Top Ten List

This weeks Top Ten contest on the Late Show website is Top Ten Least Popular Holiday TV Specials. So to get into the Holiday mood I decided to give it a whirl. As always I encourage you to submit your own to both this site and http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/contest/index/php/20071215.phtml
free t shirts from the later if you win. AWESOME. And just because I'm in the holiday spirit I too will send out a free T shirt for all of the winners at intheworldofdan.

Top Ten Least Popular Holiday TV Specials

Rudolph “the Red Nosed” Reindeer Goes to Alcoholics Anonymous

The Santa Clause 4: Tim Allen really needs money

It’s a Wonderful Suicide

Santa joins the Biggest Loser

A Miracle on Martin Luther King Boulevard

The Naughty List

Scroogeberg: Why Ebenezer Really Didn’t Celebrate Christmas

Mrs. Clause’s Night of Fun

How the Grump Complained About Christmas

Frosty’s Trip to the Bahamas

Winners will be determined on the quality and quantity of entries the submit. All of the judging is by the Dan and only the Dan can grant winner status and the free t-shirt. To be awarded as a winner 1) persons must post their entries(s) to this blog 2) be deemed not a loser (note: all persons who post on blogs will be considered a loser.)

All in the Family

So the pope story will come some time during my Thanksgiving break. I've been a bit busy (school just gets in the way some times.......) stay in school kids!
In the mean time, my uncle sent me some of his takes on what people should do in a bear suit. See anyone can do it! so send me yours. In fact, I am thinking about having a bear suit top ten contest, and if you make the list you could win a prize! Yes, you could win a prize.

Uncle Steve Bear Suit Activity's
1) catch a cab and ask the driver to take you home to the zoo.
2) walk into Hans Wieman and inquire about hair removal
3) drive up to the drive thru window at Wendy's and order honey with a side of bees
4) ask the Walgreen's pharmacist, "excuse me, do you have anything to stop the itch down there (while gesturing between your thighs)
5) ask the Walgreen's clerk, "excuse me, where's that shaving cream you had on sale"?
6) walk in late to the movie theatre and ask the single person "excuse me, is that seat taken"?

More Bear Suits

Ok so I know you all voted for the fake news story about the pope, but I havent written it yet. This bear suit thing is way too much fun. Anyway here are some more. I promise my next update will be the pope story, thank you for yor patience, now enjoy


26) Crash a wedding.
27) Crash a bachelor party by popping out of a cake as the striper.
28) Go to a seafood restaurant and ask if they have any live salmon
29) Go to a costume shop and ask if they have any masks of any of the controversial bear presidents.
30) Go to a Build-A-Bear with a friend who is also in a bear suit and shout “This is how you really make a bear!” and start humping each other.
31) Put on red swimming trunks (or a poke-a-dot bikini), go to a pool, and float on a rafted.
32) Attend an upper level physics class at a university, and say to the person next to you “I wish this class was more challenging. I mean I did this stuff back in beardergarden”
33) Sit at a bus station in a suit and tie (no pants). When people get there ask them what time it is then say, “God I am going to be so late!”
34) Go skiing
35) Go snowboarding
36) Go sledding
37) Go to Jenny Craig and ask how many points 28 pounds of salmon in one sitting would be.
38) Go to a tanning salon and say you need a base coat for your vacation to Mexico.
39) Go to a pet store. Ask what this you need to buy for a cat because you just took one in from off the street.
40) Go to a fire station and ask if you can sign up to help.
41) Go door to door asking people if they have found Greg the Savior of Bears
42) Go to a furniture store and tryout all of the beds until you find and declare one “just right”
43) Go to a grocery store, pick up a bag of Teddy Grahams and ask to see a manager
44) Tell everyone you see that you are naked
45) Ride a go-kart
46) Go to a train station and ask if they have a ticket to get to Bearville
47) Go to a Chicago Bears game. Ask everyone around you why there are no bears on the field and then say “This sure is different from the bearball back home”
48) Go to a taxidermist and yell “YOU BUTCHER!” then leave.
49) Go to a police station. Declare yourself a spokesman for your kind. Ask if they want to have a bear mascot, and finally beat the fire department in terms of kick-assness. “Bear vs Dalmatians? No contest.”
50) Go to a bar and pick up a girl with the line “once you’ve had bear, nothing else seems fair.”
51) Go to a gun store and ask what it would take to tranquilize 13 enraged humans.
52) Ask someone if they would be interested in letting you follow them around for your documentary “Man-Grizzly”
53) Ride a bike
54) Ride a scooter
55) Invite people to a party you are hosting later that night. Say it is for your cousin who just came in from the Yukon, and it’s going to be crazy wild”

Bear Suits are Funny

This is a list of twenty five things you can do if you have the opportunity to wear a bear suit. If you feel daring enough, come up with some of your own and submit them under the comments section. This might be a reoccuring segment so look forward to more. enjoy.

Things to do in a bear suit:
1) Buy moisturizer from a Bed, Bath, and Beyond
2) Skip everywhere you go
3) Stand at a urinal for as long as you can while letting out sighs of relief
4) Put on bifocals and sit on a park bench reading the newspaper
5) Dress up in a suit and tie (over the bear suit), go into any office, and ask if they have any bear related positions open.
6) Go ice-skating.
7) Walk around telling people that forest fires can be started by natural causes as well as people, and that your cousin Smoky is a radical. Then ask if they will join you in your quest to bring him down.
8) Go to a park and steal as many picnic baskets as you can.
9) Tell everyone you meet that you are just in a suit and in fact not a bear, but rather a gorilla.
10) Walk down the street with a fishing pole and a bucket.
11) Go to the DMV and ask if you can take a permit test.
12) Wear a trench coat and flash people
13) Play tennis
14) Workout at a gym
15) Sit in a box that says “Needs a home. $5” outside of a grocery store.
16) Stand on the corner of an intersection and hold up a sign reading “Smoky burnt my house down, Yogi ate my food, can you please spare some change?”
17) Walk your dog.
18) Go Rollerblading
19) Go to a taxidermist and ask if it would be cheaper to have a human stuffed or its head mounted.
20) Go to Subway and tell them that your good friend Jared sent you.
21) Go to a costume shop, tell them you were invited to a costume party at the last minute, and ask if they had any generic human suits.
22) Go shopping at the mall
23) Go to a convince store, tell the cashier you have a hot date, and ask if they have any bear sized condoms.
24) Go to the zoo.
25) Buy a hunting rifle.

My Thoughts: Random Stuff

I do not like the way Christians go about celebrating Easter. It is their most sacred and important holiday. However, when they greet each other on Easter they say, “Happy Easter.” Happy! Like every other holiday. They make no effort to separate it from the herd: Happy New Year, Happy Valentines’ Day, Happy Halloween, Happy Thanksgiving, Happy 4th of July, Happy Presidents’ Day, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Secretary’s Day, Happy Don’t get shot Day. They only major holiday that is different is Christmas, Merry Christmas, the one holiday that everyone loves. Some diehards Christians feel that a greater emphasis needs to be place on Easter. Luckily for them, I am here. I personally feel that in order to make Easter more important they need to replace the adjective “Happy” when greeting each other. Here are some suggestions as to words to use: blissful, blithe, captivated, cheerful, chipper, delightful, festive, exultant, gleeful, exhilarating, jubilant, jolly, joyous, joyful, overjoyed, enjoyable, mirthful, peppy, perky, sparkling, ecstatic, sold, sprightly, vivacious, groovy, swinging, or zippy. “Have a Chipper Easter!”

I wonder how much you would have to pay a hit man to kill himself.

When one sneezes they get a “God bless you” or a “Gesundheit,” when one coughs they get an “Are you ok? Want some water?” when one flatulates, well what isn’t said; but when one hiccups they get nothing. I say we institute the phrase “you are SO good lookin’” after every hiccup. Not only are you acknowledging the bodily function, you are increasing the hiccuper’s self-esteem.

No one wants to be friends with mimes, because it would be terrible if you had to call them from prison.

Studies, Obesity, and Children

Hello everyone. To gain background knowlegde for my following rant, please read this article (the source of making Dan go into one of his creatively hilarious tirades)
http://health.msn.com/reports/obesity/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100169605&GT1=10412

