds me of a quote (say the quote) from the novel Partly Cloudy with a Clear Horizon by Daniel R.S. Granda.” Your audience will be amazed, and may ask for the book's name to be repeated. Give it to them. They won’t know you haven’t read it, or that I haven’t even written it for that matter. No one just goes out and buys a book after hearing one or two lines from it. If you come across a person that does do that sort of thing, you do not need to be friends with them. However, to make certain no one tries to get the book, do not use the quotes often. If you are always spouting out lines, one of your friends will eventually say, “Say, you certainly quote that book a lot. It must be pretty good. Where can I get it?” That is something that should definitely not happen. So, pick the right moments to use the quotes. Like, perhaps in a conversation with people that are smarter than you. (This way they will feel stupid for not even have hear of the book, non the less having not read it.) Or, if you are giving a speech to graduates, co-workers, or your boss, or if you are at a bar picking someone up, or if you are trying to tell your children, spouse, or that person you just picked up from the bar something very profound. Anyway, if you use these lines, you can’t go wrong. So pick out as many as you like and start reciting them right away.
The quotes:
1. “People always glorify the dead. I guess it's because they are no longer around to bother us.”
2. “Nobody likes a liar, son, nobody.”
3. “They have their opinions; I have mine, and boy, am I thankful for it.”
4. “Everyone is afraid of death. I look forward to it. Either all of my questions will be answered or I won’t have any to bother me.”
5. “Greatness is only possible when something great is won and, unfortunately for you, we are winning.”
6. “There are five stages in life: baby, child, teen, adult and elderly. Though there are some that never seem to change after the second stage.”
7. “Death is as much a part of life as being a confused teen.”
8. “Wisdom doesn’t come with age, it comes in the end.”
9. “Time is a mysterious thing. The older you get, the quicker it goes. To a newborn baby a second is a life time, but to a 93 year old a second is like a star in the sky.”
10. “The best part of living is enjoying it while it lasts.”
11. “Trying to change a person is like trying to dig up concrete with a plastic spoon. You can only do it when it’s fresh.”
12. “Everyone has regrets. Some regret they were not daring enough. Others regret that they were too daring. Nobody likes who they are; until they accept that what they have done was right for them at the time.”
13. “You have a choice, to be great or to be like everyone else.”
14. “If you are great you are remembered, if you are not great then you are liked.”
15. “Love is the most addictive drug of all, and recovering from it is the best form torture I can think of.”
16. “Everyone has hardships. At least everyone would like to think so.”
17. “How can one flaw be greater than another? Whose job is it to rank flaws? Isn't it all the same in the end?”
18. “To forgive is to forget pain, and the only cure for pain is love.”
19. “No one knows exactly what is right. The only thing you can know is that you tried.”
20. “Can you think in heaven? Your brain thinks, and when you die, your brain stays with your body. So how do you think in heaven?”
You are welcome.
The quotes:
1. “People always glorify the dead. I guess it's because they are no longer around to bother us.”
2. “Nobody likes a liar, son, nobody.”
3. “They have their opinions; I have mine, and boy, am I thankful for it.”
4. “Everyone is afraid of death. I look forward to it. Either all of my questions will be answered or I won’t have any to bother me.”
5. “Greatness is only possible when something great is won and, unfortunately for you, we are winning.”
6. “There are five stages in life: baby, child, teen, adult and elderly. Though there are some that never seem to change after the second stage.”
7. “Death is as much a part of life as being a confused teen.”
8. “Wisdom doesn’t come with age, it comes in the end.”
9. “Time is a mysterious thing. The older you get, the quicker it goes. To a newborn baby a second is a life time, but to a 93 year old a second is like a star in the sky.”
10. “The best part of living is enjoying it while it lasts.”
11. “Trying to change a person is like trying to dig up concrete with a plastic spoon. You can only do it when it’s fresh.”
12. “Everyone has regrets. Some regret they were not daring enough. Others regret that they were too daring. Nobody likes who they are; until they accept that what they have done was right for them at the time.”
13. “You have a choice, to be great or to be like everyone else.”
14. “If you are great you are remembered, if you are not great then you are liked.”
15. “Love is the most addictive drug of all, and recovering from it is the best form torture I can think of.”
16. “Everyone has hardships. At least everyone would like to think so.”
