Happiest Moment of the Year

Perhaps the world is shaping up after all. Why? You ask. Because Paris Hilton is going to jail. Oh it is so happy to say. I really can’t even think about it without slapping a giant grin on my face. The story goes, on February 27, 2007, Ms Hilton was stopped by Los Angeles County Sheriff deputies when they saw her at 11 PM speeding with her headlights off. This had been the second time authorities had stopped her while she was on probation for DUI. After hearing the case, a judge sentenced Hilton to spend 45 days in a Los Angeles County woman’s prison. Paris was under the impression that her probation was over after 30 days, instead of the supposed 90 days in which it was really scheduled to last.
This maybe one of the happiest times in modern day. Seriously, do the terrorist know about this? They have to be somewhat pleased. I know I have an extra spring in my step. It gives me comfort to know they have finally found a way to contain that many venereal diseases. Perhaps the most gratifying realization to come from this ruling is that Paris is officially not a celebrity. Hilton’s attorney, Howard Weitzman, sums it up best saying, “I think she is single out because of who she is.” It is a proven fact that if anyone who is tried in LA county courts that has any talent what so ever will be found not guilty. So obviously Paris is not fitting the bill. "I'm shocked, I'm surprised and really disheartened in the system that I've worked in for close to 40 years," Weitzman said. I’m assuming Mr. Weitzman was under the impression he was representing someone who could easily pay off the legal system. But what he didn’t know is Paris has screwed it too many times, and the rashes and burning sensations are still lingering.
Kathy Hilton, Paris’ mother, was enraged after the ruling. She apparently scoffed after the city prosecutor remarked in his closing argument that the defendant needed jail time. But the fun doesn’t stop there. Kathy reportedly shouted “May I have your autograph?” at the judge after his ruling. I guess Kathy Hilton is a fan of LA county judges. She must have the autographs of all the greats. No, no she can’t be. That would be silly. She was most likely thinking of all the money she would make selling the autograph on Ebay. Quite frankly the autograph of the man who put Paris Hilton behind bars is certainly worth some serious scratch. Kathy’s real opinion for her daughter’s judge became clear after she proclaimed of the decision, “This is pathetic and disgusting, a waste of taxpayer money with all this nonsense. This is a joke." Yes, Kathy a waste of other peoples money. Indeed, you should be the one responsible for locking your daughter up. But honestly does Kathy Hilton really care about other people spending money? She clearly doesn’t care about hotel prices, now does she? Is there anyway we can just lockup the entire family? Maybe put them and the Jacksons on a remote island somewhere……..
The only misfortune to come of this situation is the imminent book deal. I can just see her now on “Good Morning America” promoting, Paris’ Prison Stay: 101 Things Billy Bush Couldn’t Tell You, or What’s Not Hot about the Showers, or My Bitch: Tinkerbelle’s Tale of Torment without Me. All I’m saying is Paris has yet another TV show set to air and this is the perfect advertisement. It really is about the only trick she has yet to use on us.