This topic came to me last Tuesday when I was assigned to read and respond to an essay about fat kids suing the fast food industry in one of my literature classes. The essay, Don’t Blame the Eater, was written by a previous fat kid who grew into a healthy adult David Zinczencko. I didn’t really think much of the essay, other than Zinczenko clearly doesn’t understand the fact that fast food isn’t solely to blame for ALL of America’s health problems (because obesity apparently leads to every disease known, excluding anorexia and bulimia) Anyway, Zinczencko was arguing that fast food is to blame and the lawsuits are just. Fortunately for these kids I am not a lawyer, because I would counter sue them on behalf of the fast food industry for being lazy. The moral of this story is the essay really sucked and I basically tore it apart (hooray Dan you are so smart) Days later, this subject of American obesity had almost left my mind until I stumbled upon a news headline, The Role Relationships Play in Obesity. First, I started to read thinking this would be a great article to send as a joke to my brother who has recently gained a little weight, but as I read I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I suddenly took pity on these fat kids. Parents are now being encouraged to tell there children to stay away from fat children. Isn’t it bad enough that these kids are made fun of, picked last in gym, and sometimes even physically harmed (think dodge balls in the face) from the other kids, now they are going to be completely ostracized. To be fair the article did say, “Make it clear that you have zero tolerance for name-calling or stereotyping of kids who are overweight or different in any other way. Help your child develop a sense of empathy for those who stand out.” HA! Because parents never thought of the “don’t call anyone names” or the “it’s ok if Jimmy has just one leg, his wheel chair is what makes him special” approaches. Right, I am totally trusting kids to be especially nice to the fat kids now that their parents are telling them that fat people are just as bad to hang around with as drugs addicts. As the article says, “It's common for kids, especially as they grow into teens, to be influenced by their friends and peers. What "everyone else" is doing can also influence their choices when it comes to behaviors like smoking, drinking, drug use, and even what kind of food they eat when they're together.”
WHAT IS GOING ON?!
To answer my rhetorical question, STUDIES! We have become too wrapped up in studies. Everything is bad. Calories, bad. They are what cause you to put on weight. They also help you do a little something call staying alive. I saw a report claiming that people should “stay away” from certain types of fruit, because to much of them in your diet may harm you. FRUIT?! I guess their really isn’t anything healthy to eat anymore. Kids throwing baseballs, bad. I heard an announcer say that kids shouldn’t be allowed to pitch until high school, because so many young pitchers are suffering injuries. But then there is the old school/Japanese way of going about throwing. You do it as much as possible to build up your arm strength. And yet it seems like none of the Japanese pitchers suffer arm injuries, and I’m pretty sure some old time pitchers threw upwards of 40 complete games in a season with out suffering injuries. Imagine, if a young boy eats a bowl of fruit and then goes to play catch with his friends. What will become of this young hooligan? He will most likely end up in the hospital with diabetes, a blown shoulder, and a horrible attitude. Video games, bad. Video games apparently make kids more violent. No, they don’t. Kids not being able to wrestle around with their siblings and friends, or play a sport without touching the other kids; because little Timmy might just get an owy, is what makes children more violent. They have no reasonable outlet to take out their frustrations. But isn’t that really the issue., children having frustration? Heaven forbid if a child suffers through any ordeal. As the article, supported by a doctor, states, “If parents instill healthy values and habits in kids early on, kids will be prepared to handle and interpret whatever social influences they encounter as they grow.” FALSE. Because everyone knows that to actually handle a social situation they may encounter as they grow, they actually have to go through something called LIFE. Studies try and prove what things are bad for us. They tell us we need to stay away from these things. Parents then see these studies and say, “well I can’t have Sally doing that and eating this.” So as a result, kids are sheltered and overly protected. Suddenly, no score is kept in their little league soccer games. These children don’t face any loses, any hardships. This leaves them with all the self-esteem in the world, only to have it be devastatingly crushed when they enter the world, and they have no way of coping. No more of these useless studies, no more of this over protective, its all for the kids benefit parenting. Then perhaps, people like David Zinczecko and the folks at kidshealth.org can understand that people have to make decisions for themselves, take personal responsibility for their actions, and suffer through their mistakes. This way, their will be no more frivolous lawsuits that make the prices for insurance, and by default everything else, sky rocket. This way, fat kids will have to suffer through name calling and abuse to ultimately become better people. I leave you with some quotes I am certain you have heard from your parents, “back in my day we had to walk to school uphill……..both ways.” “I remember when we used to just play outside all day without our parents knowing where we were.” “I remember I was so skinny and strong.” “We had to eat our fruits and vegetables before we had dessert, if we even had it at all.” “Kids have it so easy nowadays; we had work in my day.” “Kids are so spoiled these days.” “These kids today, they just don’t know what the real world is.”

Fake News

Animal Activist Killed in Rescue Attempt
Walter Tallas was pronounced dead from severe blood loss when he arrived at Dorothea Dix Hospital yesterday afternoon. Jeremy Kemp, Tallas’ friend, claims the pair had been given the mission of capturing a 200 pound cougar. The two were to then take the animal to Yellowstone National Park, a 130 mile drive, to release it back into the wild. However, when the Tallas opened the animal’s cage and untied the chains binding it, the animal mauled him. Kemp, armed with a stun gun, shocked the animal in order to save his friend. The animal ran away and Kemp then called 911 on his cell phone. An ambulance was sent to aid Tallas, and police were dispatched to tranquilize the big cat.
Police were able to capture the animal in a furniture shop downtown after two hours of searching and many frantic calls reporting sightings. Fortunately, the cougar did not attack anyone else as it made its way into down town, but it did frighten and shock people as it was wondering the streets. The cat also did thousands of dollars worth of damage in the furniture shop. “I couldn’t believe it.” Said Michael Thatcher, an employee of Furniture Galaxy. “It was such a slow day too. The cougar was only the fourth customer of the day. Actually, I had no idea what to do when it walked in. I took a picture of it on my phone; then I ran into the bathroom, locked the door, and called everyone I knew.”
Kemp claims this mission was given to them by Kathy Blake, the head of AAU (Animal Activist United) an organization that actively works to free animals in abusive situations. The AAU is a private organization, which receives no state for federal support. “This type of action needs to end with the death of Mr. Tallas.” Mayor Calvin Jordan said about the AAU. “If these people want to help, they should contact proper authorities to take measures against animal cruelty.” Charges have been filed against Ms. Blake for involuntary manslaughter and Mr. Kemp for trespassing on private property, attempted robbery, and cruelty to animals for stunning the cougar. The AAU is also under investigation for stealing animals from a farm.


Man Sues, Dessert Didn’t Live up to Expectations
Littletown, Mississippi- Harold Victor filed suit yesterday against Big Betty’s Bakery yesterday, claiming one of the bakery’s items was falsely advertised. Victor says he heard a radio commercial introducing Big Betty’s death by chocolate triple fudge cake.
The story begins when Victor was fired from his job only to come home to find a note from his wife stating that she had left him for his best friend, had taken their two children, and had emptied their bank accounts. He then turned on is TV only to have the electricity in his house fail, due to his wife never paying the bill. Victor says he then drove to a bar to watch the New Orleans Saints play the Baltimore Ravens on Monday Night Football. An avid Saints fan, Victor said, “I wouldn’t miss a game for nothin(g), but that night was somethin(g).” On the way to the bar Victor’s car broke down. Overwhelmed by the day he was having Victor sat in his now broken car listening to the radio and contemplating his life. “That’s when I heard the commercial. I thought it might be a sign or somethin(g)” he then walked the three and a half miles to Big Betty’s to find it closed. “I was so mad. I could have torn up a hen house like it was nothin(g).”
That night, Victor tried many times to end his life including suffocating himself in his electric oven. “I was thinkin(g) of every which way to kill myself but it was so hard. I couldn’t see nothin(g) in my house and my stove broke, too.” The next morning he walked back to the bakery and ordered their newest menu item, the death by chocolate triple fudge cake. “When I first bit into it thought to myself, this is the tastiest way to commit suicide, and I told the waitress (Betty) I would have gotten another if the first wasn’t go(ing) to killed me.” She then informed Victor that the cake was not going to kill him. “I was so mad I could have turned a cotton field into a pig sty.”
Spending the last of his money on the cake, Victor called his father to ask for money. “When Harry told me the story I just thought, he should get a lawyer, because that woman had been mean to him. That Betty had it comin(g) to her.” Ernest Victor, Harold father said.
Big Betty’s has yet to publicly comment on the situation, but has reported an increase in death by chocolate triple fudge cake sales.

Space the next Frontier, or Place for a Hotel

please read first
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070810/ts_nm/space_hotel_dc;_ylt=AhZ3hkk91MLtCA2TovPw.OsDW7oF

So I have a couple of questions…..
First of all, who the hell wants to pay four million dollars, to “use Velcro suits to crawl around their pod rooms by sticking themselves to the walls like Spiderman.”? You can do that for about one hundred bucks if you rent one of those giant, Velcro, carny blow-up things. Secondly, they haven’t figured out the bathroom situation. How do they not know what to do? I’m pretty sure astronauts have bowel movements from time to time. I’m guessing NASA and or the Russians know a thing or two about letting out a couple of space nuggets. Why aren’t these people asking them about space toilets? (Fun fact: Russian Yuri Gagarin celebrated as the first human in space and the first to orbit the Earth is also believed to hold the prestigious honor of being the first human to poop in space. These actions seem to go hand in hand.)
Anotherly, they have calculated that just 40,000 people are rich enough to go on this space vacation. Is this bothering anyone else? 40,000 people have so much money that they can merely spend four million dollars on a three day vacation, staying at a place with Velcro walls and horrible pluming none the less. To help you better understanding of how much 4 million dollars is, if you were to ever guess four million dollars to win a vacation on The Price is Right you would be over………by a lot. And to help you understand just how short three days is, to a person born in a leap year that is 116 years old, three days is merely .00000708% of the days they have lived.
This line is probably the most frightening of all, “Galactic Suite said the price included not only three nights in space. Guests also get eight weeks of intensive training at a James Bond-style space camp on a tropical island.” First, after the phrase “not only a three night’s stay, they also get” one would assume, and hope, that the next words are a free continental breakfast, or fifty dollars of space money to spend at the spa, which has floating drops of water that function as showers. But if you sign up for this trip you have to work, apparently secret agent style. Just in case one of these rich people also happens to be an evil genius. This just sounds like a bond film, Space Hotel Royale. Though rich people in space provides us with what could be the best reality TV show in history. The Surreal Life in Space, Survivor: The Asteroid Belt, The Simple Life: Astronauts. I hope Paris is one of those 40,000. Oh wouldn’t we all love to see that. Now that would be news. Screw Lance Bass in space I want Paris in orbit. Can you just see all the paparazzi with their telescopes? Oh it would be spectacular, no more Paris. No, she wouldn’t do it; she would be going to a rival hotel.
The next line is my favorite. "There is fear associated with going into space," said Claramunt. "That's why the shuttle rocket will remain fixed to the space hotel for the duration of the guests' stay, so they know they can get home again." Are you kidding? Just having the shuttle attached to the freaking space hotel is supposed to make everyone feel better. This is what first comes to mind when I am tearing myself from the walls of the space hotel, “We could lose our oxygen supply at any moment, there is a large possibility and evil genius is on board, this hotel floating in space most likely wasn’t built properly since the people in charge didn’t know how to install a bathroom nor had sense enough to ask NASA for help, and on top of all of that the only experience I have closely resembling what to do in space is a two month training course on a tropical island. Oh why didn’t I just stay on the tropical island? Hell, I could have just stayed on one of MY islands. Oh god, where did the shuttle pilot go?”
And it is nice to see that the director of the hotel loves Earth so much that he is taking the right steps when it comes to pollution from the rocket being sent back and forth every three days…..wait, never mind “Galaxy Suite have no plans so far to offset the pollution implications of sending a rocket to carry just six guests at a time into space.” "I'm hopeful that the impact of seeing the earth from a distance will stimulate the guests' urge to value and protect our planet." Says Claramunt. I'm just going to assume Al Gore isn't invited to the hotel. Seriously what is the guy going to say to his guests? “Hey, everyone look at how beautiful our planet is. Would have been nice to see it last longer, since the rocket did just completely destroy the O-zone. But hey, we can crap in space!”