17. “How can one flaw be greater than another? Whose job is it to rank flaws? Isn't it all the same in the end?”
18. “To forgive is to forget pain, and the only cure for pain is love.”
19. “No one knows exactly what is right. The only thing you can know is that you tried.”
20. “Can you think in heaven? Your brain thinks, and when you die, your brain stays with your body. So how do you think in heaven?”
You are welcome.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Fake news and a fun game
Man Sues Local Brewery
After spending his 21st birthday beer tasting at Georg Kershanoff and Sohn’s Microbrewery, Shawn McDonald found himself a little lightheaded and giddy. The following day, McDonald awoke with a splitting headache, enlarged pupils, and nausea. McDonald says he was not aware of this effect. “I left the place feeling great. All was well, but then I woke up and I couldn’t take it. I called GKS (the microbrewery) and they said that those symptoms were normal. I couldn’t believe anyone told me about it. It really is a scam.” McDonald followed his call to the brewery with a call to his attorney, Terry Mullen. Mullen says that his client was mistreated, and that the microbrewery’s slogan of “Let the good times role” is false advertising. “My client was under the impression that he would not feel sick after drinking (the brewery's products). We will be taking this matter to court and will not accept a settlement unless it is a large compensation.” The brewery has not commented on this matter but is expected to hold a press conference tomorrow at noon.
Warning: The following contains foul and graphic language...........and urges you to make up new foul and graphic langauge.
Fun Game: In my ever-constant state of boredom, I came up with a way to 1 waste time and 2 make up new words, curse words that is. The first step in this two step process is to say a random cuss word or word associated with naughty parts of the human anatomy (not surprisingly most of these words fit in both categories.) Examples are: ass, penis, vagina, tits, dick, and (everyone’s favorite) fuck. Pick and choose your favorite. Now, to the hard part. With the first word out up in the air hanging like a dingleberry, people will be expecting you to add to your sudden fit of foul language. You cannot disappoint. The second, and final step, is placing a random noun, preferably an object not so much proper nouns, behind the first word. Examples of these kinds of nouns are: cup, hat, pole, sock, lamp, and bean. The final product can be very amusing. Some of my favorites include: Douche basket, dick rail, twat noodle, and (the best one ever) ass whistle. Yes, ass whistle. It actually has a definition. It’s a fart. Daniel Webster eat your heart out.
After spending his 21st birthday beer tasting at Georg Kershanoff and Sohn’s Microbrewery, Shawn McDonald found himself a little lightheaded and giddy. The following day, McDonald awoke with a splitting headache, enlarged pupils, and nausea. McDonald says he was not aware of this effect. “I left the place feeling great. All was well, but then I woke up and I couldn’t take it. I called GKS (the microbrewery) and they said that those symptoms were normal. I couldn’t believe anyone told me about it. It really is a scam.” McDonald followed his call to the brewery with a call to his attorney, Terry Mullen. Mullen says that his client was mistreated, and that the microbrewery’s slogan of “Let the good times role” is false advertising. “My client was under the impression that he would not feel sick after drinking (the brewery's products). We will be taking this matter to court and will not accept a settlement unless it is a large compensation.” The brewery has not commented on this matter but is expected to hold a press conference tomorrow at noon.
Warning: The following contains foul and graphic language...........and urges you to make up new foul and graphic langauge.
Fun Game: In my ever-constant state of boredom, I came up with a way to 1 waste time and 2 make up new words, curse words that is. The first step in this two step process is to say a random cuss word or word associated with naughty parts of the human anatomy (not surprisingly most of these words fit in both categories.) Examples are: ass, penis, vagina, tits, dick, and (everyone’s favorite) fuck. Pick and choose your favorite. Now, to the hard part. With the first word out up in the air hanging like a dingleberry, people will be expecting you to add to your sudden fit of foul language. You cannot disappoint. The second, and final step, is placing a random noun, preferably an object not so much proper nouns, behind the first word. Examples of these kinds of nouns are: cup, hat, pole, sock, lamp, and bean. The final product can be very amusing. Some of my favorites include: Douche basket, dick rail, twat noodle, and (the best one ever) ass whistle. Yes, ass whistle. It actually has a definition. It’s a fart. Daniel Webster eat your heart out.
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