The Biggest Mystery of the Century

With all of the recent legal troubles with celebrities, prison has blossomed into the place where anybody who is anybody goes. But the fact remains, its still prison. So I question, why is the slammer so appealing? The celebs seem to be keeping tight lips on the matter. I had to do some research on my own. It seemed that actually committing a crime, going to trial, getting convicted, appealing, going to a second trial, and getting convicted yet again would take longer than searching the internet. So like a med student seeking the answers to difficult questions, I set out, exploring the internet for hours until I found it. I have achieved my goal; and the answer, well it is nothing I can have you read about. So, my friends I will show you why prison is so freaking awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M3o

a message from your friendly neighborhood dan and some fake news

Its been a while, but i have an excuse. I have an overnight job, and my best ideas come between the hours of 12 and 3 in the morning. Unfortuatley, I cant just write stuff down in the middle of work. So to everyone who actually reads this sorry for the late update. If you are wishing I could update more, I am willing to quit my job if you would compensate my for the lost hours of work.
Enjoy

Police Catch Escapee on Hoveround
Traffic was not at its normal, rush-hour stand still yesterday on I-34 as many people were force to take a different route after local authorities shut down the interstate. The cause was 87 year-old Glenda Rouseman.
At 12:30 PM yesterday, the Angel Gate Assisted Living Center contacted police to report that the 87 year-old had gone missing. Rouseman’s son Randy, local used-car salesman famous for his zany television ads, first questioned the center of his mother’s whereabouts during a lunch hour visit to her room. After checking her in-house schedule and finding Glenda had no current appointments or activites, the center notified its security. With an hour of searching the grounds gone by, a security officer, Fred Hopkins, noticed the center’s security tapes had captured the elderly woman following a SUV out of the Center’s parking lot gates in her wheelchair. “She sure slipped by. She was holding on to the opposite side of the vehicle as it traveled by the hut.” Hopkins said in a state of awe and disbelief. “I guess we all need to pay a little more attention to details.” With this shocking discovery the Center called police to help with the search. “We were very concerned. Glenda is diabetic, is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s disease, and suffers from VIPoma or Werner Morrison syndrome.” Wendy Gage, the director of the Living Center said.
At 4:42 PM, police received many frantic phone calls from drivers driving on I-34, claiming an elderly woman was in the right hand lane of the highway driving her Hoveround wheelchair. Police caught up to the woman, but only after a seventeen car wreck had occurred behind her. “This was clearly a first.” said Deputy Officer William Joyce of the St Grove Sheriff’s Department, “It did take a while to clear the interstate, but thankfully no one was severely hurt in the accident.”
“It’s a shame this incident happened, and I am thankful no one was severely hurt. I am offering massive discounts on all of the vehicles currently on my lot to all who were involved in the accident.” A relieved and grateful Randy Rouseman said at the scene.
It also took authorities a long time to restrain the 87-year old Rouseman who at the time was in a confused state. “She thought she had to get to the hospital to give birth.” Deputy Williams said, “She wouldn’t allow us to take her to the hospital either saying she didn’t want take time away from our duties. When an officer went to catcher her, she hit him several times with an umbrella she had on her wheelchair.”
“It’s not surprising. She has always been a fighter.” Randy Rouseman said with a chuckle after hearing of his mother’s attempted escape from police. Glenda was kept over night at St. Lawrence Hospital for observation despite suffering only minor cuts and bruises, and already has plans on her next adventure. “She told me she wants to go to the Grand Canyon after she saw a Live Arizona add on the hospital TV” Randy said, “but hopefully she has learned her lesson and doesn’t try this again. We are going to be keeping a close eye on her.”

top ten

Keeping with the Paris Hilton theme, this is the Top ten contest on the Late Show with David Letterman website for the week. this is the link http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/contest/index/php/20070519.phtml , join in on parismania and write down your best quip, who knows you may win a free late show t-shirt

my list

Top Ten Cool Things About Sharing a Jail Cell with Paris Hilton

10) Free Hilton Hotel mini bar
9) You will have a lot of alone time since she is always on conjugal visits.
8) Her ability to fit through the bars provides a crucial element to your escape
7) “Lights out” just means a switch to night vision mode
6) She can fill you in on all of the in between details Billy Bush leaves out of her life
5) She invites you to join in on the conjugal visits
4) Your tell all book: Sleeping above Paris
3) She knows how to make a fine wine in a toilet
2) Her optimistic, no complaints attitude
1) Paris’ prison motto: Get busy living

Happiest Moment of the Year

Perhaps the world is shaping up after all. Why? You ask. Because Paris Hilton is going to jail. Oh it is so happy to say. I really can’t even think about it without slapping a giant grin on my face. The story goes, on February 27, 2007, Ms Hilton was stopped by Los Angeles County Sheriff deputies when they saw her at 11 PM speeding with her headlights off. This had been the second time authorities had stopped her while she was on probation for DUI. After hearing the case, a judge sentenced Hilton to spend 45 days in a Los Angeles County woman’s prison. Paris was under the impression that her probation was over after 30 days, instead of the supposed 90 days in which it was really scheduled to last.
This maybe one of the happiest times in modern day. Seriously, do the terrorist know about this? They have to be somewhat pleased. I know I have an extra spring in my step. It gives me comfort to know they have finally found a way to contain that many venereal diseases. Perhaps the most gratifying realization to come from this ruling is that Paris is officially not a celebrity. Hilton’s attorney, Howard Weitzman, sums it up best saying, “I think she is single out because of who she is.” It is a proven fact that if anyone who is tried in LA county courts that has any talent what so ever will be found not guilty. So obviously Paris is not fitting the bill. "I'm shocked, I'm surprised and really disheartened in the system that I've worked in for close to 40 years," Weitzman said. I’m assuming Mr. Weitzman was under the impression he was representing someone who could easily pay off the legal system. But what he didn’t know is Paris has screwed it too many times, and the rashes and burning sensations are still lingering.
Kathy Hilton, Paris’ mother, was enraged after the ruling. She apparently scoffed after the city prosecutor remarked in his closing argument that the defendant needed jail time. But the fun doesn’t stop there. Kathy reportedly shouted “May I have your autograph?” at the judge after his ruling. I guess Kathy Hilton is a fan of LA county judges. She must have the autographs of all the greats. No, no she can’t be. That would be silly. She was most likely thinking of all the money she would make selling the autograph on Ebay. Quite frankly the autograph of the man who put Paris Hilton behind bars is certainly worth some serious scratch. Kathy’s real opinion for her daughter’s judge became clear after she proclaimed of the decision, “This is pathetic and disgusting, a waste of taxpayer money with all this nonsense. This is a joke." Yes, Kathy a waste of other peoples money. Indeed, you should be the one responsible for locking your daughter up. But honestly does Kathy Hilton really care about other people spending money? She clearly doesn’t care about hotel prices, now does she? Is there anyway we can just lockup the entire family? Maybe put them and the Jacksons on a remote island somewhere……..
The only misfortune to come of this situation is the imminent book deal. I can just see her now on “Good Morning America” promoting, Paris’ Prison Stay: 101 Things Billy Bush Couldn’t Tell You, or What’s Not Hot about the Showers, or My Bitch: Tinkerbelle’s Tale of Torment without Me. All I’m saying is Paris has yet another TV show set to air and this is the perfect advertisement. It really is about the only trick she has yet to use on us.

My Thoughts: Animals of Sorts

If I were an animal I would be…well I don’t know what I would be. I do know I would not want to be a lion. That’s a lot of pressure, being THE KING of the jungle. Too much is expected of the lion. Maybe the lion wants to lye around (I know that is really bad, but when I wrote it I didn’t even realize it. Honest) and eat grass, instead of chasing food around all day. Plus the lion never gets to order anyone around. You never here a lion go, “Hey, you there, antelope. Come here. I’m going to eat you.” And if you did the antelope would be like, “Hell no. You're not the boss of me. You can't just tell me, I have to let you eat me. What fools put you in charge, anyway? we sure didn’t”

As one grows up, they associate grey with elephants, green with frogs, yellow with lions, orange with tigers, blue with butterflies, but what color is associated with crack?

Fire ants neither start nor put out fires. They’re disappointing.

Animal lovers that are vegetarians are hypocrites. They say, “Eating meat is uncivilized.” and “We must protect the animals from extinction.” With this I ask all animal loving vegetarians, have you ever seen a cheetah taking down an antelope on the African Plans? That is not very civilized, and yet we must save the cheetah.
Life for cattle:
Eat rich, sumptuous grass every day in a lush, copious field until you are full without any worry of predators. Then you are taken to the butcher to fulfill their purpose in life.
Life for antelope:
Compete with the other herbivores in eating the dry, pallid grass of the African Plan, all the while keeping an eye over your shoulder so you don’t get their throat ripped out by any of the abundant species of carnivores. Then, one day you see a cheetah running at you. You are panicked. You flee. You’re not fast enough. The cheetah mauls you in the back. You fall. It picks you up by the neck and drags you a hundred yards under a tree. You are still alive. The cheetah bites into your stomach. You are devoured.
Which is more uncivilized? These vegetarian/animal lovers need to get off us humane human’s backs and start blaming the cheetahs.

I was walking down the street one day, and I saw a fire truck at someone’s house. As I drew nearer, I asked what was going on. The fireman replied that he was rescuing a cat from a tree. I didn’t know trees were hostile toward cats. First dogs now trees, its rough to be a cat. He said “rescuing.” Was this a hostage situation? Did the tree send a ransom note, or did it call? I really don’t think a tree would use paper or pencil, unless the pencil was mechanical and the paper recycled. It probably called. “I’ve got your cat and if you want him back you better water me.” “How do I know you haven’t harmed my kitty?” “Hold on…..(some rustling noise)….meow……(more rustling)….there are you happy? Oh and if the cops are called the cat will get hurt.” So the lady called the fire department, and the tree was like “Crap, I didn’t think this through.”
Maybe it’s just a conspiracy. Trees are paying off the dogs to do the dirty work.
“If you case that cat up me, I’ll let you mark me.”
“Deal”
Maybe the tree isn’t stopping there. We need to do more investigating in the matters of the squirrel-tree and bird-tree relations. After all we are letting our children play on and sometimes even take up residency in the trees. The trees could be the real terrorist.

Curiosity killed the cat. I wonder who solve this crime, or if there were any witnesses, or what motives curiosity had to kill the cat. Or---

Novel Release DATE! 2000never

Shortly after I began writing My Thoughts, I started working on a novel. Unfortunately, I had a couple of things working against me: I can’t write, I have no important message, and my ideas are as good as a coked-up squirrel’s. So, with all of this going against me, I started to focus on coming up with quotes. My hopes were, seeing as how I had no writing ability, no theme, and no story, I might as well have some lines people can quote. Sort of like Napoleon Dynamite. Here are some of the quotes from my novel. Feel free to quote any of them. One day you might find yourself in a conversation saying, “that reminds me of a quote (say the quote) from the novel Partly Cloudy with a Clear Horizon by Daniel R.S. Granda.” Your audience will be amazed, and may ask for the book's name to be repeated. Give it to them. They won’t know you haven’t read it, or that I haven’t even written it for that matter. No one just goes out and buys a book after hearing one or two lines from it. If you come across a person that does do that sort of thing, you do not need to be friends with them. However, to make certain no one tries to get the book, do not use the quotes often. If you are always spouting out lines, one of your friends will eventually say, “Say, you certainly quote that book a lot. It must be pretty good. Where can I get it?” That is something that should definitely not happen. So, pick the right moments to use the quotes. Like, perhaps in a conversation with people that are smarter than you. (This way they will feel stupid for not even have hear of the book, non the less having not read it.) Or, if you are giving a speech to graduates, co-workers, or your boss, or if you are at a bar picking someone up, or if you are trying to tell your children, spouse, or that person you just picked up from the bar something very profound. Anyway, if you use these lines, you can’t go wrong. So pick out as many as you like and start reciting them right away.
The quotes:
1. “People always glorify the dead. I guess it's because they are no longer around to bother us.”
2. “Nobody likes a liar, son, nobody.”
3. “They have their opinions; I have mine, and boy, am I thankful for it.”
4. “Everyone is afraid of death. I look forward to it. Either all of my questions will be answered or I won’t have any to bother me.”
5. “Greatness is only possible when something great is won and, unfortunately for you, we are winning.”
6. “There are five stages in life: baby, child, teen, adult and elderly. Though there are some that never seem to change after the second stage.”
7. “Death is as much a part of life as being a confused teen.”
8. “Wisdom doesn’t come with age, it comes in the end.”
9. “Time is a mysterious thing. The older you get, the quicker it goes. To a newborn baby a second is a life time, but to a 93 year old a second is like a star in the sky.”
10. “The best part of living is enjoying it while it lasts.”
11. “Trying to change a person is like trying to dig up concrete with a plastic spoon. You can only do it when it’s fresh.”
12. “Everyone has regrets. Some regret they were not daring enough. Others regret that they were too daring. Nobody likes who they are; until they accept that what they have done was right for them at the time.”
13. “You have a choice, to be great or to be like everyone else.”
14. “If you are great you are remembered, if you are not great then you are liked.”
15. “Love is the most addictive drug of all, and recovering from it is the best form torture I can think of.”
16. “Everyone has hardships. At least everyone would like to think so.”
17. “How can one flaw be greater than another? Whose job is it to rank flaws? Isn't it all the same in the end?”
18. “To forgive is to forget pain, and the only cure for pain is love.”
19. “No one knows exactly what is right. The only thing you can know is that you tried.”
20. “Can you think in heaven? Your brain thinks, and when you die, your brain stays with your body. So how do you think in heaven?”

You are welcome.

Fake news and a fun game

Man Sues Local Brewery
After spending his 21st birthday beer tasting at Georg Kershanoff and Sohn’s Microbrewery, Shawn McDonald found himself a little lightheaded and giddy. The following day, McDonald awoke with a splitting headache, enlarged pupils, and nausea. McDonald says he was not aware of this effect. “I left the place feeling great. All was well, but then I woke up and I couldn’t take it. I called GKS (the microbrewery) and they said that those symptoms were normal. I couldn’t believe anyone told me about it. It really is a scam.” McDonald followed his call to the brewery with a call to his attorney, Terry Mullen. Mullen says that his client was mistreated, and that the microbrewery’s slogan of “Let the good times role” is false advertising. “My client was under the impression that he would not feel sick after drinking (the brewery's products). We will be taking this matter to court and will not accept a settlement unless it is a large compensation.” The brewery has not commented on this matter but is expected to hold a press conference tomorrow at noon.



Warning: The following contains foul and graphic language...........and urges you to make up new foul and graphic langauge.

Fun Game: In my ever-constant state of boredom, I came up with a way to 1 waste time and 2 make up new words, curse words that is. The first step in this two step process is to say a random cuss word or word associated with naughty parts of the human anatomy (not surprisingly most of these words fit in both categories.) Examples are: ass, penis, vagina, tits, dick, and (everyone’s favorite) fuck. Pick and choose your favorite. Now, to the hard part. With the first word out up in the air hanging like a dingleberry, people will be expecting you to add to your sudden fit of foul language. You cannot disappoint. The second, and final step, is placing a random noun, preferably an object not so much proper nouns, behind the first word. Examples of these kinds of nouns are: cup, hat, pole, sock, lamp, and bean. The final product can be very amusing. Some of my favorites include: Douche basket, dick rail, twat noodle, and (the best one ever) ass whistle. Yes, ass whistle. It actually has a definition. It’s a fart. Daniel Webster eat your heart out.

My Thoughts: Short Takes

Have you ever noticed that when some one loses something, everyone around them suddenly becomes Sherlock Holmes? “I’ll solve this if it’s the last thing I do.” But their sleuthing skills are as acute as a monkey’s on acid. Most interrogations go as followed: “Man, I can’t find my keys. I’ve looked everywhere.” “Well, where did you lose them?” Are you kidding? Seriously? If one knew where they lost their lost item then the item wouldn’t be lost, now would it? Good work, Sipowicz.

I have come to the conclusion that, after a man states the phrase “In my heterosexual opinion,” the next words out of his mouth are going to be really gay.

I believe the secret of Dick Clark’s neverending enthusiasm and energy is that every night he is stored in a Ziploc bag to keep him fresh.

Tic-Tack-Toe has nothing to do with ticks, tacks, or toes.

Going out to dinner with someone isn’t quite so romantic, when you visualize what they are going to be doing with the food they are eating six to eight hours later.

Does action ever get pissed that people are jumping into it all the time? “Can’t they just leave me alone? Or at least saunter into me?”

One of my friends asked me if I wanted to go fly fishing. I said yes. I was intrigued. “How do you catch a tiny, winged insect on a fishing pole?”

You never see anyone store a suit in a suitcase.

I wonder how much you would have to pay a hit man to kill himself.

On nice days at my college campus, one can find a stand in the quad that allows you to rent a puppy for an hour for $5. This, in everyway, is puppy prostitution.

Fake News (sort of)

The other day I had a revelation. Instead of writing fake news of today's world, I coould write fake news in a historical sense. These stories would be the little know events that lead to major occuences in history.
The following story is the acts that led to the Salem witch trials of 1692. This is the first account of mass witch hunting in the New World. No one knew about these events in the little know colony of New Fife until recently when an old newspaper was discovered in an old desk.

The following entries are articles in the American Colonies section of an English Newspaper, The Daily Crumpet.
New Fife, British Colonial America- 1691
Saturday, August 8
A woman was burned at the steak for witchcraft. Emily Flanders was accused of sending shocks throughout her victims’ bodies. Flanders would repeatedly rub her feet on her bear skin rug, then touch the victims, permitting evil spirits or ghosts seeking vengeance to enter the victims’ bodies. The demonic spirits are expelled only by the grace of God.
This matter of witchcraft was brought to the attention of both the governor, Oswald Greenstock, and the preacher, Archibald Hemmings, by Flanders’ husband, John. Mr. Flanders suspected his wife was performing witchcraft after she sent these demons into every member of her family all the while laughing hysterically. “It was difficult for me to admit that she has sinful powers, but after she put demons into our little Nathaniel and scoffed as he flinched, I knew what had to be done. She was a good wife to me, but she is a witch. I could not allow my house, a house blessed by God, to be overtaken by the devil.” John Flanders said after the burning.
Emily Flanders’ position of school teacher will now be taken over by Prudence Abernathy. “The first thing the children will learn from me is that witchcraft is real, and cannot be tolerated. It is everywhere and anyone could be practicing dark magic. So, the children will have to learn to accuse anyone of witchcraft if they are doing anything abnormally. It is our duty to the Lord to rid the world of these sinners.”

Wednesday, August 12
Seven girls at New Fife Elementary School have been accused of witchcraft since Monday. All of the accusations have been found false, though one of the girls is under a heavy surveillance. All accusations were made by one child, Solomon Jennings. “Ms. Abernathy told us to accuse anyone if we saw them doing anything weird so I have been keeping an eye on everyone.” Jennings said during questioning after his seventh false accusation.
Jennings only raised the accusations after the girls stood in a circle while whispering to each other. Jennings only shouted witch as one of the girls walked up to him and gave him a muffin. “I thought it might have been poisoned so I quickly confiscated the muffin for further investigation.” Prudence Abernathy, the school teacher, said. “After an extended amount of examination, I came to the conclusion the muffin was safe, and the young girl’s gesture was merely out of infatuation for the boy.” said Archibald Hemmings, the preacher and spiritual advisor of New Fife.
The only questionable act was committed by Hannah Yost, who allegedly pulled hair from Caleb Booth’s head. “She asked me if she could have some of my hair. I said no, but she grabbed some and ran away giggling.” The boy said. Solomon Jennings raised the question of witchcraft to Abernathy after seeing this act take place. “We are going to keep a close eye on Ms. Yost in chances of her casting a spell on Mr. Booth with his hair.” Abernathy said. Yost will be under heavy surveillance for the next several months, and has been ordered to give up the locked that was containing Booth’s hair.

Fake News

City on the Move
Jacobsonville, AB, Canada made history last Monday, when it became the first city to pass a bill to move itself one latitudinal degree north of its current location. The legislation was passed during the first day of mayor Gary Hersher’s tenure. Hersher won the mayoral elections in a landside running on the platform of moving the city north. The need for this move became apparent to the Jacobsonvillians when the city’s chief tourist attraction, Madame Icy’s Ice Sculpture Museum, was shut down because of unusually warm temperatures. All of the museum’s outside sculptures were lost during the summer months. “The museum had to be shutdown until temperatures dropped.” said Madame Icy’s curator, Agatha Beach. “It’s the first time we have ever shut down and was hugely disappointing. I am looking forward to the move. I expect our visitor numbers to be as strong as ever. This was a really good idea.” Jacobsonville’s economy has suffered the past year, because of the museum’s closure. The city lost an estimated $1 million dollars in tourists spending. “The move is a logistical nightmare, but I believe we are prepared. We have an excellent plan in place.” Mayor Hersher commented during a press conference. “The city will be moved in sections, and the move should take just 4 to 5 days.” The best professional movers have been hired from Alberta province, and the Canadian Football league players have volunteered to help. “This will be a good time, good break from working out. Coach said the best workout I could give you guys was to move a city.” Calvin Watson, Star linebacker of the Calgary Stampeders, said after a Monday practice. If this move proves to be successful, it could be just the first of many city wide moves in the fight to combat global warming

My Thoughts: More Excerpts

I like cops, but few people do. I think this is because they are the tattletale little siblings of the country. “I caught you. You snuck in after curfew. I am going to tell mom and dad.” Mom and dad are of course the judges. “I sentence you to a grounding.” However, you can get off, or at least have you punishment lessened, with the help of lawyers. Lawyers are the big brothers and sisters who know the rules of the house and depending on how much you are paying, can be a valuable asset. “Now hold on a second, you can’t just punish him without hearing his story. He knows that curfew is at 11:30. That is why he left at 11:00, but he had to take some friends home and it took longer then expected. Plus I do believe he tried to call, but his phone was dead. (Turning to the client) You are so cleaning my room after this.”

People say I am negative person. They say “If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.” I reply “I would, but the lemons never come with sugar and a cup. I just get lemon juice.”

There is too much thank-you-ing going on these days. If someone gives you a gift, you have to thank them when you receive it, again when you open it, then you have to send a thank you card, mention the thank you card at the next meeting, “Oh did you get my card?”, get thanked for the card, and finally reply “No, no, really, thank you.” People do not even care about the gift anymore, its all about the meaning behind it. So, people have to show the meaning behind their forlorn faces when they receive the crappy gift with a million thank you’s. This country has courtesy issues, or is there a courtesy competition going on that I don’t know about? Sending thank you cards just wastes the thanked person’s time. They open the card, read it, and throw it away. Who do you know that keeps thank you cards? The next time you give someone a thank you card and they say “you really didn’t have to do this,” believe them. They mean it. What is a thank you card anyway? Legal documentation that you thanked this person? Can someone take you to court for not thanking them?
Plaintiff: Well your honor, I gave him a fruit basket and he never thanked me.
Judge: Is this true?
Defendant: No, it is not. I recall thanking him when he gave it to me. I said ‘Wow thanks. This will come in handy – I just bought a smoothie maker.’ I then thanked him again as we parted.
Judge: Did you send him a thank you card?
Defendant: No, I did not. I felt that two thank you’s were enough.
Judge: Two thank you’s for a fruit basket are, unfortunately for you, not enough. There is no documentation that the thank you’s ever took place. I rule in favor of the plaintiff. The defendant must serve one year at courtesy school, pay $3.97 to cover the expense for a thank you card, and, (turns to defendant) would you please make everyone in the court a smoothie?

My Thoughts: Random Excerpts

I’ve been watching a lot of T.V. lately. And I have come to the conclusion that the theory if you give enough monkeys typewriters they are bound to spit out something has never been truer.

There are two types of skinny girls, the ones that say “I eat whatever I want.” and the others that say “I am a healthy eater.” To me this just verifies the bulimic from the anorexic.

I am always being told I am a procrastinator. But truthfully every one is a procrastinator. We all HAVE TO die, but you never see that on any ones to-do-list. “Well Mike, I think I’ll get a head of the game and kill myself on Friday” “Wow, good for you Joe. Good for you.” Who says that? Nobody

I define a man of character by someone who doesn’t cheat at solitaire. Sadly, I am not a man of character.

I am a procrastinator that lives in the moment. I don’t get a lot fini. I like apples.

Fool me once “shame on me”. Fool me twice “shame on you”. Fool me three times “Fuck you the joke is getting old”.

I respect people that are the first to do something. They are the select few that are actually original. I want to know who the first person to make up a language was. Better yet, I want to know what word was invented first. It was probably a derogatory word. There really isn’t a need for communication if everybody is happy.
I really want to know who the first person to get their tongue stuck to a frozen pole was. I wonder about the thought process. “WOW! It is cold out here. Look at that metal street-lamp post, it looks frozen. I wonder how cold it is, but it is to cold to take off my mittens. I know. I’ll lick it. This thing is freezing, and it taste a little funky. (they try to pull their tongue off) what the? OH SHIT.”

“Are YOU bossing US around?”
“No, I am simply telling you what to do. If I were bossing you around I would have to pay you.”

My printer writes in cursive

A record player is not someone who plays records. Someone who plays records is called disk jockeys, but they don’t ride around a track on disks.

Fire ants neither start nor put out fires. They’re disappointing.

Divorce is seen as such a negative thing. I think it is because there is no ceremony.
“Do you Fred Allen refuse Kate Leonard-Allen to lack and deny at all times for poorer in joy for better to continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest hatred, forsaking her, keeping yourself away from her as long as you both shall live?”
“I do.”
Sniff, Sniff “I always cry at divorces.”

I went on a job interview the other day. When I met the interviewer I shook his hand, and he said “take a seat.” So I picked up the nearest chair to me and walked out. After struggling to fit the chair into my car I went back to the office, and the interviewer said that I was “over qualified.”

Super heroes always have one flaw. Most of the time it is a minor hard to know about flaw, but the more supper the super hero is the more damage the flaw does. With Superman it is kryptonite, the Green Lantern can have his ring stolen or lost, and Batman’s passion for Robin sometimes gets in the way. I want to see a supper hero with a real flaw, a major flaw. A flaw that just by overcoming, he is super. Like OCD Man, the super hero that has to clean his house eight times before fighting crime, or Stereotype Boy who always just assumes who the criminal and the victim are, or Captain Pacifist, who really wants to fight crime, but due to his strong principles just can’t. “Stop or I’ll, watch you flee!”

Fake News

Community Swindled of Thousands
Irwin Jenks was put into custody last Tuesday after he was caught by county police on an Amtrak train headed for Illinois. Jenks has been accused of fraud by Garyville, Iowa, City Hall. Jenks, 32, allegedly conned many residents of money by convincing them they were in need of a theatrical production. Jenks started the Garyville Goers, a supposed theater group, and collected cash for the groups’ members to put on a production of the musical The Music Man. Jenks had collected nearly $10,000 when he withdrew the money from a local bank, and attempted to leave the town. “He seemed like such a nice man. I just can’t believe he would do such a thing,” said Martha Paxton, a member of the Garyville Goers. “and the worst part of it all is that the kids never got to put on a show.” Claims from other communities are now surfacing against Jenks. Both Naperville, Wyoming and Lancaster, Nebraska have pressed charges against Jenks for committing similar acts. A court date has been set in Garyville for the end of the month. If he is found guilty, Jenks may face a jail sentence of up to 15 years in prison.

Fire Drill Causes Fatalities
Tragedy struck last Wednesday at Jennings High South, when two students and one teacher died. An actual fire broke out in the third floor entrance during a routine fire drill. The fire was started by a short circuit in the fire alarm door system. There were two classes in session on the third floor at the time of the alarm. Both classes exited the building and stood in there appropriate area during fire alarms. However, due to the fire, the classes were ordered to move to a different spot so a fire truck to park in a spot that would allow for easier access to the ensuing fire. This move proved fatal though as a second fire truck rushing to the scene ran over two students and a teacher. “This is a tragic day for all.” Fire Chief Randal Youngst said at a press conference, “This fire drill has certainly taught us a lesson to slow down while in route to a fire. It will certainly still be going by the time we get there; there’s no need to rush things.”

Art Museum Officially Open
Early Monday morning, a ribbon ceremony was held in front of the new art museum in down town to make it opening official. “I am cutting this ribbon in hopes of more people gaining knowledge and appreciation of art.” Mayor Wesley said before cutting the ribbon. “This museum should draw more people into the art world, and I am glad to be involved in this historic occasion.”
The new museum located on 333 Pine Ave. is not like any other art museum. It is the dream of Michael Terrossi. Terrossi, a contemporary artist and art historian, proposed his plans for the museum eleven years ago to City Hall. The project was approved, but without proper funding the museum’s construction was put on hold. City Hall was quick to accept the proposed plan for the museum, because of the sales pitch of Terrossi. His plan was to build a museum that housed recreated works of classical and contemporary art. But the works would have a twist. In order to entice visitors to the museum a picture of Waldo from the “Where’s Waldo” book series was to be painted into every piece.
Two years ago construction started on the building after City Hall notified Terrossi of the accepted plans and adequate funding. “It took eleven years, countless hours of work, and the charity of many wonderful supporters to accomplish this goal of mine.” Terrossi said in a speech at the ribbon ceremony. “I hope this art display attracts people to the art world. This museum will get them to stop and completely analyze these wonderful works. I feel folks will stop asking themselves “where’s that Waldo fellow?” when looking at a Monet or Van Gough or Picasso, and start asking “How does this blurry lily pad have meaning?” I am happy and excited for the future of art.” The museum is free to everyone, but does accept donations.

Sports Section

Marlins’ Announcer Resigns
Yesterday, Florida Marlins’ owner, Harold Carter Jr., held a press conference to announce the resignation of the team’s commentator, Rodger Milan. Milan has been an MLB announcer for twelve years. He began his career announcing the Tampa Bay Devil Rays’ games on the radio, and then switched to the Marlins’ telecasts last year after legendary commentator Gene Cosby retired. Milan fell under scrutiny for the comments he made on the Tuesday telecast of Marlins/Braves game. “I am deeply sorry for the comments I made and personally apologize to all that were offended.” Milan said at the conference.
Many were outraged Milan’s statements about the actions of Braves pitcher, Leo Shaffer. Milan referred to the Native American act of scalping, when Shaffer through the ball at the head of a Marlins’ player. “The comments made were very degrading and disrespectful to my people, and I am happy to see Mr. Milan taking responsibility for his words. As a representative of Native Americans I accept Mr. Milan’s apology. He seemed very sincere in his apology and has undoubtedly learned a lesson.” Said Jacob “Talking Rabbit” Higgins, a member of the Comanche Tribe who serves as a spokesman for Native Americans of America.
Carter Jr. also announced that former Marlin, Mike Geary, will serve as an interim commentator until Carter Jr. finds a permanent replacement for Milan. Geary’s first game will be this Friday when the Marlins travel to Cleveland for their first inter-league match-up to take on the Indians.

poetry

Recently, I have been dabbling in some poetry. Sorry. It isn't really that funny, but some of them are kind of fun. Tell me what you think.

(this one I wrote for a class. it is modeled after the Langston Hughes poem, The Negro Speaks of Rivers)

The Man Talks of Skies

I’ve seen skies.
I have seen every shade of the color spectrum presented by the skies.

My eyes shine brightly as the stars twinkle.

I’ve seen skies filled with stars newly
born with human potential.
I dwelt in caves with blues skies
loaming over head.
I hunted in the jungles with an orange sky
silhouetting my prey.
I planted crops with a yellow sky
lighting my fields.
I erected wonders that my predecessors
will visit under cloudy skies.
I explored the seas to find lands
inhabited with peoples living under grey skies.
I built metal towers that
rise into a blurry night sky.
I concocted substances that cure sickly people in shelters
protecting them from the green sky.
I raced to go beyond the sky,
finding an ever present night.

I have seen skies.
I have seen skies of every color.

My eyes shine brightly as the stars twinkle.

His Name Apparent

He came with nothing but a future,
that one who’s so tiny and still.
He tied his parents together like a suture,
that one who’s so tiny and still.
He is a round, cubby, little ball,
that one who’s so tiny and still.
He has an audience in a line waiting down the entire hall,
that one who’s so tiny and still.
He is indeed pleasing to look at,
that one who’s so tiny and still.
He couldn’t possibly grow to be a brat,
that one who’s so tiny and still.
He is peacefully sleeping,
that one who’s so tiny and still.
He has left everyone weeping,
that one who’s so tiny and still


Stuck

Marvin Middleton was a mundane man.
His days were always the same.
He would wake at eight to fixed breakfast and hastily devour it.
He would then take a cold showered, and leave for work.
He would arrive, everyday, promptly at nine.
He would sit at his desk and methodically fill-out and file necessary papers.
He would take a break for lunch to eat a peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich.
He would return to his desk to continue his tasks.
He would clock out at precisely at five and head home.
He would bring in the daily newspaper and read it until seven.
He would then make his dinner and eat it while watching TV.
He would turn off the TV after the eleven o’clock news and saunter into bed.
Marvin Middleton has lived the way for seven whole years.
His schedule never faltered.
His weekends were even the same.
Marvin Middleton was a mundane man,

Lucy Lenard lived like a lion.
She
roamed
about
carefree, happy, in control.
She was an artist.
She woke up

naturally
she never set her alarm.


Lucy Lenard lived luxuriously.

She was rich.
She was a great artist.
She was
Paid
a lofty sum
OVER a

Million dollars
For a painting depicting a mouse chasing a cat

Lucy Lenard Loved Look at people.
She traveled
to
Public
Places
to
sketch drawings
of these Populated scenes
in hopes of capturing an extraordinary
Moment
.

On one particular occasion, Lucy Lenard took a trip to the mall
She left
her house at five twelve in the evening
Shewasstuckintraffic.
She
noticed
a man in a
square car
next to her.

Marvin Middleton found himself staring at a woman in the car next to his.
He was staring at her frizzy hair and bright yellow headband.
He was listening to classical music.

Lucy Lenard rolled
down her window
and
the man then rolled his down.

Lucy Lenard
SPOKE
To
Marvin Middleton.

And
SHE
has not been the same since.



Star Gazing Through a Telescope (i wrote this for a class too)

You can only see
into a tiny circle of clarity.
You stare into deep space,
looking at just a fraction of the universe’s face
Only when you retract your eye,
you see the entire sky.
You look at one spot,
just a dot,
of the entire lot.
What does this focus cost?
Have you lost?
Are your perceptions covered in frost?
Distorted?
Askew?
Contorted?
Untrue?
Who Knows?
The coordinates are yours to choose,
They might even give you clues.
You might just learn how the universe works.
You may uncover some of its subtle quirks


Poker

Poker is a game of luck.
If you have any, you can make a buck.
Beware of this game.
Its addiction can put you to shame
Anyone can play poker
The serious or the joker
The best know when to bluff
Reading them is often though.
Bluffing is a high risk maneuver
That can leave you designated as the looser.
Bluff during the game
No one will blame.
Bluff after the game retire
You are just a liar.
The losers often grumble
About how often their cards did jumble.
For only if you have won,
This game seems a lot of fun.


Thunderstorm

There is drought.
The weatherman predicts a storm.
It hits like a heavyweight champion.
Hurry,
run for shelter.
Lightening strikes,
Children cry.
Don’t be afraid,
It will be alright.
Look,
there is a rainbow.
Now, new crops will grow.

My Thoughts: Instant Messaging: A Whole New Way to Offend People

Ever since instant messaging has hit pop culture abbreviations are being made for everything.

IM: Instant Messaging
Even the action has an abbreviation.

LOL, laughing out loud:
How many people do you know that do not laugh out loud? If you are not laughing out loud, then you are not laughing. You are just having a spasm or a seizure. That’s because if you are not making a laughing noise you are not laughing, which makes the thing you were laughing at (the joke) just a statement. So, the appropriate abbreviation would be IEYS, I enjoy your statement. Is their LOTI, laughing on the inside? No there isn’t. So why is there laughing on the outside? The only people who should be allowed to use this abbreviation are former prisoners talking to their friends still in the pokey. For the rest of us, we should use IAG- I am giggling.

WTF: What the Fuck
My friend sends me this one all the time. The first time he did it, I was like “What the fuck does that mean?” He replied “exactly” and I was like “that is a misguided abbreviation.”

BRB: Be right back:
This isn’t even a statement. It’s a command. Are friends are telling us to go away. It really should be IBRB, I’ll be right back. But we really are just tell are friends to go away, because what BRB really means is “I find you story very boring so I am going to pretend to be away from my computer.” Which makes the appropriate abbreviation- IFYSVBSIAGTPTBAFMC. But that’s a lot of work. This BRB thing can never happen in face to face conversation. You are driving in the car with your friend. “So, I am allergic to tomatoes. I asked the waiter if they had tomatoes in the salad, and she said no. But when-” “Frank BRB.” And just keep driving.

One thing I do like about the IM is the fact that you can “hang up” on someone.
SUpERFLY7892: batman sucks
MachoMAn54: no he doesnt u suck
SUpERFLY7892: batman has notin on superman
MachoMAn54: u r an idiot
MachoMAn54: signed off at 1:38 AM.

My Thoughts: So Many Assumptions

Have you ever wondered why adults always tell kids that they will eventually come to like the opposite sex and will eventually want to kiss them? The response is, of course, “ewwww never.” For once I want a conversation between mother and her eight year old son to go as followed:

SON: HI mommy.
MOM: HI Matthew. How was your day at school?
SON: Uneventful
MOM: Oh really? How did you get that cut?
SON: I got into a fight.
MOM: WHAT? Why? With who?
SON: I was with some friends and some girls came up to us and started making fun of us and we said get out of here but they didn’t leave so Jenny hit me
MOM: And why were they making fun of you
SON: Because I am a boy
MOM: What did you do after Jenny hit you?
SON: I said stop or I’ll tell Mrs. Lancaster on you
MOM: And did she stop?
SON: Yeah but she said she hated me and then I said I hated her more
MOM: You shouldn’t say you hate her. You shouldn’t say that to anyone. You know in a couple of years you might like Jenny and maybe want to kiss her
SON: EWWW NO! NO I WILL NEVER
MOM: I bet you will.
SON: NO, seriously mom I won’t.
MOM: Don’t be too sure of yourself.
SON: Oh, I am sure of myself.
MOM: You won’t be saying that in a couple of years.
SON: Mom, mother, I’m gay.

That would be refreshing.

My Thoughts: I don't get it

I do not get theses low-carb, high fat diets, because quite frankly since when has bread become bad for you? Isn’t this a food that has been around for thousands of years? Don’t you think if it didn’t work people would have stopped making it like twelve hundred years ago? It’s like saying “fruit is bad for you, because fruit has sugar, and sugar turns into fat.” Really how ridiculous is this? Bread has been around for as long as homo-sapiens have been civilized, and people have not always been morbidly obese. It is not breads fault that we are lazy. Besides, I don’t think it is as much the before dinner bread as much as the after dinner ninetupled-chocolate-butter-gooey-icing-quadruple-layer cake topped with ice cream and served with a pie on the side. I think the Atkins guy just had a personal vendetta against the Wonder Bread bunny or something.

Have you ever been watching a movie and the actor has to cry but can’t? They have the quivering chin, the sniffilly nose, but no tears. Suddenly we have gone from watching this person pretend to now pretending this person is pretending to pretend.

Are ties necessary? Men always have to wear them. Especially to events where they really don’t want to be: work, dances, assemblies, banquets, funerals, weddings. I think men wear ties as a last resort escape. “If one more groomsmen makes a toast, all I have to do is pull is knot just a little tighter.”

Have you noticed that sales people never say good-bye? They just say bye, or maybe they double it up bye, bye. I think it is a desperate last stitch effort to make the sale. “Good-bye” “Buy, BUY!”

Clocks are on the job all the time. Until the battery goes out, then they retire and get lost in the times. They then get a new battery and the cycle repeats itself. It’s like clock work.

Why is it that you can never put a cup of coffee on a coffee table? You always have to use a coaster. I want a table that is actually a coaster. “Do I need a coaster?” “No, the table will take care of that.” Hopefully someday, hopefully.

I have insomnia. So when I am in bed, I think of what is wrong with the world. Sometimes I come up with logical, practical solutions that can be easily achieved. Like the one I had for solving world hunger. The only problem is that I always forget the solution by morning. I guess people will just have to starve a little longer until I find a solution to my problem.

I don’t get why restaurants are called restaurants. You don’t rest there. You eat. Restaurants should be called eataurants.
Why are, waiters called waiters? Seems to me they do the least amount of waiting. Waiters observe the host to see if they lead the any of the costumers to their sections. Waiters take the costumers’ orders, tell the orders to the chefs, serve the order, ask the customers if everything is going splendid, refill drinks, bring the check, and collect the payment. To me, waiters should be called on-the-go-ers. The costumers wait to be seated, wait to place their orders, wait for their food, and wait to leave. If anything the costumer is the one doing the most amount of waiting. They should be the ones called waiters.

My Thoughts: Observations

Trash cans are very optimistic. Unless you try to put a pizza box in them. Then they are trash can’ts.

Fun untrue fact: Band Aids were invented by musical physicians.

I do not have the patients to be a doctor.

Question marks are redundant? Don’t people know when they are asked a question.

Waiters and waitresses are always taking people’s orders, and they never get caught.

People that analyze NASCAR are raceists.

Roller coasters sound a lot tamer than what they are. “What are you going to ride on?” “Oh, I thought I might coast on some rollers.”

Remote controls are alone because they are bossy.

the terrorist have won

can't make up stuff this good.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16921137/

Top Ten List

Every week David Letterman holds a Top Ten competition on his website. Each week there is a different topic, and anyone can submit an entry. I try to do this competition every week, but with school and a social life it turns out ot be about once a month. I have won just once, recieving the number #5 spot, and a Late Show Mouse pad. The contest has changed a little in that now all winners get a free Late Show T-shirt. check out the site, put up your best funny, maybe you can win!
http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/contest/index/php/20070127.phtml

Top Ten Newspaper Headlines in 2007

Cheney Strikes Again

Bin Laden Found: Hiding with Justin Guarini

Bin Laden Found, Receives Award for Best NYC Cab Driver

O’Donnell and Trump Get Hitched!

Kid Rock Announces He Will Now Be Known as Adolescent Rock

Bush and Kim Jung-il Reach Agreement to Party

Kevin Bacon Suffers Third Degree Burns While Cooking Bacon

Mel Gibson Returns to Acting in Remake of Yentl

O’Donnell and Trump Set for Winner Take All Cage Match

After Cancellation of Deal or No Deal, Howie Mandel Gets Job as LAPD Negotiator

Terrorist Wins Lawsuit against New York Times, Claiming Plans were copyrighted and could not be printed without Written Consent

Al Gore Severely Burned by His Nobel Prize for Work on Global Warming After It Melted

Michael Richards Proposes to Oprah

Paris Hilton: Russian Spy!

Fidel Castro Throws Out First Pitch at Nationals Game, Then Signed By Yankees

George Hamilton and Joan Rivers Marry in Plastic Surgeon’s Office

Bono Takes on New Challenge of Supplying Africans with Sun Glasses

Kevin Spacey Divorces Claiming He Needed Space

Nicole Richie Claims She Is Anorexic After Falling Through Sewer Grate

Fabio Finally Believes It Is Not Butter

The Knicks Win The Championship! Rematch Fight Already Scheduled

Student Suspended After Caught Cheating off an Exchange Student on US History Test

Cheney Stabs Accountant While on Fishing Trip

Letterman and Aniston Have Twins!

Questions

So, the profile section has a spot for me to post any questions I have in hopes that one of my profile lookers will reply with answer to it. However, I noticed that the questions are not visible unless the profile lookers click to see my entire profile. This is not an effective way to have my questions answered, especially if no one is clicking to see all of my profile. So I have decided to periodically post my questions in a post entitled "Questions"

#1. If a duck mated with a beaver would the result be a platypus?
#2. If the pen is mightier than the sword, then why is there war? If this statement were true, wouldn’t the nations simply write letters to each other proclaiming why they are so pissed off?
#3. Indians (feathers not dots) are Native Americans. I was born in America, which makes me a Native American. Does this mean I am an Indian?
#4. Why do people always stare at the radio when they are in their car listening to it and not driving? The sound isn’t coming from it. Do people expect the radio to suddenly turn into a television?
#5. Did people in the Soviet Union speak Russian? Or was it call Lennonese?

An Exerpt from My Thoughts: flying

No matter how much you think you know about flying, your first flight experience is like nothing you imagine. Why? Because, before you ever walk onto a plane your only perception of flying has most likely come from T.V. However, the airplane scenes on any television show or in any movie couldn’t be further from the truth. For instance, have you noticed that every time there is a scene the actors are in the front of the plane? This means infinite leg room. You sit down in a real plane and you realize this concept of leg room probably wasn’t on the agenda at the “How to Build an Airplane” meeting. “Um sir, what about leg room?” asked the intern.“Leg room? HA! Go get some more coffee, Kyle, and let the people getting paid decide what the public needs.” (turning to high executive peers) “Leg room, what kind of crazy idea is that? I like him though, makes one hell of a mocha latte.” Even in the front seats of an airplane you have no leg room. Why? Because they put a wall in front of you. Is there need for this wall? No, there isn’t. It just stands there mocking you. Another thing about these scenes is that the actors can actually stand in the plane. Since when can you stand in a plane, other than in that little strip of carpet they call an aisle? You know this aisle, the thing that causes you to get hit in the groin every time someone, heaven forbid, decides to stretch as you walk by them. You also are able to hear the actors very clearly in any airplane scene. I guess they just forget to add that pleasant sounding hum the twin double barrel monster turbo engines make. Though that hum is annoying, I DO prefer to hear it THROUGHOUT my flight.

I have motion sickness. Yes, that means I vomit when an unnatural object is ushering me across this great earth at a rapid speed. With that in mind, let me now tell you of my first flight experience. My immediate family, all six of us, was flying from St. Louis, Missouri to Akron, Ohio along with my aunt and cousin to attend a glorious event, a family reunion. The flight took place about a year after 9/11. This means, the security implications were in affect to prevent another horrendous tragedy.
My brother is a photographer and he was assigned to take the pictures at the reunion. You are probably thinking no big deal, right? Wrong. He is the only person I know that can actually mock NASA telescopes. “They think that thing can see Saturn up close. This baby can fucking see through Pluto.” My brother was well armed with camera equipment. He had a backpack full of gadgets and enough film to capture the natural decaying processes of styrofoam in real time. And just in case my six-foot tall, blue eyed, pale brother was indeed planning on smuggling a bomb onto the plane, the security guards had to open and check every knickknack and film canister in the backpack. This took about twenty minutes, which is entirely too long. They should have realized, according to the notice sign illustrating things one is not allowed to carry on the plane that bombs clearly come in boxes marked ACME. After the search, we were allowed to start boarding the jet, if it can even be called a jet.
Due to the three hour long flight between St Louis and Akron, we took Andre-the-Little Airplane-that-Might. This plan was so small we had to board the plane by leaving the terminal, walking across the tarmac, and climbing up a portable stair case that can reach speeds of 60 mph. Not a good sign for a first time flier who is a little afraid to ride the Looped-Dee-Loop at my parish picnic never the less an airplane. “Can this thing get off the ground by itself, or does it need to be wound up?” I thought to myself. I had enough anxiety for a therapist to prescribe elephant tranquilizers, but I was relived when I looked at my ticket, row 1 seat 1. “At least I will be able to stretch my legs. And if I do have trouble, I can receive help from a stewardess, I mean flight attendant- I mean in-flight-engineer.” As we boarded, my family went right, and I had to go left. My seat, normally saved for uniformed employees, stood alone, perpendicular to and right behind the cockpit- I mean flight deck- I mean in-flight-control-room-area. I sat down mange to buckle my seat belt, amazingly without instructions on how to do so. After I was strapped in tightly, I looked fearfully at the in-flight-engineer- I mean traveling waitress that doesn’t get tipped, and she just simply looked back and smiled. I immediately resented her. I started to think that smile will be gone about eight seconds after take-off when my breakfast, Fruitloops and a Cina-bun, is on her shoes. Fortunately (for her), my mother informed the poor gypsy waitress of my situation, and remarkably I was able to join the rest of the passengers in the normal sitting position facing the in-flight-control-area.
An hour later we were in the route over Illinois, and I had the pleasure of revisiting the Fruitloops and Cina-bun. Immediately, my family members came over barking orders of how I could cure my airsickness. “Don’t look out the window that makes you dizzy”Well actually I find looking out the window quite enjoyable. It’s pretty looking out the window of an airplane in the sky.“Lay back and maybe you can get some sleep”Right! Move my seat back from a 90 degree angle to the comfortable sleeping position of an 87 degree angle. Then, I can fall asleep and certainly will not wake up from the tranquil sounds of jet engines. ***side note*** Never see “the Sounds of a Jet Engine” next to “the Sounds of the Rain Forest” or “the Sounds of the Babbling Brook” in the soothing sounds CD section ***another one*** where is this babbling brook? I would like to live next to it.*** “You are just afraid of the height, stop looking out the window.”No I’m not afraid of the height. I’m afraid of falling from the height of 30,000 feet in a fiberglass tube traveling over three hundred miles an hour.Though my first flight was not the most pleasurable experience I’ve had, I did survive. I think airline companies purposely make air travel suck just so your destination is that much better. This way you will want to continually go places. I was not exactly thrilled about going to the family reunion, but when we landed I was so happy I wanted to stay with my distant cousins forever. In fact, my joy was so great I could have been hit in the crotch with a crowbar and not cared. Shortly after we arrived in Akron my Dad had discovered that he had lost his driver’s license, his only formal form of identification. It was somewhere from the plane to the car rental agency. This was going to be a problem on the flight home……..or was it? My dad put in a call at the airport as a heads up to look for it or at least for someone to check the lost-and-found. We spent the whole week in Ohio, and I do have to say it was more enjoyable than expected. However, we never heard anything about the driver’s license. When the time came to board the airplane, and we all took out identification, except my Dad. The security guard asked to see his diver’s license and my dad explained the situation. She replied “I will let you board if you show me a library card and a credit card.” Yes, my father boarded an airplane after 9-11 security measures with a LIBRARY CARD and a CREDIT CARD. Moral of the story, if you are a terrorist that doesn’t want the hassle waiting in line at the DMV, go to your local library sign your name on a card, receive a credit card in the mail, and you are set to hijack. HELPFUL FLYING TIP: Always fly while heavily intoxicated, it makes the flight so much better.

fake news

Homeland Security investigates claims of illegal aliens in Nebraska
On Tuesday, November 18, a man from Lincoln, Nebraska reported to local police that he and a friend spotted aliens while on a hunting trip. According to police, the man, Russell Baynes, and his friend, Chuck Landis, were sleeping in their tent when a loud noise woke them. “I had just got to sleep when I heard an unnatural noise.” Baynes said, “It sounded like the sound a cow makes after getting tipped over, but more machine-like.” After the police found 24 empty Corona bottles, 2 empty bottles of tequila, candy, scratch marks on some of the trees, a baseball bat, and three sombreros, they called in state authorities to investigate. Tim Mathers, a Homeland Security agent, reports, “The story and evidence go hand in hand. I think we have stumbled onto a large case.” Landis claims he saw the aliens. “I was wondering what was making the noise, so I took my rifle and went toward the noise. I saw a big, red four-legged animal hung from a tree on a string being attacked by a creature with an enlarged head. I shot the animal, you know, to end its suffering. It exploded and the aliens jumped on the ground to eat the beast’s entrails. I ran back to camp like a buffalo being chased by a cougar.” Both Landis and Baynes claimed to have been drinking before they went to sleep.


Terrorist Wins Lawsuit against New York Times
Omar Mohammad Jihad Ali Bin Al-cari won his case against the New York Times on Monday. Al-cari filed suit against the newspaper in March after it had printed his plans to bomb four different buildings by using hot-air balloons. Al-cari claims that his plans were copyrighted and could not be printed without his written consent. After the Times could not prove they had consent, the court ordered them to pay one million dollars to Al-cari. When asked what he was going to do with the money, Al-cari said he would post his half-million dollar bale for his conviction of conspiracy of a terrorist act and then go to Disney Land.
In a related story, Major League Baseball has pressed charges against Ray Lamizzeli of Newark, New Jersey for retransmitting a Red Sox-Yankee game without their expressed written consent.

Kevin Bacon Suffers Third Degree Burns While Cooking Bacon
Actor/singer Kevin Bacon was emitted into St. Stephen’s hospital in Burbank, CA on Wednesday with severe burns on his arms, chest, legs, and penis. The actor reportedly was frying bacon in the nude to make breakfast in bed for his wife. He apparently tripped while dancing and hit the stove causing the pan to fly into the air and the bacon and bacon grease to land a top of the naked star. Bacon’s publicist claims “Mr. Bacon is currently in stable condition and will be dancing again in no time.”

Gore Severely Burned by Nobel Prize
Last Thursday, former U.S. Vice President Al Gore was admitted into a hospital in Stockholm, Sweden. Vice President Gore had just received the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in gathering nations to sign the Qiqihar Accord*. After handing out the prize in physics to German born Dr. Freddrick Guntensagenburg for his work with black holes and their time traveling capabilities and the prize in chemistry to Russian born Dr. Nickoli Ticanoff for his work of extracting the element Ytterbiumm from coconut oil and turning it into a powerful vodka, the Swedish King Carl XVI Gustaf awarded the former Vice President with his medal. As the King went on to give out the prize in medicine to US born Dr. Lenard Turek for his work with creating an aloe plant cream that can completely heal victims of second degree or lesser burns, Gore’s medal, heated up by unseasonably high temperatures, melted on his chest. Gore let out a shriek of pure, excruciating pain as he looked down to find the medal oozing onto his shoes. Fortunately, Dr. Turek had some of his cream on hand and treated Mr. Gore. Unfortunately, Gore suffered third degree burns, so the cream worked as well as “baby oil.” “I did not know how severe the burns were until we got to the hospital.” Dr. Turek said, “I treated him (Gore) with the cream in hopes that it would work. It turned out I could have just baby oil, and not wasted my award winning cream that is available for just five easy payments of $29.95” Before the ambulance arrived, Dr. Ticanoff exclaimed “Better to be safe than sorry” as he gave Gore a bottle of vodka to ease the pain. Gore will be undergoing a skin graph on Monday and plastic surgery on Tuesday. He is currently in a stable condition and is expected to be looking new and improved after his face lift and tummy tuck.
*Qiqihar Accord- a protocol signed on November 23, 2006 in Qiqihar, China by 238 nations to cut global greenhouse gas emissions by 50%


Nut Fest 2007
Last Saturday, Appleton, Washington hosted its annual Nut Fest. The festival kicked off, as always, with the “Show Your Nuts” contest, in which venders from around the world show their nuts to festival goers. “I really liked the Costa Rican’s nuts. In fact, I prefer most of the Latin nuts, but the Costa Rican’s are just right.” said Cindy Calhoun, long time festival visitor from Piedmont, Idaho. Cindy was not the only one to fancy the Costa Rican’s nuts. Hector Valdez of San Fernando, Costa Rica went home with a blue ribbon tied around his nuts, as the judges selected his bushel to be best of the bunch. Aubrick Dusenhiem of Innsbruck, Austria took home the red ribbon, and Chesapeake, Wyoming native, Carl Yawney received the third place green ribbon. Yawney was excited, to say the least, over his triumph, “I am just happier than a swine in a pile of its own feces. This is my first time in the competition, and I got third. I mean, I knew I have good nuts, but as my wife Nancy kept saying in the car on the drive up “prepare to be disappointed this is just your first time, and you won't really know what to expect; and you know you don’t perform well when your nervous” I’m just looking forward to next year. I’m looking to bring home the blue.”
The festivities continued as The Cracking Nuts took stage. The Cracking Nuts have a style all to their own as they take Smashing Pumpkins songs and change the lyrics to make them about nuts. “I came all the way from Greenville, Wyoming just to hear them play.” Gary Ashburn boasted, “They were every bit of what I hoped for. I couldn’t believe it, they played “To nut, To nut” and “The Shelling is the Beginning of the Shelling”, and then they broke out the oldie “I am Nuts.” I about blew my mind.”
After the concert the main attraction started, the nut cracking competition. The object of competition is to shell twenty five peanuts, fifteen hazelnuts, ten Brazil nuts, five cashews, two macadamia nuts, and one walnut. The quickest to shell wins. First, the children competed, and little Ted Wisture, age 10, became the hometown hero as he freed the nuts of their casings in just 12 minutes and 28 seconds. The ladies were next to battle, and Audrey Laskic of Naperville, Connecticut dominated the competition. She completed the task in just 7 minutes and 49 seconds. The long awaited finale began soon after Nigel Hamilton of Durham, England took home top prize in the men's division as he shelled the nuts in just 6 minutes 12 seconds.
People cheered as the announcer introduced Simon “the grip” Caldwell of Brisbane, Australia. Simon has won the men’s competition the last three years shattering the world record of fastest shelling each time. On his first try he broke Frank Zetterfield’s time of 5 minutes 13 second with a blistering time of 3 minutes and 51 seconds. His current record is 2 minutes 32 seconds. This year Simon was challenged to face Zippy the Squirrel. Zippy is a Western Grey Squirrel and has been clocked at accomplishing the cracking competition in a sweltering time of 1 minute 56 seconds. “Zippy has gone through hours of training a day and is looking in prime shape as he is ready for the competition.” said Doug Koenig, Zippy’s trainer. Caldwell began at a feverish pace reaching the half way point in just 62 seconds. But in the end, beast bested man as Zippy finished not only cracking, but eating his nuts as well, in just 1 minute 48 seconds beating Caldwell by 43 seconds. “I look forward to a rematch next year.” Caldwell said though he was not too down about the loss as he said after the competition “Well, I am competing against a squirrel.”
All in all, the 54th annual Nut Fest 2007 was a success. It accomplished its goal of satisfying nut connoisseurs from around the planet, and their nut obsessions will bring them back to little Appleton, Washington once again next year.

Mute Awareness Month
Everyone knows that February is Black History Month and October increasing awareness of breast cancer. Now, March is focusing on mute awareness. Last Tuesday, Congress passed a bill proclaiming March to be known as Mute Awareness Month.
The bill was spearheaded by Democratic Senator Jeffery Lehman of Montana. “This bill finally gives the mutes a chance to stand up and speak about their disability.” Lehman said after Tuesday’s session. Raising awareness for muteness is a subject close to Lehman’s heart, as his sister suffers from the disability. “It has always been a struggle for my sister. Imagine never being able to go through a drive through at a fast food chain, or getting to sing along with everyone else at a concert.”
Lehman’s state of Montana is the highest mute-per-capita state in the nation, with 1 of every 11,050 claiming the disability according to the 2000 census. Tennessee holds the next highest mute population with 1 of every 12,030. Tennessee Senator Herbert Williams (R) was very pleased to see the bill pass. “This is clearly a step in the right direction, and I am thrilled to know that many citizens of the great state of Tennessee will be getting recognition that is long overdue.”
A muteness rally is scheduled to take place on March 1st in Washington in front of the Washington Monument. The rally is going to be emceed by popular mute celebrity figure, Teller. Other notable mute celebrities that are scheduled for an appearance include: Wilson from Castaway, Silent Bob, and Elizabeth Hasslebeck (The View). “It is wonderful to have notable celebrities stand up for the cause.” Lehman mentioned. “Ever since I saw Harpo Marx in Duck Soup, I knew mutes could make it. It is just wonderful to have such positive role models for our cause.”

Woman Wins Lotto, Gets Sentenced for Life
Maurine White of Chelsea, Wyoming could not believe her luck last month when she won the Power Ball jackpot, a sum of $32 million. “I play every week with the same numbers. I buy one ticket and get the same numbers. I figure those numbers were bound to win some time and that some time is now!” White said at the Lottery Press Conference.
Maurine’s luck soon ran out, as she was charged with second degree murder after hiring a hit man. Ervin Green, White’s friend and former lover, came to police with a sum of a million dollars that he claimed White had given him to kill himself. Green, a hit man, confessed to two murders in the Chelsea area. He claims White paid him a sum of $32,000 in 2003 to knock-off her boyfriend at the time, Greg Plum, a Wyoming State University professor. The details to the other case are presently undisclosed.
Green filed his report to the Chelsea police last Thursday, a day after White had given him the money. “He said he just couldn’t do it for a million.” Harvey Armstrong, the Chelsea Chief of Police said during a press conference. “The woman had apparently done business with Mr. Green before. He has confessed to two other murders, including the murder of Greg Plum. This gives us great relief, as this case has been open for some time. Plum was found in his kitchen with a head wound caused by a lead pipe. There were no clues as to who the murderer was.”
White’s court date is scheduled for mid-February. If convicted, she is facing twenty years to life in prison. Green’s court date is scheduled for next month. He has been charged with two counts of first degree murder and is facing twenty years to life in prison. If either is found guilty, the juries could opt for the death penalty.


Sports Section

Pirates, D-Backs Agree to Trade before Deadline
Just minutes before the midnight deadline yesterday, the Pittsburg Pirates and Arizona Diamondbacks reached a deal. Both teams felt the need for change, but did not want to rush into any certain commitment. They settled on the trade that involves the Pirates giving up a player to be named later for a player to be named later curiosity of the D-Backs. This deal looks promising for both teams who have not faired well thus far in the season. The Pirates hold the worst record in the league (32-69) and are looking to rebuild with young players. The Diamondbacks are the owners of a better record (44-57), but are still in the same boat as the Pirates. Both teams have superb farm systems, which gives the other team a great opportunity to pick potentially great major league players. “I think this deal will help our team in the future.” Pirates GM Gerry Young said. “They have a lot of talent in the minors which gives us the option of picking a good player.” Only time will tell which team this will benefit more, but as of now it looks as if each has made an excellent decision.